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Wednesday, August 17, 2005
i was reading through my archives and realise that i complain too much abt stuff, abt thgs. when have i become such a primp?
urgh. i resolve to be kinder to myself so i wun complain too much.
and i shall try to be grateful for more thgs.
but NOT for instance, the lousy Centralised Online Registration System(fucker CORS), that had me out of bed since 9am this morning and did nothing except to oogle at the screen the entire day, and have the message "SORRY, THE SERVER IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE" appear in front of me umpteenth times when i freakin just wanna go in and bid for 3 bloody tutorials. and on top of all that, the assistants of the various departments for which i am still short of 2 modules sweetly informed me that i have to make an appeal through CORS which would be routed back to them.
fuck.
Like i was telling my friend online, if they made signing up manual, it would have taken a shorter time. i would have been in school and back in about 4 hours. as it is, i just spent the last 8 hours or so in front of the comp. who in burning hell ever says online is more tech-savvy, more convenient? and fucker CORS actually extended their tutorial registration timings first from 5pm to 7pm, then now to 6am tomorrow.
bleargh. does that mean staying the whole night up? just to sign up for 3 lousy tutorials? and oh yeah the appeals too.(one emailed me saying i have gotten the module but i STILL have to make the official CORS appeal to get the module.)
and on top of that, i still havta go work later. on a pounding headache from lack of sleep.
thanks to CORS. u damned fucking lousy #$%^&* ass of a hellhole, and
"SORRY, THE SERVER IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE"
Shu Ling Estrella @ 4:46 PM ~*~ |
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Tuesday, August 16, 2005
i spent a senselessly happy evening all by myself.
senseless: cos it was on impulse.
happy: cant remember the last time i was by myself.
lecture ended surprisingly early. said time: 8pm. actual ending time: 6pm. go figure. but who isn't happy about that?
actually honestly it didnt start out tt happily. but unknowingly for goodness knows what reason, i got thrown a tantrum again and feeling suddenly so sian of it all, i decided not to return so early.
original plan was catch the 7.15pm Charlie & the Chocolate Factory at West Mall, which I could reach via 189, but the bus crawled so slowly in the post-work traffic that by the time it finally trundled to West Mall, it was already 7.35pm. so change of plans: go back to causeway point and watch a late night show instead. timings of movies usually run along the lines of 7+pm and 9+pm, so i figured i would be in good time for the 9+ show back in ol' causeway.
when i finally reached causeway, as predicted, it was 8.30, and i strolled into cathay to get a ticket for the 9.30pm Chocolate show. the ticket gal kept stumbling over "2 tickets...?", "so 2...no, 1 ticket for Charlie & and The Chocolate Factory...." and it struck me that everywhere is so couplesville that even sales cant used to lone rangers. then i thought: but how can Charlie be a couples' show? whew.. i was surprised. with one hour to kill, i decided i dun want to eat dinner alone in any of the cafes and fast food restaurants but instead takeaway for the movie later. so i spent the next hour or so walking around, after a while it was skipping around. i walked into Music Junction, and after shuttling back and forth between the Chinese CDs racks, pondering and fiddling with my new charm braceket. settled on Pan Wei Bo's latest album(which i bought at $9.90 since it was a China production) and Cai Chun Jia's latest album. great. i'm listening to a hip-hopper idolised by many adoring adolescents and a local singer whose first album i thought was so forgettable and common-listening i never paid her any attention. but i was fiddling with my bird-in-flight charm when the speakers suddenly filled her crooning rendition of this old song that i used to like alot but i cant remember the name of the original singer. it's titled "Someday I Will", and the lyrics go something like "Someday I will take flight, someday i will open my eyes to see Who that someone is in my dreams, someday i will fly above & beyond the world...." and she did such a heartwrending renditon of the song i damned near broke down there and then. the song stuck in my head even as i left the store. and i was softly singing it to myself. then i was skipping between Watson's and Metro's, eyeing a Guess bag, and then last stop at OPSM to get protein removal tablets for my contacts before i made my final stop at Macs to get a double cheeseburger meal takeaway for my movie. the Macs gal was so friendly she instantly lifted my already-much-improved spirits, and i happily headed through the preparing-to-close-for-the-day shops to the cinema, my meal safely tucked into my Crumpler.
