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Tuesday, June 26, 2007
This is insane, i am actually doing homework at home..
and yet i rejoice. more work more work.. MORE. at least then i can cease to think.
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Met cat dear for a cuppa coffee yest in good ol' coffee bean. actually it was more like a plate of tomato-herb linguini, a cuppa tea each. plus a strawberry-topped cheesecake for me. but who's counting the calories? *okay so i shd be jogging soon..*
i loved how i meet an old fren in such a long time and we could jus chatter on mindlessly, catching up on each other's lives and still be able to spout off each other's preferred tastes in life in the way only old friends who know each other for so long could. haha... my dearie cat.. how i do miss your heartfelt blog entries that just hits the right nail in my heart. quick change ur bloggie skin ah. then you'll begin to blog more again=)
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thankies you dearies who have left me taggies and the msn chat and sent sms enquiring after me. i am really sorry for causing yall much worry.. these days, my spurts of down-ness are becoming more and more frequent. I know i am much stronger than this, and i'm just trying to draw upon my strength for survival. and of cos with the strength yall have provided me with. But though shu ling may be sad at times, you guys never fail to put the smile back into my face. HUGS.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 10:32 PM ~*~ |
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Monday, June 25, 2007
i am sure i am stronger than this. but right now, i just want to cry and cry...
shuling is not a happy girl today. and the work is ceasing to distract or numb. i need more. Maybe another big event to plan-- just so the shadows dun overcome and i wun do it again.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:30 AM ~*~ |
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Friday, June 22, 2007
Even though I really dun have the time to blog nowadays, i try to cos i wanna capture each moment, esp happy moments. my frens claimed my blog is sounding a tad grey, so i also wanna capture these happy moments so i can rem to be grateful for the sunshines in my life.=)
Today was a highly-stressed up but turned-out-to-be-well day for me. i swear my cheek muscles are aching from the incesssant grinning the whole day. i tend to grin alot when i'm super nervous.
Today we brought the centre's Learning Bees kids out for a whole day to Sentosa. After days and night(s) of planning on Nadeeyah and my part, it is finally happening today. i swear i am still quite lousy with handling and talking to children, but i rem what one of the social workers said this morning in a bid to calm me down "Kids are very gracious people". They are more easygoing than we give them credit for, but still i cun help fretting the moment i had to stand in front and talk to 25 kids who keep spouting Malay, and fretting over whether the programme would run smoothly or not. what if we cannot even enter Sentosa?? Or the attractions??
I needn't have worried really. but i'm a perfectionist. And though there really were glitches, such as the traffic jam on our way to Sentosa and the collection of tickets for admission and Images of Singapore and the 4D Magix show, which took up a lot of time and delayed our programme, cos the respective people i liaised with WERE NOT IN THEIR OFFICES TODAY!!! and the staff were suspicious about us. Admission went okay. But the Images of Singapore staff was totally rude and arrogant "how did yall get in?" "huh... complimentary for all the kids??" cos i was the one who liaised with the corporate communications manager and she offered us complimentary admission and Images of Singapore for all the kids and concessionary rates for the adults. And i cun get hold of her for the past 2 days... I was just told to present the email to the staff to get our discounted rates and i guess on her part, she oso forgot to inform them. sigh. neither could these staff, but still they were trained to be polite to customers, like my sup said. I mean, after all Sentosa is a tourist attraction. The 4D Magix staff were equally arrogant. these people really got their noses growing higher than the tops of their heads manz.
But despite all the glitches, i am grateful that it ran pretty well. It dint rain!! was the foremost thg i am grateful for.. and the kids were happy. Plus my partner-in-crime, nadeeyah was a total pleasure to work with. We worked really well for 2 people who had never worked in school projects together before. Today, we filled in pretty well for each other. =) she was great with the kids.
