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Thursday, March 31, 2005
read at own risk. it may sound incoherent, or be related to ppl u r related to. i'm warning yall first.
actually i also dunno where to begin.
i think too much sometimes, but nowadays, i find tt the therapy to my thinking-too-much wud be writing. blogging it. it helps me see thgs in better perspective. writing in my diary when thgs get too sensitive helps too. but i rather like my blog now:)
stimes i wonder wad kind of account of my life am i going to give God when i finally meet him?
when Judgement Day arrives, what is He going to say to me? will He think my life has been satisfactory? worthy? am i going to defend myself? and on wad basis? the prob is, i dun even know who i am.
thats one of the urgent priority stuff i hv to deal with over the summer holidays--finding myself again.. and oh Father, pls help me.
i realise i am still rather raw from my friendship failures. rather those 3, or 2(since i dun see any basis of frenship with simin), that i have allowed myself to get super close to. rather, i am drawn. without realising that our characters wud clash so much to the point of bitterness, to the pt of no return. sigh.
i shall not deny it any longer. any free moment i have, i will inevitably thk abt it. aft all, they hv been so much a part of my lives. maybe i need sth soon to occupy me. but times when i'm not studying and fretting over term papers and tests and hanging out with other ppl, i will think. esp on my long 1-hr and 15-min long journey to school. i wun be doing anythg then except listening to my MP3 and looking at the scenery, and thots wud creep into my mind.
the prob w me is, i only see the probs after i am out of the friendship. how our chars clash, always with a gentle probing from cat, or rather, she just lay the facts down simple and plain for me. everytime a frenship fails, i always wud end up blamin myself. it muz be me. it muz be my fault. or in cat's words, i simply enjoy tormenting myself.
the problem stems from my insecurities. my deep-set insecurities. few frens can survive it. those that i let get really close to my heart cun. maybe the only one who has seen the full-blown rage of it and survived it is cat. we had our major quarrel b4, but it appears she is the only one who cud survive it. the other 2 just turned and left disgusted at some point. the other 3rd one left bcos the other 2 are disgusted.
i find it tiring even now to explain to friends how my insecurities come abt. they knew it exists, but like i said, few can survive it. then i realise actually i shun hv even bothered to explain. they'll just leave when they like regardless of how i feel. regardless the fact that it has been like that all my life, and i need their help and encouragement more than ever if they know it. i need, even if they cun und it, their acceptance of me as a friend still. i pleaded for understanding and help to help me overcome a prob that has existed all thru 20years of my life, but none of the 3 were willing to stay on.
maybe it's realli a prob i hv to overcome myself. i come to realise that there are some thgs in life i just hv to overcome myself. but what really disappointed me was that they just left. just like that. without a consideration. when i needed support the most. when i needed the encouragement. maybe i realli cant find a true friend who is willing to give me the luxury of time to help me and let me see the problem for myself. they were all impatient for it to happen, wanted it to happen. fast.
it's a problem with alot of humans. they want to see thgs happen fast. they are impatient for thgs to happen their way. acceptance and tolerance are very hard traits to master. i dun deny i'm always complaining that God dun answer my prayers fast enough.. till my cousin tells me of ppl who pray for the same thg for 20,30 years without giving up.
maybe the only being who can really tolerate us all, is only God. imagine Him seeing the whole world of ppl behaving in ways that anger, sadden, disappoint Him, and still He doesn't turn away. i'm guilty of only turning back to Him everytime i hv trouble of this sort, and turning back on Him when i'm happy and blissful.
actually was i ever truly happy? i rem once upon a time, when all i wanted to be was to be a simple heartlander girl enjoying simple happiness. somewhere along the way, frens with big aspirations of life, that innate hunger on thriving on life's complexities, that search for constant maturity based on life's everyday drama experiences, that belief that maturity is the way of life, is the top point of their lives, drew me in. i believe wad they believe, aim to attain wad they want. i believe their lives to be better than mine. i totally forgot myself. i try to get as close to their hearts as i can, believing them to be my epiphany to my otherwise boring and "superficial" life. i believe that wad i found in them is wad i want for myself, just that it was hidden in my heart.