Charlie was a blast. i watched with much warmth and fuzziness in me, munching on my double cheese as i watch the beautiful factory of Wonka unfolding before my eyes, and i fell in love with Johnny Depp all over again. the simplicity and beauty and uncomplexity of it all brought tears-i-have-forgotten-how-to-shed(wads wrong with me tonite?) to my eyes. but it actually felt so good to feel that prick of tears again i could weep buckets. and i realise how i miss having such simple instinctiveness and easy warmth in a movie. Charlie was a fresh streak.
as i trudged home later, i had a sudden longing in me to return instead to a hostel room, a quaint space so small it can hold only me, and i envisaged me looking out on the moonlit sky, with a cigarette between fingers, absentmindedly flicking off ash, and thought of various ppl who offered me a stick a long time back, and how desperately i wanted that offer now. thought of all those times other friends and colleagues and her smoking next to me and how i wished for a stick now. remembered that msn conversation with a fren and we talked of smoking to relieve stress. maybe i should go get that packet s'time soon. after all if i were to die of lung cancer, i would rather have it from the taste of first-hand pollution rather than second-hand pollution.
ok bed now. i have 101 thgs to settle tmr. for instance. 2 modules unsettled and tmr's the last bidding day. (praying really hard...) whew. really wish me luck.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 12:53 AM ~*~ |
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Saturday, August 13, 2005
As you cry for the memory of yesterday
i wonder,
what kind of memory you are crying for?
the shadows that lurk in your heart
that never fully went away even though you insist they have
the shadows that encroach your mind
making it difficult for you to embrace the now
can you honestly tell me you are brave
and that you will have a new start
don't pay me the tribute of customary bullshit that falls from your lying lips
nor put that assertive expression in my face
that is so disgustingly "noble" that you make me want to
laugh out loud
don't tell me your God or your heart or your counsel tells you that
tomorrow is a new day
because shadows belong to yesterday.
say you are weak
proudly
admit you are self-pitying, attention-seeking for all the comfort
you want to rob from those who stake claims for your personal well-being
stay in the limelight as long as you want
answer your selfish instincts
instead of obeying the niggling sensible lies of advice
because only you know you
are selfish and
only you know you
are weak-minded and
only you know you
are human.
a piece of useless mass of meat
until you know how to seek your happiness in the most natural form of perverse pleasures your instincts crave
instead of being a well-loved unhappy saint
be a publicly-hated happy human
who knows your doses of happinesses better
and who to derive from
step on them, be elitist, be racist, be status-conscious, be wealth-lusting, be brand-chasing, be openly hating all those you have hated for so long
only make sure you are only answering
to yourself, your instincts
let your conscience fly with the shadows to yesterday
crave the blind spot use it
be a deliciously happy bitch
or a classy asshole
and you will find, my child
you will cry no more
cos you will have no more memory of yesterday
only the good deeds you have done for yourself today.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 3:19 AM ~*~ |
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Friday, August 12, 2005
Lesser than Me
There are times i wanna scream, look at me!!i need attention!!! there are times i wish to pass by as unnoticeable as possible.
there are times when i feel lesser than me, when i feel i'm not actually as good or great or impacting as i wish myself to be. there are times when i feel i will not affect people but on the other hand, people very much affect me, in the things they do to me, say to me, think of me. times when i can mull over it for days on end, before realising that i'm wasting my time.
i like to think i have come far. that i'm trying to shake off the shadows of yesterday and walk into the now. there are times when i think i have matured. but in truth i dun think i have. in truth at times like this, i sink back into my self-pitying self that i'm so guilty of and think i am lesser than me.
when people's words, thoughts, impressions of me start to affect me, i know i have sank into this stage again. a time when i think that actually my existence isn't that important at all. a time when i realise if i'm not around, people wun grieve so much, people are not affected so much, they will but not so much ya know? it will be a matter of time before this familiar face is wiped out from their systems.
this is a time when i'm very affected by the words of a 17-year old colleague, when i start opening my eyes to the fakeness of the real world i am living in. when the choice between 2 drastically different modules reflect a me everyone is used to. when a 17-year old's eyes are even sharper than me in this sense. a time when i realise i'm still a puppet. i do what people want me to do, to be, and the only miserable person at the end is myself.
too affected by what people say to me, think of me, and i thought i have improved over the years on this, only to realise i am back on square one.
