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Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Visuality
Once upon a time, a very beautiful and kind-hearted girl named Cinderella lived with her stepmother and two ugly stepsisters. They were jealous of Cinderella's beauty and mistreated her badly, making her do all the housework in the house in a bid to make her ugly. One day, the prince discovered the beautiful Cinderella and fell in love with her and brought her to his palace to live happily ever after. The two ugly stepsisters got nothing in the end as they were jealous and mean to Cinderella.
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I was just thinking about the general superficiality of humans whilst i had my first tutorial in social work today--we were sposed to be analysing our group members on whether they are visual, kinesthetic or auditory people. To put it in layman's terms, we were sposed to analyse if these people are mostly inclined towards the physical images in looking at things and people, or rely more on physical actions and sensations, or rely on the tone and nuances in a person's speech. As my group was discussing and analysing this, we started debating on the topic that actually humans are mostly visual, whether they admit it or not. People are always more inclined to beautiful things and people. We find pleasure in the company of good-looking people, and in a room of unknown strangers, our eyes would tend to roam, seeking out the people most pleasing to our eyes, usually suave, or cute and pretty, or who we claim to be charismatic people. I remember in a Literature feminism course I had taken before, my lecturer pointed this out to us before, using the examples of fairytales to illustrate this point. In fairytales, the beautiful princess always get the happy ending whereas the ugly and jealous stepsisters, stepmother or witch get bad endings, and the lecturer pointed out to us that the mean-hearted people are usually the ugly ones, despite their resourcefulness and hard work to try to earn their rewards. It appears that the classic exemplary female must appear to be weak and helpless, and wait for their prince to rescue them, whilst resourcefulness in a female is deemed to be bad and to be punished. A woman should never appear more resourceful than a man, else she is deemed to be ugly and mean-hearted.
My point here is, no matter at what stage of our life, we may claim to have grown up, and that beauty is skin-deep and all, but really how true is that? Why are there still reports and articles of distressed people who poured their feelings of frustration over their inability to get jobs because they are told outright that they are overweight, not pretty enough, etc? and the worst is, females usually had it harder. it is almost as if females are bound to suffer under the curse of having to be pretty or face a relentless unforgiving soc'y. Why else would females always have to be the ones upkeeping their physical images under the fairy-princess stereotype? Even in the classic tale of Hunchback of Notre-Dame, the ugly hunchback received pity from the beautiful gypsy, Esmerelda, but since when have you seen pity being shown to witches and stepsisters in Cinderella and Snow White..
Even as we were doing the analysis today, i was watching me group members, and realise that the guys tend to gravitate towards a very spunky-and-pretty-enough girl in my group, hanging on to what she says ( and i must say she has some very interesting experiences) and asking her questions, even hanging on to talk to her after class. And then later on, when I was walking with this girl and her friend, we started talking about who is the cutest guy in the tutorial class. hmmm. even in my previous job experiences, I remember a guy colleague who told me very honestly that no matter what a guy says, he would always be a physical and visual creature. If he tells you that an okay-looking or ugly girl is not ugly, or not bad, he is lying to you or pretending to be nice. I was thinking what a jerk statement was that at that point in time, but in time, through more observations, i start to realise the truth in such a statement. Even a girl who we anaylsed to be visual today told me very honestly that she is indeed a visual person, and she does care if her other half is cute or not. There is nothing to be blamed in these 2 people, because as time goes by, i start to realise that they are just being more honest than the ordinary crowd in pointing this universal fact out.
i remember how in the past, when I went on crash diets, intensive exercise programs and pills in a bid to get the ideal slim figure, how my friends got angry and worried for me. there were a couple who understood why I did what i did, but many were worried for my health, and indeed I was very touched and chastised by their concern and in time, when my body started to suffer the after-effects of my mistreatment of it, i started to realise and appreciate why my friends were so worried, and try to love myself more, and yet, there is still that innate desire in me to want to get just that bit slimmer, to look nice for once and to be able to buy and wear pretty clothes that I never was able to wear before.