but it dint work. i was not like them at all. i was in fact just blindly believing that i wanted wad they want, what they have. and maybe it has been like that all my life. i was never the leader-type, just the follower. i always set out to achieve the goals ppl set for me. set out to get wad ppl want of me. i desperately craved approval. but i never gain approval from myself, only of others. i savoured compliments, but each criticism that came my way had the ability to destroy me like a cancerous virus that creeps it way slowly but sure-fatally into my system. in essence, i hung over my criticisms alot, believing i'm a lousy human bcos of it, and did eveythg i cud to try to rectify it or defend it. i believe myself to be my criticisms, and wadever compliments i received will be forgotten as if they never exist. u can say, i was living a life on more negativity than positivity. whilst my frens built on their self-love theory, i never even had one to begin with bcos i was too concerned with the criticisms that made me feel i wasn't worthy of being a human, not worthy enough of God's love, not even worthy enough to have a place on this earth.
that was right. i never once questioned my worthiness on this earth, only my unworthiness. i collapsed each time my close frens pointed out my major flaws and turn away in disgust. just drop me like a hot potato. i always tot it to be my fault, and sank into self abuse and mental torture. i sank into what they term to be self-pity, and i admit maybe i was. i felt my whole world has crashed down on me cos the close frens i have given such a big part of me to left me. i tot them to be my best friends, gave them a huge part of life and heart, believe in their promises. their promises of "i'll never abandon you no matter what happened", "i wud always be there", You are like a sister, like family, someone i cannot do without", "we wud hv that trip mid-year, i promise".. i believe in all the promises. i had faith. but as words without actions wud be, they are all empty hollow mere utterances of words.
my flaw was i dun have self-love. and my problem was i cannot let go easily. i "na(3) de(3) qi(3), fang(4) bu(2) xia(4)". and to the close friends, my problem became the fatal flaw and the ending to the friendship. in time, my sentimentality and sensitivity became my undoing, became flaws, being caring and giving became annoying traits cos they dun thk i thk for myself, self-pity became superficiality and self-absorption, inability to love myself became the major point of their disgust. worst, my new interests, just pure unadultearted interests in skin care, aerobics were thought to be hankering after superficialities in life. they cun und. even though they can spend time having their little indulgences in shoes, own skin care, clothes, own looks, own sports of jogging and swimming, my interests in the same areas were tot to be hankering after sth superficial in life. they cun und. they cun. they cun.
and their comments bothered me. i tried hard to explain. only to realise they have already formed their own conclusions of me and there is no need of explanations. they weren't willing to stand in my shoes and think. they never did actually. my life and character were what they thot it to be. they cun und my pt of view, neither are they willing to try. i understood where they were coming from, so i never hate. i was disappointed, but i never hate, cos i stood in their shoes and try to picture what they think, but they never did the same thg. never never never. my hate only came when cold, disdained comments dripped out as if she has never known me. when she passed her comments only based on wad she had heard. i had heard comments abt her, but i always reserved my comments. at least more than once did i try to stand in her shoes and think where she's coming from. even when my frens were angry with her then, i still reserved my comments. cos i knew where she's coming from. i have lost touch on her experiences and who she has become, so i reserve my comments on her character, lest i pass wrong judgement. but i shun hv expected the same treatment yeah? she spared no sarcasm and tots on who she thks i have become thru her frens.
and still it hurts. let go let go my frens comforted me, its not worth bumping into these forces of hurt that'll undo u further. i will. i will resurface sometime. please, just give me time. i need alot of time. alot alot of time. please dun be impatient with me. or if you feel u cannot wait, then just tell me if u want to leave. but please tell me straight to my face. dun hv a cold war with me. dun ignore me. break it to my face. i cannot handle sudden disappearances.
actually i realise maybe i am stronger than i tot i am. after all, i survived the failure of those close friendships without technically having someone to fall back on. cat was there to give me a reality check. ida was there to encourage. flor was there to comfort. sylvia was there to listen. my frens gave me wad they felt i needed. but i still picked up the pieces of my broken heart and move on by myself. i have to move on by myself. ask wad i want from life myself. but i moved on myself knowing i have to make the journey myself. when i lost my best friend, i dint have a boyfriend to fall back on. when i lost my next 2 close friends, i had no best friend to go cry about to. when i came face-to-face with my character issues, i faced them on myself. i was alone. but i cna proudly say i took on the independent journey myself. i pick up the broken pieces of my heart and now am trying to piece them back. myself.