Just wish i can stop being so self-conscious and nervous hahahha.. but i am still v v happy it went well. Moments that touched me... the kids were relishing their Macs meal, which we had delivered in bulk. Some of them were eating really slowly to enjoy, some were saving their meal for later to enjoy. It was a privilege for them that many of us took for granted, as their families hadn't much money for even simple luxuries like Macs. I rem my sup telling me of this kid who said "teacher, no money for macs la" when my sup told him they would be having Macs for lunch. he thought they had to pay themselves. So i'm really happy that we had the chance to pamper them with Macs. Some had never even gone to Sentosa before. And thankies to my partner, nadeeyah, for her persistence in ordering a bigger meal for each kid instead of the Happy meal we originally wanted. She wanted better and more food for the kids, and i'm glad she fought for it! haha we only had to pay student rates for the meals.
a really happy day... happy that we could arrange such a day for the kids.. and kudos to my fantastic partner.. i'm glad for our work chemistry in our otherwise hum-drum worklife in the centre. heeez!
Onto the attractions, I really did like was Images of Singapore. I thought the layout was simply beautiful. The different life-stages of Singapore and the lifelike statues and intricate structures. too bad my sup and i had to spend alot of time on the ticket collection (no shd be, blame the rude staff.. heh) and i dint have time to enjoy the attraction well. hope i can go back another time. But the kids got a helluva time there.. they dint want to leave the last celebratory stage of Singapore at all.. haha. most impt was they were happy. i regretted we cun allow them to spend more time due to the time constraint.
The 4D Magix show was also a blast. haha.. Even for me, i was scared by the life-like effects of the show, they had water spraying at us, wind blowing and sharp beats on the ankles at appropriate moments of the show to fit in the storyline, which was a pirates story, like when the creatures in the show look like they are really attacking us. the kids were totally scared but excited too. Poor nadz had to hold 2 small kids on each of her knees cos they were really scared. the little boy sitting next to me had his feet up on his chair. lucky our group took the front 3 rows of the theatre. the kids were making so much noise that i think the back rows of tourists were annoyed. hahahaha, but i dun care. those fucking rich tourists can go again. but this is a rare opportunity for our centre's children.
And of cos, thankies to the longtime volunteer of the centre--Dev, and the new worker, Sabrina, who got to go to Sentosa on her 2nd day of work!! haha.. i knew Sabrina from some social work modules, she's a fresh graduate and she chose to work at my attachment agency. so coincidental.. haha. she's super cute and fun and lively and the kids thought she was still in sec school!!!
all in all. this makes it another day for me of why i am glad i went into social work. happy. luvs.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 12:39 AM ~*~ |
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Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Is it just me... or am i just seeing little point in the things i do now?
when little motivations and perks cease to satisfy? or extinguish as fast as it comes?
haiz... maybe this is the consequence of a too-sedate lifestyle for too long... where i try to convince myself that i can be happy with so little.
i am starting to feel the rage of the want and need of MORE running through my veins again.
sometimes i think i am just a blardy, f*cked-up attention-seeker.
can totally identify with the thingie cat was writing abt on her latest entry... sometimes we need an audience, and yet at times, we don't wish to know who the audience is.
sometimes i need the audience, and i wonder if the audience is actually listening to me.
F*ck. i just can't even express myself well enough.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:39 AM ~*~ |
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Monday, June 18, 2007
work & films...
12 days of working is no joke... groanz. to work on a saturday and a sunday... with the rainy weather tempting you back into bed.. double groanz. and it's taking a toll on my health again. i rem telling grace that day on msn when we were chatting about our weird work habits now, and she said she eats more than usual now, and for me, i can do without food, but i can't do without sleep. i get depressed, angry and my body suffers when i don't get at least 8 hours of sleep a day, so on days when i have to survive on 4-5 hrs, i usu have to pay back the sleep debt on weekends or other days by sleeping 10-12 hrs sleep a day. this time round, i have to survive on my little-sleep, non-stop working for 12 days planning for 2 programmes/workshops. my body is already failing me by showing signs of tummyache and fever yest. not good. i do wonder how grace and the other people in my centre and those people out there who can clock in 12-hour work days, do even more work when they get back home and sleep 3-4 hours a day. it's pretty insane in my opinion.
but then they are superhuman, and i never profess to be one. i know i cannot work like that, and so when i need to rest, i rest. but when i am not allowed to rest, well, i would get grouchy, sick and spout alot of nonsense and think alot of nonsense too. yest nite, my sister had to heat up my soup for me, and mum had to make hot milo and apply medicated oil on my rebelling tummy, whilst i laid like an invalid on mum's bed. it's pretty pathetic.
at least ling is loved=) despite some disappointing people and events, and despite the insane workdays (which i should still be grateful for cos they prevent me from thinking a little too much... still think yes, but when i get busy, they still managed to keep my thoughts from running too wild), i am still much loved by dear family and friends.