i know now how the world is trying to do away with the image of "Twiggy"-ness, the ideal stick-thin model of girls and trying to celebrate the lush curves of a female. But unless you have the out-of-the-world, spunky and cute attitude of Bridget Jones, Samsoon or Oprah, how are you gonna be able to fit into the world? and the above mentioned people werent even all that fat. Yeah, they looked abit plump, but they dun really have tummies that were sticking out or super flabby bye-bye arms or elephant thighs. If you are a pimply, obese, quiet and weird gal, can u find a place in this society, no matter how much God loves u? I remembered related incidents of how ugly fat or who the-whole-school/class-deems-to-be-weird kids are always the subject of taunting and bullying... and how the belle of the class always received much attention and presents jus cos she's pretty. thats as blatant as visuality can go i guess. Even when our ways in showing this become more refined as we grow up, the underlying msg still exists.
And even if the average nice guy says he dun mind a girl who dun look pretty enough, the girl still has to fall under the slim, fragile, needs-to-be-protected, sweet-looking classic female category even if she is a plain jane. Ok maybe I am really being cynical, but it's because I really haven't met s1 who told me he actually likes lush curves on a female.
I am starting to sound indignant i think, when i shun be. Actually i dun deny that I fall under this category myself. Why would I always being toking about eye candy eh? there is no such thing as eye shit rite? sighz... maybe I should just ponder more on this and read up more on this phenomenon.. why are humans born physical creatures? then I'll have a better take on this.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 9:24 PM ~*~ |
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Saturday, August 19, 2006
back to student-dom
it's been a week since I got back to school, and let's see, hmmm... all i can say, i'm happy going back to becoming a student again. :)
happy to trudge the roads of studenthood, wearing my casual wear and toting my bag of lect notes and 'CAMPUS' note organizer and colourful pencilbox, and to fill my sticker-bound daily organizer with my timetable, notes to download, texts to buy and homework to do. ahhhh... seriously, nothing beats the feeling of being a student. i remember how the younger us in p sch and sec sch long for each booooring school day to end, and yet now, maybe it's cos it's my final year(in a long time to come), i'm trying to hold on and treasure every last minute of school-life. yeah, call me a geek, but i love school for its lessons-attending and notes-taking.
And it could be that for the first time in my life, i really really feel like i like what i am doing, that what i am doing is something substantial, not like in the past when i took my Sociology modules, all you need is a mouth filled with crap to whiz through the module, and where lectures and tutorials are taken in such a slack manner it doesnt matter whether you attend the lessons as long as you can manage to crap your way through the term and final papers. Or maybe the teaching style is too americanish for me to like it or appreciate it much. Granted, NUS has one of the best sociology departments, or so they say, but maybe i am just not cut out for that style of learning. i need concreticity i think.
That being said, I am starting to appreciate the beauty of knowledge, how knowledge can be so interrelated, and how it is just waiting for you to uncover all the little secrets it contains, and it's like a never-ending discovery fest. i am no whiz-kid, and there are times i may doze over my notes too, but the appreciation of garnering knowledge still appeals greatly to me. For instance, my social work lecturer was showing us a video i watched for my Sociology module, Sexuality in Comparative Perspective, last sem, and asking us to discuss it in the context of social work values in our first tutorial. 2 disciplines of studies embedded in one socio-documentary. ok i sound silly but i am intrigued ok? i love it. and I can't wait for the tutorial to start for that module so we can discuss it.