i know i'll have the strength to move on. somehow. i know i have this strength in me somehow. i may still hurt now, but i know i'll see the light breaking through the shadows someday. i have learnt so much. learn never to lean on a person completely. learn that even the closest peron to your heart cud still take ur heart one day and smash it to pieces. learn that in times of adversity do u really see who are ur true friends. none of my 3 close friends have passed the test. they turned away in adversity. i was willing to fight. but it takes 2 hands to clap after all.
i dun deny i do still need ppl. need my family. my cousins and nephews. need my friends. need God. i need ppl. but i have to learn to know how to deal with what i want out of people. not what people want out of me. cos thats the surefire way to self-destruction.
if God made this world and there's room for everyone, there's room for liars, cheats, betrayers, backstabbers, thieves, robbers, rapists, terrorists, angels, saints, martyrs, all kinds of human beings, then surely there is a place in it for me. surely in the zillions of acres of sky, i can find that bit of sky that belongs to me. that place that says 'reserved for shuling".
i need ppl. and i need to learn about other people. cos when u think u r suffering, there's always someone who is suffering more than u. life is not made up of just one's personal dramas..thats what i called true self-absorption. i will find myself soon. and i welcome anyone who's willing to make that journey with me. and i wanna know and enrich myself through others' lives too. i wanna give again to people, and have people give me back in forms of making me a better person, to broaden my horizons. i wanna be a heartlander, but i believe a heartlander has her own experiences too. who says u only grow mature through travelling the world or having big aspirations? God made this world for all kinds of people, and surely He loves the little heartlander as much as He loves that big aspirer.
i will find myself. i wun be beaten down again by what others dun understand of me. dunno me. cos now i know, i need to know myself first.
shuling is currently a peanut-butter-and-chocolate-oreo-lover who is seeking simplicity. and who will find it.
i have been tainted by self-absorbed complexities of others, and fail to appreciate the simple thgs God has granted in life. but i believe i can make my way back again.
i will not stoop to your level and drop disdained comments like you have done based on a one-sided story. maybe you have mattered most to me at a point in time. but your words left me looking down on you. and now you don't even deserve the smallest piece of my heart. there are more deserving people of it. i may not carry it out now, i may still hurt from you. but i know i will be strong. at least i have made my journey without total dependence on anyone any longer. i have made it without a boyfriend or a best friend. i have made it through my help.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 6:44 PM ~*~ |
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Wednesday, March 30, 2005
peanut butter and oreo cookies
peanut butter and choc oreo cookies makes my day!! throw in a glass of milk with that!!:) i woke up at an unearthly hour today.. like at 1.15pm.. to a packet of peanut butter and choc cookies my 2nd sis, ying, had bought for me. i had wanted to try it ever since i saw the advertisement. it was an instant mood-lifter. a glass of fresh milk, 4 cookies, and one of my fave vcd shows on tv. it is heaven on earth.:) i spent the rest of the day doing some light housework, vacuuming the house, keeping the clothes and helping mum with laundry. aren't i a good mummy's girl???haha.. actually i was also doing it just to rid my mind of any leftover disdain and as an alternative workout since i haven't exercised for ages!! and escaping from the essay due on fri. bleargh.. when will the trail of term papers end? bah. and i wanna thank ida and cat for checking on me. life is still so good to me. wat more can i ask for and for wad reason shd i complain further? none. thanks u treasures:)
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:48 PM ~*~ |
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FUCK.
i cant believe i wanna cry for her.
when will i learn to stop being a weakling?
hands down to the creator of this word. most apt when cold hatred and hot anger pulses thru ur blood.
however it is not satisfying enough.
fucking na beh chao ji bye(a phrase i learnt from an old colleague)
if only there isnt a twist of heart-wrenching pain running along with cold hatred and hot anger.
no i shall not sink to her level.
i shall just indulge in my newfound freedom of speech and for the first time in these fucking couple years, think of all the forms of torture i wud love to inflict man.
why have i ever bothered to think of you miss you wish you well defend you before my friends when you so coldly turned on what we had with such piercing words?you make me cry.you make me hate.
actually why shd i even bother anymore? totally unworth of my time.
but hate is actually purging.