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watched "spider lilies" with debi... hmmm.. haha maybe it's too much of a R21 movie to bring her for the first time. i knew she was feeling uncomfy at some scenes. but for me, the film was wad i needed for my state of mind these few days. images of the scenes still haunts my mind now. the story was simplistically easy to understand-- the innocent crush that flourished into bewildering, confusing adult lust and love, and the love story, albeit the homosexual content, totally fits into what i think of adult lust and love nowadays. i felt for Jade, in the scene where she broke down in front of Takeko. That aside, i think the filming and the acting was really quite good for 2 pretty faces. Isabella and Rainie had to go through "lesbian camp training" to bring out the scenes in the entirety of their emotions as i read from an article, and it paid off. i cun help tearing when i saw the needful way they made out--if one would just kindly throw the porn part aside, you would be able to appreciate the beauty in the overwhelming emotions of the scenes, how their loneliness was surfaced in the way they clung to each other. how they tried to seek physical warmth to warm the chill in their hearts, how they seeked comfort from each other to try to soothe the gaping hurt in their lives, but to little avail. Humans are cheap is the sentiment that keeps running through my mind. Loneliness is what most of us are afraid of at this age, and we seek for comfort in various ways (through work, through dates, through self-deception, through false hopes), and this leads to more mysteries shrouded around our true emotions, clouding even us from what we truly feel and wanna feel, hence leading to many of us saying "i really dunno what to do, what i should do". BULL. These are excuses cos we are too weak to face our true emotions, lies to cloud us from seeing the truth. that is exactly wad i think of adult emotions now. so i totally agree with Jade when she said, "the one who changed isn't the child. it's the adult."
and a sentiment from MARS (my fave taiwan serial) keeps running through my mind on this too... " Humans are just a pile of walking bodies... not in the least beautiful."
if only i can remember the innocent smile of a child, the beginnings of us. if only i can recover my beauty of humans.
oh and this film could well send me on my way to becoming a bi. *naughty grins*
next up, shrek 3 and silver surfer. should be watching alone unless some of u dear people wanna accompany a lonely me? *sweet smile* should balance out my heavy films with some light-hearted candy.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:08 AM ~*~ |
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Friday, June 15, 2007
saviours...
So thankful for grace... again being my stabiliser last night... even as the emotions threatened to spill, she could just calm me down just by being there.
As i walked past the familiar workplace of a yesteryear, memories washed over me... the overwhelming, the bittersweet sadness, the innocently beautiful happiness. And as i waited for gracie in front of this funny-looking bird statue in front of Boat Quay, the emotions threatened to surface once again, despite all the efforts of my using my work into trying to forget for the past week.
So really thankful she came in the nick of time.
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Sharing a Macs meal and a sinful chocolate dessert at TCC, we caught up on each others' lives, complained and reminisced, and talked of future plans for the later part of the year of sleepovers when her family fly back to India. It was just a simple relaxing kind of relief to me, to sit down there and hear gracie chatter on, letting her words wash over and put me at ease. the kind of relief and distraction i had longed for. Miss ya so babe...
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Of meeting other friends...
meeting zitian after soooo long... i swear it's been ages since we last met... haiz.. work does post a barrier to meeting-ups... Miss the dayz of taking soci modules today..
Of meeting flo, who also tried to keep my blues at bay by her chatter and her innane funny facial expressions. Babe, thanks.. i know u were trying to cheer me up.. and it worked!! Still send me into fits, when i remembered the funny facial expressions u were making hahahaha. But seriously thanks for being so accomodating, and for the beautiful new hairband. You never ceased to know how to make my day.. Blessed ling cos of u!! =)
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And of my dear family... hugs... absence does make the heart grow fonder.. taking a break and going back to my family's house these few days, sorta to avoid the dark shadows that comes in alone-ness, and enjoying the warm love like no other in the arms of my family... of homecooked food and family movie-get-togethers... ahhhh. bliss.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 10:29 AM ~*~ |
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Thursday, June 14, 2007
Times when I think I made the right choice in choosing social work as my job...