There are times i still feel inclined to drift off and wander off into my own little dreamworld and procrastinate, but yeah, i think i'm just gonna do fine this sem. i love my student-life, i love what i am doing now, what can go wrong? (or maybe i shun say too early)
Only thing is, there are no familiar faces when i sit in my lectures, or walk the walkways of NUS. No one really to smile and say hi to. Actually, in the past, i dint even have that many frenz in my Sociology and Literature modules. Not that many acquaintances. For one, Sociology has one of the largest cohorts amongst the ARTS students, and the Lit crowd is just a tad too weird and lost in their world, so i normally just stick to cat and syl. But then, there were still familiar faces. Now, the social work classes are filled with young, eager, unknown faces, year 1s rising into year 2s, the gals at least 2 yrs younger than me and the guys the same age but still unfamiliar faces. After all, my decision to take up social work was made only last sem, and the modules i'm taking are the basic modules for social work. Besides, given the year I matriculated into NUS, i should have been in 4th year now if i had cont'd my academic studies, but for the series of events last year. The ones from my year are those taking honours now, and they take very out-of-the-curriculum classes for that i think. Hence, this situation. I am supposed to be a 3rd-year-yet-not-a-3rd-year-student taking 2nd year modules. Bleargh. luckily i have the modules to explore to anchor my otherwise kind-of confused student state.
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Lessons being done, let's see what and who I have done and met this week:
*Darlin' grace! yeah the babe is back, and she brought me gifts!! a super soft and beautiful shawl and an intricate incense-holder. ahhh dear, u never fail to know what i like best:) and babe, i may not have always been talking to you since u have been back, but just wanna ya to know i'm here whenever u need to tok or just to get over the confusion of things k? we dint tok much that few snatched hours tt day, but we'll tok more soon yeah? and pls pls take the time to settle down, most imptly ur emotions. and i dunno how many times i say this, but PLS PLS rest more k? i'll see ya on sunday soon again..
grace was mentioning abt appreciation on her blog, and it just struck me, one of the happier times i had overseas this Jun vacation of mine (of whh i still owed my dear frens the pics.. i think they gave up on me oredi.. heh) is that i actually felt i could just live healthier and happier there, despite the rush in our time schedules. and surprisingly that was in China, whh is sposed to be less clean and hygenic than Spore, but i actually loved all the walking i did there. Just walking from point A to point B, letting the scenery pass u by, even a simple walk across a few streets made my step just that bit skippier, and of cos, there's all that benefits of walking. but most imptly, it was the pace that made me appreciate of the finer points of life. We could just walk on and on and never really feel tired, and there's so much to see and do. and even just sinking into the beauty of the scenery ard me made me realise how little this is appreciated in Spore. perhaps, walking in spore could lose its interest as we have so many handy public transports on hand. there is a bus stop every 200 metres, a dial on ur HP and a cab comes to your doorstep faster than you can say 'Taxi!'. The inaccessiblity of places in China by transport made me appreciate the joys a long walk can bring. and till now, i haven't been able to recover the beauty of it in Spore.
*sha and debi and zheyan: i'm so glad we are making the effort to keep in touch. met sha and zheyan for dinner at raffles place on zheyan's last nite of work. met debi and zheyan at their school for lunch, and then accompanied them on a trip round Spore(just kidding heh). cut and bleached hair with them (ok guys pls dun get a shock when yall see my hair again k?). met zheyan(again) today to go gym and then met up with debi(again) tger later to go for a job interview which lasted 2 hrs and then dinner at LJS. by the time i got home, it was nearing 12 midnight and my cousin had phoned up almost the entire world, nearly going to the cops, cos she tot i was kidnapped. ERMM. it's cos my HP died-ed on me midway thru school today and she smsed me in the evening and i dint reply cos i dint even know. ERMM. ok la.. so it was really a slight on my part. Anw i gave her a list of my frens' numbers so in future if any of u guys receives a call, ermm, it's most prob my HP died-ed and i cun get back to my cousin.
*ruth and jy over the weekend: my first fireworks display in the flesh!! oooh, it was a wonderful display and tho we dint get to see it upfront in the waterfront of Esplanade, i still managed to get a good view and had a couple of videos i wanna share with yall but i dunno where to upload. maybe the computer geniuses could offer me some ideas.
A Couple of my better shots on the fireworks display:
ruth & me.,, Jy dun want to take pic..:(
Shu Ling Estrella @ 1:29 AM ~*~ |
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Friday, August 11, 2006
I kind of chanced upon my blogs of 3 years back.. a blog i kept for good friends then and a blog which only my ex-best friend and i knew. came across them cos blogger got me to change some password-thgie and i haven't blogged there since 3 years back. ah... memories. I read a couple of entries then and really missed my old self. the carefree, more innocent, simplistically happier me. never questions much, believing in the rainbows and sunshines of the world without question. God, i really miss me in those days.
