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Saturday, September 23, 2006
Yesterday I did my first round of survey-interviews at Sembawang DRC. For those who dunno, I have undertaken the job of Student Research Assistant for my Social Work Dept at school in a bid to earn extra cash and to learn something new.
It was certainly an eye-opening experience to be the DRC/Prison as i got a glimpse of the place and the people in it which I normally would not be able to access under other circumstances. Although i did not get a chance to interact much with my interviewees as Sam did (reason being i am less vocal and one of the respondents was rather quiet), i did have a chance to get an insight of what they really want from society, the emotional needs that were neglected. I admit, the experience made me more fascinated about prison work. haha sam, maybe i'll join ya in CNB one day.
I next went to a Christian female halfway house to conduct another survey-interview. The environment there was less dreary and in fact resembles somewhat of a nursing home in the midst of a quiet area. There were less restrictions there than at the DRC. When i reached there, the girls and ladies were sitting around immersed in craftwork and simple chores. i was brought to a nice drawing room by my interviewee and we had the survey done under relaxed conditions. After that, she even invited me to sample cookies they are making for a charity fair to raise funds for the Yellow Ribbon project.
It was a wonderful experience, of which i am willing to have a few more times, to gain even deeper insight into the operations there. Hope the uni gives me more projects to do! The people I interviewed were actually quite nice people. They had just taken a wrong step on their route and they are motivated to do good as long as soc'y gives them a chance. and actually, they just simply needed someone to understand the kind of predicament they are in.
After the interviews, i met flo babe at Bugis and we had a long-awaited good ol' outing tger.. sorry babe, u always had to accomodate to my erratic timings and i had to reject u so many times. Glad we met up! had Pastamania, then walked around. I saw a very nice top shop with tops i liked but the stoopid salesgirl refused to let me try. "sorry free size cannot try" what the hell. how am i sposed to know if it is nice if i dun try, and its not like their tops were v cheap either. i hope they lose customers. bleargh.
wad hv i been doin in the past week?
-watched Forbidden City with feng! oh man it was beautiful. Despite the fact that i dint realise the circle seats i bought were like damn high (on the topmost balcony), and i had jelly legs like 2/3 of the time, it was still Beau.ti.ful. Kit Chan was a wonder, her lark-like voice carried strong and true through the emotions of Empress Cixi, and some of the songs even made me cry. Maybe the lyrics just sang out to my soul, i just cun stop the tears from falling for "Why Dream of Love?" and "I need him".
-met grace dear... the girl never fails to soothe my tumultous emotions everytime i see her. we watched "The Banquet", which i had to say was rather slow-moving and boring, and hung out a bit. babe... just being with ya lifted my spirits loads, so dun worry that i wun tell ya if i really do have probs or sth on my mind k? hugs.. thanks for always being there.
-RC meeting cum late night dinner with Sam and Von... my new Social Work hang-out buddies!! It was a beautiful night of sharing for us 3, as we shared our stories over fries and McWings and iced tea. It was certainly a blessing i met these two babes in Sw2105 tutorial.. hope our camarderie will continue through our yrs of groaning over social work processes and all the itties-gritties.
ahhh.. another fun-filled week with no studying accomplished. i see grace babe wagging her finger at me. Seriously though, i need to focus on my studies at hand.
after the sw2101 term paper, ccc meeting, and more prison interviews....
Shu Ling Estrella @ 12:54 AM ~*~ |
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Wednesday, September 20, 2006
These days, I have been staring into empty space for a minute too long and wondering when was the last time i have felt truly, from-the-pits-of-my-being, happy.
It seems as if days have settled into a kind of hum-drum routine. school, work, meetings-up with different frenz, making new frenz, meeting family members for dinners and outings. at home-tv, eating takeaway pkts, surfing the net, organising my endless pile of notes.
Everything is so peaceful.. and i love the peace. and yet, there's sth vital missing---and i have been contemplating wad is missing?--life?
there is a set routine is everything i do--to the point i have forgotten the adrenaline of excitement and the rush of thrill. i meet situations halfway, hold out the hand that is needed, open the ear that is needed, do the work that is required, eat and drink as my body required, but sth is drastically missing.