I found a packet of hand-made curry puffs on my worktable yesterday--compliments of my first client who is attending a baking course to upgrade his skills for a better future for his family.
I draw my strength from the people around me... even as they appear to be the ones seeking help and drawing strength from us.
As long as i continue to work methodically, soon, i can learn to forget, and let go. Just as long as the work comes in...
Shu Ling Estrella @ 10:09 AM ~*~ |
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Saturday, June 09, 2007
i'm allowing it to happen again.. the gnaw that eats u up from inside. and i can't seem to stop the stream.
and i did it again. i'm not proud of it. and yet i let it do it to me again. i did it again.
so not going to ask for help again... just waiting for the instinctive survival instincts to pull me through. again. again yet again.
now am just awaiting for the rays of dawn to pull me through that dimension called day. and shudder to think of the oncoming of the creeping fingers of Dark and the shadows It cast.
silence of screams. deafening sound of fears. pumping of loneliness.
and so the cycle continues.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 1:44 AM ~*~ |
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Friday, June 08, 2007
sweetz sisters...
i have been feeling very...
these few days... workload and thinking too much on some issues.. times when i felt i'm gonna sink back into that period i did 2 years back.. and each time i come close to the brink, it tks alot effort to quickly distract myself from that pit but infinitely more draining as well... to the point when i just wanna surrender all to the One-Up-There and fly through the dimensions.
And yet each time i come close, sth sweet will happen to just give me that little energy to go on again.
It came in the form of little gifts from my sweetz sisters this week... this was a welcoming surprise. and i love surprises.
Went back for lunch one afternoon this week, drained from the activities of this week, and ying presented me with a miniature Anna Sui-lookalike mirror handphone keychain. Cos i really like Anna Sui designed stuff.. they have a very unique look though i dun use make-up much.
And i was so tied up yesterday with the children's workshop yesterday that i cun go back for lunch.. my lunch affair was a gobbled-up leftover breakfast. Then today, feng msged me to say she had made onigiri and asked if i wanted her to bring it down if i were too busy during work. But turned out pa bought me vegetarian bee hoon for lunch le so she packed the onigiri into a small container before she left so i can save them for dinner.
ahhhh.. sweet sweet little gestures. they were enough to just push me for that extra mile.
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onigiri for me...
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enjoying the onigiri...
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:54 PM ~*~ |
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Thursday, June 07, 2007
so so tired... only wish i learned how to manage my time better all these years... with the amount of work i have on my hands right now, it'll be a long while before i can have moments like this again...
well i would have loved it even better if i was sipping a Shirley Temple and enjoying a star-filled sky in a beach resort in Langkawi, but before that, i'll settle for an amazingly beautiful night scene on a sandy day bed in cafe del mar...
Shu Ling Estrella @ 10:44 PM ~*~ |
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Friday, June 01, 2007
lingzie and her little gatherings...
cheesecakes galore and late night chatting with sha babe...
leisurely late-afternoon shopping and a slice of carrot cake and hot earl grey tea at CB with gracie dear
celebrating darlin' fengfeng's 18th birthday with Chocolate Exotic cake from Four Leaves and a delish meal at Soup Restaurant.
at sizzlers'...
chupa-chups lookalike lamps along the waterfront...
at harry's bar with our colourful variety of drinks...
silly shots when we got bored.. or feel spastic...
Shu Ling Estrella @ 9:31 PM ~*~ |
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a million little pieces....
of shattered hurt
a million tears...
of empty sighs
a million dreams
of broken hope
a million nightmares...
of scrunched-up fears
a million thoughts...
broken into a million little pieces..into a billion..a gazillion....into liquid tears...evaporated into dreams...translated into nightmares...and the cycle repeats... till you spilt my head apart.
whatever happened to simple me? sigh. simplicity. simplicity. simplicity. i crave it.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 9:16 PM ~*~ |
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