FUCK. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK
Shu Ling Estrella @ 5:10 AM ~*~ |
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i hate, absolutely loathe how some ppl just love to make disdained comments about someone they hear abt thru the grapevine, thru the accounts of others, without even wanting to leave room for the other side of the story.
it's a double blow when you realise this kind of person had once been close to you and once made empty promises they do not keep and whom you had been thinking not affectionately, but at least well of her.
i shd stop being dumb and stop believing in the good nature of such ppl where it's not deserved, or stop being, in the person's words, "self-absorbed" in my thkg of such ppl and maintain "superficiality" in the thkg of such ppl. any depth in thkg is definitely no longer deserved for such ppl.
and on a last note,
just FUCKING go to hell and rot in your piss. keep your fucking comments to yourself when you dun even know a fuck about my fucking life. fuck. i have no need to spare any reservation in my freedom of speech or 'act' like a goody-two-shoes, or defend u as my friends always said i have.
now i finally see their point. been blind too long man.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 4:48 AM ~*~ |
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"Almost Here"
"Almost Here"
Brian McFadden feat. Delta Goodrem
Brian:
Did I hear you right?
Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you
Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?
Delta:
But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause you are only almost here
Brian:
I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me
Brian & Delta:
Bruised and battered by your words
Days are shattered, now it hurts
Brian:
Oh, haven't I always loved you?
Delta:
But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause you are only almost here
Brian & Delta:
Bruised and battered by your words
Days are shattered, now it hurts
Brian:
Haven't I always loved you?
Delta:
But when I need you
You're almost here
Brian:
Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you
Delta:
And when I hold you
You're almost here
Brian:
Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted
Brian & Delta:
And now I'm with you
I'm close to tears
Brian:
Cause I know I'm almost here
Brian & Delta:
Only almost here
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It's one of those nights when i am feeling particularly sentimental, vulnerable, and allowing myself to sink into that pool of memories, visit blogs i don't want to visit, letting tears gather on the brink, place my heart on the very edge to breaking, imagining and longing for that special someone to put arms tight ard me and let me break down freely.
It's also one of those nights when i let myself think of the times i have been "almost there", the times i have refused to let myself fall truly over the edge, into the abyss. how ppls' accounts and experiences of that plunge have made me afraid of taking that plunge myself. into the point of no return. all the reasons why i am not in love. dunno how to be. dunno who to be in with.
how deep-set insecurities have prevented me from considering love. considering that plunge. unworthy of love. incapable of it.
scared. insecure. i think of those near-misses. the times i nearly fell over the edge. just that one step short.
unworthy. incapable. no capacity for that kind of love.
scared. insecure. unworthy. incapable.
that is why up to now, i am "only almost here".
Shu Ling Estrella @ 3:53 AM ~*~ |
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Monday, March 28, 2005
my love--skin care
i have an obsession with skin care products. i dunno when it really started. i just sorta fell in love with it somewhere along the way. i have an entire shelf in my cupboard that's dedicated to skin care products alone. it's the most sweet-smelling area of my cupboard too, the mix of scents from the lotions and creams.
i think my love started with Kose. it is still my favourite brand now. currently. maybe till i have more money to try out like, Shisheldo or SKII, heh. i love the Sekkisei range of products by Kose, especially the Sekkisei lotion mask. Placing a refrigerator-chilled mask on ur face under air-con conditions is one of the most revitalising and perk-up thgs u can do. Sekkisei, however, is Kose's most expensive range. it's a whitening and purifying range and remains the most expensive primarily bcos it is targetted at the working adult female and the tai-tais, and also bcos it is said to garner fantastic results plus it won an award for skincare before. though the most expensive, it is also the best-selling range of Kose. the hit is the Sekkisei lotion, which costs $80 for a 200ml bottle. i'm privileged enough to own one 100ml bottle, which i had gotten cheaper at the Kose counter in KL last year on my holiday.
Along the way, my experiments with other skin-care products brought me an accumulation of other products as well. i tried Body Shop, The Natural Source, normal off-the-shelf brands like Nivea Visage, Neutragena, Loreal, Proactiv. Proactiv remains my long-time face-wash as it helps me eliminate alot of my acne. recently i bought Clinique's Dramatically Different Moisturizing gel recommended by a magazine and Kose's newest sunscreen-Nano Wear. from skin care, my interests extended to hair care and body care. i simply love The Natural Source range of products for these. their Daintree Body range-Desert Plum Body Whip, Sugarcane extract Body Salt Rub and Hi-shine hair care range-hair mask are a few of my favourites. i really like their products cos all the ingredients used are very natural.