It was when i start to realise that I am daydreaming far more than usual that i realise my soul is crying out for more. I was taking my usual train home today, toting my heavy crumpler, and staring at the empty, seemingly harmless tracks and pondering what it would be like to just jump on the tracks and cross to the other side of the middle platform, just to see if there is really a high voltage of electricity as forewarned (and cos there are fewer passengers standing on the other end and i do not have to squeeze in to get a seat). It was then i realised that sth vital has been missing these days.
I listened to the fascinating stories of the lives of ppl ard me, and my life is made up of these ppl's beautiful stories. i revel in them with them, held some of their hands through their stories, and realise i dun have a story to call my own.
my soul is starved.
yet i know well it is not of love. or friendship, of which i have been richly blessed in. not love, as some of yall may suspect, cos in recent times, i have started to think of my own wants selfishly, of what i need. and truth be told, it is just too bad i am not lesbian, else i would be more happily in love. and yet the guys i see or pass me by irritate me, no matter how much eye candy i find amongst them. ultimately, i think i have grown accustomed to my loneliness, solitude. I have even began to understand why xiao long nu did not want to leave the Old Tomb and would rather spend her days in solitude from the world. actually, i may selfishly have cravings of the flesh, but no fantasy of a companion staying forever true to me any longer.
The restless dreams left my body even more tired, and i try to wake up each day and remember what i am grateful for, when in truth, they are slipping past my fingers soon like grains of sand.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 10:35 PM ~*~ |
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Sunday, September 10, 2006
sometimes i really wonder at how much i have grown. or not.
there are times when i think i can handle my emotions so much better. and that i can provide emotional support to the people around me; let them lean on me, provide the listening ear they hear. and in truth, ever since i moved out, my relationship with my family, esp my sisters, have actually been better. i listened to them more, and they opened up to me more. and though i have my own biases and judgements, i try to und wher my 2nd sis is coming from at times and what insecurities and dreams my 3rd sis has.
and then there are times i have to really really overcome my own emotions so as not to launch them suddenly and take someone by surprise at the destruction my turbulent emotions stimes can cause.
and then there are the times when meeting some people or hearing from people of the past bring such overwhelming emotions that i'm easily pulled back into the sinking depths of memory lane and trapped in the intense emotions i once felt. being too sentimental, it is far too easy for me to relive the really good and really bad moments of the past; my closeness with some people, the loss of friendships and the innocently happy and at-times naive me. and then i would start thinking; actually maybe i am still naive. in so many ways.
grace told me that day in a sense, my physical self has changed but maybe not much inside. and i act would like to think i have changed somewhat inside. but then again, why did i want people to think i have changed? so that i think i mite have become more mature and so forth? and in this sense, does change=maturity?
then again, when i re-thought upon what she said, it is quite true. although i deny myself alot of things now in building a defensive barrier around myself, it does not mean that what i want has changed that much. in fact, what i want is still pretty much the same. deep down. it is just that i have tried to make my own adjustments to what i want in falling in step with the reality of the world.
and then whenever each pocket of memories got unlocked and i reminisce, i cun help crying when the emotions got really intense.
I still remember a night when i laid in bed, and i got so overwhelmed by the thoughts racing through my tired mind, the tears started falling. they weren't even tears of self-grief, more for a memory that has passed me by. i remember lying there and relishing the free-flowing tears, because i have not cried for a long time, and surprisingly, this wave of tears really felt good. i thought back to the times when i had no control over my emotions and cried as and when the tears hit. i remember how in my healing process, i started gaining more control over my emotions and stopped myself from tearing too easily, thinking that it is a childish act to cry upon provocation. that night, i remember that in retrospect, crying has actually been a very cleansing process for me. it drains out each pocket of my emotions and left me to start afresh. as my tears flowed that night, i remembered all these, and my tears became tears of happy grief. and for once, instead of swiping my arm in anger against the uncontrolled tears, i let them flow till they stopped naturally. and i slept better.
next time i wun be so ashamed of my tears. i just only wish that people around me wun turn away when i cry cos i need to. all in all, actually all i need is a hug ok? just that. a hug. so gimme a no-questions-asked, cos-i-love-u hug wun u? i'm that simple to understand after all.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 5:00 PM ~*~ |
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