not easy being me. or rather i dunno how to be me. or rather everyone is so used to the quiet, introverted, safe, old me they are used to the things i think, do, say and express. they know my choices before i do, maybe cos i'm also used to asking for their opinions. even when their choices dun work out the best for me. becos even i'm used to my comfort zone, so used that even when i suggest doing sth out of my ordinary, no one will believe i will follow through, cos i am a very safe girl. whatever extraordinary thoughts i have are only entertained up here(points to head). i never will dare to carry out, and such a cycle repeats itself so often that i let it repeat over n over again that even i am used to such a arrangement.
the me is what i let everyone think of me as and mould me as. i will never dare to step out of my comfort zone. never. cos i never try.
it comes to a point when i realise my experiences come to zilch. when people think of me as a impressionable girl and i never step out of the image. when people are used to me and i never want to change bcos people are used to me and i'm affected by what they think of me. my experiences are nothing to be learned from, nothing to be heard of.
this is the reason why i wun ever earn any respect anywhere. least of all myself. i dun even like the me i'm talking abt now. i can't even think of a single redeeming quality i have. there is a reason why she gains respect from her and i dun despite her displaying the less good-girl qualities, the less sensible qualities. there is a reason why everyone listens to her though they hate her. there is a reason why she looks like a bittergourd and people gte scared or concerned for her and when i look like a bittergourd and people think i am throwing a senseless tantrum. there is a reason why i'm not respected. cos i dun even like me.
yeah. i may be guarded, anti-social resulting in a fierce and unfriendly appearance which i dun like. yeah i may be sweet and compassionate to my good friends. but yet, something's missing. something i have pushed away and evaded ever since i lost it and care to think of it. and i let myself be stepped on. cos everyone believes that's me. in a nutshell. resistance repels people, and i hate repelling people. and resistance is after all, only temporary.
i cannot remember the last time i had feel treasured bcos i'm in someone's life and did sth worthwhile. maybe i have really gone from bad to worse. from shy n inconfident to self-pitying to sth even less than vermin.
why have it come to this? i'm tired of asking if it isn't worthwhile trying to be me, or breaking out of the safe me, or to attempt to be something else totally different. to do what i want would culpitate to selfishness, to step on others would be vicious, to charm others would be manipulative. i know it aint easy being yourself cos there are bound to be people who'll dislike you, and whilst i know it'll be like that, i cant help wanting to be well-liked, and not hated. or i wanna to be proud of me, to let others call me a bitch but i'm a happy bitch. i love being a bitch. that kinda attitude. but oh, the safe old me doesnt want that to happen!
there are times when i have absolute faith in God, and absolute denial of Him. a time when i feel at least only He can love me, and others when i feel i have been God's mistake, that He made me an empty vessel, to be filled as pleased by those around me.
and i so desperately want to be loved. maybe thats whats missing. but havent i been taught oso that whenever u crave or obcure a certain happiness, there's a certain sacrifice involved as well. whether others or you have to pay for it is insignificant, but the sacrifice is still there.
or maybe like cat said, i needed that someone, regardless of gender, to regard me as the most-important one in his/her life. maybe i have missed that feeling(not the person).
or maybe i am more suited to be a hermit, being undependent till the end of my days. so no one can affect me with their opinions of me.
and at the end of the day, i still have to walk out of this myself.
or at the end of the day, i actually realise i am actually nothing special, nothing great, nothing out of the ordinary, just a nobody, acting out or being a
Me.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:19 PM ~*~ |
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Tuesday, August 09, 2005
*grace hopefully this isnt like copying your last entry!!(the pics part)*
I come to realise one day that all wounds will heal, life goes on, time will continue pushing forwards.
And all it requires is just a little time...
I know one day I'll get over the past, one day I will cease to hurt even if our paths cross again.
And all it requires is time... One day I will come to realise I will still smile as happily, still smile like sunshine, laugh and shout in the wind.
And all it requires is time...
And all it took was a few reminders of the above pics to show me times of happiness, friends who have stood by me patiently and giving me all the time I need.
How slow I have come to realise this, yet slow and steady, and how far I have walked.
If the heavens have told you all I need was time, would you have waited?
But now smiling into the sun, walking proud, I look towards the light again and abandon the shadows of yesterday.
Oh how long we spent in torment and hurt, why not seek the sun for answers?
After all, the world was given light first of all creations.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 4:33 PM ~*~ |
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