One of my favourite pastimes in window-shopping is just to pass by these places and idle about eyeing their meticulously-arranged ranges of products and their squeaky clean counters when the beauty consultants aren't ard to bother me. i love the pleasant scents that floated from the freshness of the counters and the interior design of these places. it gives me a very theurapeutic feeling.
Although i seldom use my products now, only the obligatory moisturizing after washing regime at times and the use of sunscreen on my face especially in this so-damaging sunniness, i still love looking at and accumulating my skin care range. i dun like make-up, only these pampering treats for the body and skin and physical well-being.
some ppl used to thk in the past it's a very superficial thg. but who cares? it's my love, and if it makes me happy, why not?:)
Maybe my next love will be spa. it's one desire i have to wait till i'm perhaps a few thousand dollars richer.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:59 PM ~*~ |
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i have just finished my soci of race term paper. 2910 words. due at 5pm later today.
whh i only started tecnically writing at 4am this morning. after spending eons reading my articles on it.
crap. i know i'm going to get a crap grade.
i hate term papers. period. they are the bane to my academic learning life in NUS. it's sorta like that thorn at your side that you have to sit down and spend time plucking it out and then you can't move on till you get it fully out.
urgh.
and i still got 3 more papers after this. soci theory due on friday, not to mention a world-religion quiz worth 15% along with it on that day. tragedy due next mon. spore lit due next next mon.
urghs.. and exams in less than a month. can my life get any better?
ok i shd stop whining and start gettin my butt moving. fast.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 8:26 AM ~*~ |
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Saturday, March 26, 2005
i'm such a loser.
i been online for the past 3 plus hours internet-surfing, checking emails, reading blogs and whining to anyone on msn who wud listen to my woes on work and i still haven't done a scrap of work.
i'm so screwed.
proscratination.proscratination.proscratination.
i shun blame anyone but myself if i get a less-than-decent grade on my paper on mon.
oh groans. come to me u spirit of concentration!
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:58 PM ~*~ |
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my days gone by...
the weeks are passing in a whirl. i'm beginning to get the "i havent really made full use of my semester" feeling again.
really just wanna hold on.. since i only have a lil over a year left in school. maybe i'm really scared of the world out there. i dunno wad to expect.
i been questioning alot on my life, wondering wad kind of life i really am looking for... stimes i feel i tend to rely too much or get too easily influenced by wat my frens want tt i start to picture it as my own life, or feel tt my life is just not good enough, not exciting enough, not meaningful enough.
for instance like a job. do i just want to be content with a 9-to-5 job, or a freelance job, or one of irregular hours and v proj-based? and do i want a job tt i hope i can rise to the top of the corporate ladder? pay increase will accelerate? or do i want one tt just pays me enough for my family to live on comfortably? or do i look for a job tt just pays me enough for myself to get by, so tt i can pursue my dream again-to be a professional archer? or do i want to own a lil shop happily selling thgs on this small island being a heartlander always?or be a voluntary worker?
lately i have been thkg abt my dream again, to be a professional archer, or even to be able to set up a archery school myself and bring the sport to others. i guess its one of those times when i start thkg alot to the past, and this happy memory stuck the most. i have nv really told many of you wad happened betwn archery and me. but i guess along the line, i just got v tired of the politics tt spoilt the sport for me. stimes i just wonder, how can a sport get so political? how can people, in wanting to attain power in the archery committees they are representing, or even to win prizes, show the ugly side of human nature in the fight for first place? sometimes it's such competitions where the players come to suffer the brunt of it. to me it is a v simple sport tt makes me happy in my pursuit to scale higher heights in the practice of it. but ppl, ppl in power(supposedly) makes it so, so political.
maybe i shd blame myself for giving up so fast too. but i really hope one day, i'll have the guts to pick it up again. maybe, the thg is, i have never forgotten the high i get when my bow is in my hand.
another aspect of my life i been thkg on is my own self. stimes i wonder if im really closed up. plain introverted or just self-imposed introvertedness. like my life is not busy enough, not exciting enough for a 20-year-old. doing nth except going to school, going hm to family and spending the occasional time with frens. stimes i wonder if i shd just pick up sth, a new sport or activity, be more active with my net grp, or go out to meet frens?
i thk the answer right now for me is no. this is my life. and for now, i love this life. and i guess tho it may sound boring and close-minded, i'm actually happy. no doubt i do get tt yearning or tt feeling of "i'm wasting my life" when i read of my frens making new friends, being v active in hall, or on church or so on and forth. but i guess maybe my busy frens do have their own longings too. so i guess as busy-ness have its price, my 'boringness' has its price too. i tend to think too much in my alone-time. but i'm happy all the same. and rite now, happiness to me is very impt.
it always makes me feel better to write all these out, cos i thk it helps me look at thgs in perspective. talking abt writing, i have a 2500-word soci of race paper due on monday, and i havent written a single word!!! oh groans.. next week is a nutcase. 3 papers sposedly due(but lucky one is pushed back), then one test worth 15% of the module!! i havent done too well on my prev 2 tests, so this is the last time i can perform.
i'm starting to look fwd to the summer holidays again. a summer filled with relaxing, swimming, tanning, cycling, look for a job, reading and self-reflection. a summer hopefully where i can take away some new sort of experience or lessons.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 4:03 PM ~*~ |
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Tuesday, March 22, 2005
a few sweet ppl...
before i finally turn in for the night, wanna thank a few ppl for being there for me tonite:
- jiaying and ruth: had a lovely time tonite with these 2 pals tonite.. and thanks ever so much for tt sweet gesture of the star clip. loved it. and jiaying, thanks for ur words of encouragement.
- sylvia: thanks for the company tonight as i had the talk. it means alot to know that you have been there all this while to pull me through.
- my dearest sister: was really touched when my 2nd sis, ying, actually put her arms ard me and said, "dun be sad. i'll always pei you." when she knew i was having my talk, and even sat close to me for a while. overwhelmed by her gesture heh.
as i say, i'll always be grateful for all the little things i have been blessed with. and honestly, these arent really small. they have been big blessings to me.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 2:23 AM ~*~ |
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a new me?
i hv had that talk with grace. clearly simin cun find a couple hrs to spare to talk. oh well. i reserve my comments on tt for now. but clearly there's stuff i wish to say whh i dun wan to write now.
anw, feelings after the talk?
blank. really. not sad. not happy.
maybe bleeding a little inside cos after all it was once a special bond.
dun get me wrong. we dint part badly(ok im so making this sound like a relationship---but dun u guys mistake me as a lesbian like her bro and simin have---i'm not.). we are adults after all. we had a v civil talk, dint rule out the impossibility of friendship, but yet both know sth's lost.
i shall not start blamin myself again.
shall not.
i shall not even wallow in self-pity as i'm too inclined to.
i'm gonna be strong.
and know that what has happened wasn't my fault.
know that in the midst of it all, i still have great friends who care.
will find friends who understand me and love and accept me as i am.
like jiaying said tonite, since i know whats the prob, i shun question too much to make myself miserable. and tt it takes two hands to clap. whether it is salvaged or not, i knew i did my best. and no more. i wun keep yearning for sth tts outta my reach. cos the one's suffering is always me.
i shall be kinder to myself.
it will start today.
shuling will resurface.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 1:48 AM ~*~ |
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Sunday, March 20, 2005
i have decided to make that confrontation with grace and simin on the better advice of my friends.
confrontation. it sounds bad. but i'm in lack of a better word now.
honestly i dun appreciate it at all.
sigh.
please pray for courage to be able to face up to it, accept whatever comes out and move on. with peace of mind.
i should get some work done.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:23 PM ~*~ |
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i shall have a tagboard up soon. anw my sis is helping me with a new layout. i shall just let her play with it and have the tagboard up soon.
i had a very nice day today with sylvia. haha sposed to start studying but in the end we ended up happily chatting for close to 2 hours. i used to harbour this thkg that i wun ever find good frens in uni, as in the kind that u can actually share feelings and talks with. i tot i'll just get hang-out module mates, but i'm pleasantly proven wrong.
we shared our feelings and past experiences of the human relationships in our lives, the kind of personalities we have, our future dreams and so on.. it was such a simple getting-to-know-you-better kind of conversation, that i was almost melting under the sincerity and simplicity of it.
who started making human relationships so complicated? i decided to revisit the blogs of 2 friends and realise they have been very caught up in the complexities of human relationships. i dun wish to say further. this afternoon, i shared such a innocent simple conversation that i almost forgot i had so craved and so wanted and most imptly, am so contented with such simplicity in my life. i had so forgotten how good an understanding friend makes u feel.
i used to think if one is a true friend, she/he will bring out the best in you. now, i felt that not only does still stand, but that even as your worst comes out, a true friend shd be not only able to help you overcome it, but stick to you in your moment of need too.
many might disagree with me. cos such a person, if you find him or her, most likely she/he will end up ur mate for life. the person who's able to accept you truly for who you are. but i have not been in a relationship before, so i reserve my comments on that.
i realise that the closer i get to a person, as how i had with mariko, grace and simin, friction will come in sooner or later. in their cases, it all came very soon. had the speed of closeness been too fast? i dunno. or maybe as i come to think, i guess the problem was as we got closer, i realise that we are actually uncoordinated in personality and thinking. i was too soft and too inclined to follow the leader. or in another case, as the worst of me came out, none of them was prepared or were too annoyed to accept it.
my insecurity is a major problem. few friends are able to accept or understand it. i guess i dun blame the ones that turn away. but i cannot deny the hurt and disappointment.
maybe i have been drowning in the waters of complexities and i am only sighting the shore of simplicity now.
or maybe the longing for simplicity has always been hidden in my heart and i kept pushing it to the back of my mind as i thrived to live in the waters of complexity my close friends are so beguiled by.
this will stop.
the new shuling will resurface.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 10:25 PM ~*~ |
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Over-giving
"Overgiving-where you put others ahead of you to the extent where your needs are not addressed, your time and energy are sapped and you feel inwardly resentful-is not an action driven by the positive outlook of sharing and offering of your personal resources. Surprisingly, over-giving usually stems from a low self-esteem and insecurity. It is when you don't feel so sure about why people should like you as you are, or see what you as a person, friend, other half... have to offer that inspires the need to please others too much. By making others happy, you may unconsciously-or consciously-think that it is a way to win others to your side."
i was reading the april issue of Seventeen(which my 3rd sis bought from 7-11 so she can get that Hello Kitty magnet collectible) and i came across this article, entitled "are you an over-giver?" i was really v shocked to find how much of myself i found in the article, could really relate to it. i guess some of yall can too. if any of yall are interested, i can lend you the article. the article goes on to explore of this phenomena entitled "over-giving" and how over-givers behave and others' responses to them, which mostly amounted to being "smothering" and "bossy" and having no ideas of their own. in short these are the people who come across as very caring and giving people who are actually too afraid to lose the people in their lives and hence do all they can to please people, whilst inwardly they feel resentful for the way they are feeling and they crave recipocration of some form.
i must say i realise i have suffered from this very long, especially towards friends i have grown very close to. i keep pushing myself to be like them, to adopt their thinking, to do what they like, to do things to make them happy, whether they are happy or sad. in short, my life was spent thinking of ways to get even closer to them by doing things i think they would approve of. if they wanted to watch a certain movie, i wun dare suggest another one. if they feel very strongly about an issue, i seldom repute it and usually end up agreeing with it and convince myself that i am of that thinking too. in these few weeks when i actually had some time to myself, i thought back and realise that never was there once where i have really sat down and think to myself what do i want? who i really am? in fact i discover to my horror, i dun even know who i am. i still don't. i cun even name a single quality of myself that i call my own and that i am proud of. i have lived and leeched on others for the past 20 years of my life.
i really hope that from now on, now that i discovered my problem, to be able to overcome it and have "me-time", as the magazine put it aptly. my dearest friends, especially those who have walked so long with me, i hope i can continue to walk this journey with yall. my new friends, i hope that my quirks and eccentricities and weaknesses wun frighten yall off. i guess a lot of times, it takes tests of this sort to tell us who are the ones who are truly the friends who are willing to walk till the end of the road with you.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 3:01 AM ~*~ |
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Friday, March 18, 2005
another new blog
heyz ppl...
i have decided to create another new blog... in memory of moving on to another phase of my life. once again, i have reached another crossroads in my life. a time for me to self-reflect and leave my burdens and past behind. a time for a new me. or rather a same old brand new me. a time when i have to think again what i want out of life, out of myself, out of human relationships and many other issues i prob never take time out to sit down and think about.
but as of now, i'm actually very happy with my days.. maybe intermixed with lil bits of sadness-bitterness-anger but generally more at peace with the world.. most imptly, freer.. to do what i want, to think abt thgs i never really thk abt. i even enjoy doing thgs on the spur of the moment and just doing nothing at all.. just passing a day with nothing-constructive-in-it. it can be revitalising.
welcome guys to another phase of my life, mapped out by this blog.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 10:57 PM ~*~ |
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