Anyway this has been kind of a whirlwind kind of week. I left my OCBC job on Sunday. hmmm abit sad still though I should have enough experience from this kinda temp job to know i shun be attached, but i am. i guess it's cos this time, had really grown attached to most of the temp staff. And despite promises of keeping in touch etc, I still have that little niggling fear that somehow, without that job-thgie in common, along the way, we are gonna lose touch. sighz. this is always what happened when i let myself grow attached to some thgs or let a bond grow. NO. i shall not let these tots overcome me. we can do it i know. I just need to try to keep everyone in touch somehow. after that, it's up to God and the course that nature runs. heh.
Let's see some photos of my colleagues haha in my last week of work:
actually only got shuhui and sharon hahaha.. cos the rest i took below liaoz.
L-R: Shuhui, our fairest girl of the bunch. very fair and beautiful skin lorz..
Sharon, my best hang-out buddy. through same shifts and everything, gained a friend and confidante in her. prettiest of the lot too:)
KTV no. dunno-which-number outing. it seems like we are always going for KTV for our outings haha.. and here we have...
L-R: Zheyan and Jane: our most KTV-most-compatible couple!!!! haha they did such a fantastic rendition of "Coral Sea" by Jay & Lara.. the best i ever heard!!
Then we have funny-gal Debi and Shuhui!!!
Back to my cousin's place for a mahjong session!! it was a last-minute thgie suggested by the KTV peeps, and therefore by the time we moved the mahjong table and set from my parents' place to my cousin's, we barely had 2 hours to play. and here are some parting shots!!!
L-R: Sweet Jane, Humorous Debi, Fair Shuhui and errr.. Sensitive-like-a-gal Zheyan?(hahaahha)
Mahjong round 2 at my place again! my place is becoming a gambling den.. haha kidding. with kok chuan, sha, shuhui and debi this time. had swim with debi and sha in morn at YCK complex. then lunch and shopping with debi later in the noon. and then back to my place for mahjong!! now if only i can once get everyone on an outing together...
L-R: sha babe and me!! kok chuan and me!
In the midst of all these bonding sessions with the OCBC bunch, i met up with syl babe and cat dear as well!!! they actually came down to my workplace to meet for dinner.. so sweet rite?? and we had an unbelievably cosy time at the TCC cafe opp the building i worked at. ok it was like so nice and comfy and cosy we dint want leave at all. Just look at the pics...
syl babe got so excited over the fountains we came across while debating over a place for dinner. she was like "we MUZ take a pic!! so nice!!" in her tt infectious, excited voice haha.. so here are a couple of them.
Just get a load of THAT!!!! a super-nice pic cat took of her mango-and-chicken sandwich with chips. i can't take so nice and pro pics. but doesnt that jus make ya hungry????
Here's our heavenly dinner-place.. ooh, i tell u, the whole second level was designed in this manner.. soft lighting, smooth wooden flooring, cushions and low tables strewn over the place, timeless art pieces to catch the eye... siggggghz.. bliss. jus wanna cuddle down into my cushion seat and never leave.. and i had the most wonderful time with my two dearest frenz.. still remembered the times when we used to lunch in school after our lect and we wud sit at a bench and chat for hours over Coffee Club Express coffee and sandwiches.. how cat and syl used to crack me up over their jokes and their renditions of the little titbits of their lives.. syl with her dramatic renditions in a perfectly innocent voice and cat with her imitations. despite my 2 dearest babes getting attached, really glad they made the time to come down and arrange to meet lorz.. and i was brought back into those times of fun and laughter.. hearing syl tellin me her stories in that funny manner again, cat's imitations, their narrating of their unfortunate teaching episodes and their love lives.. they make me laugh till i cry like no other. serious. thanks babes:):):) yall shd thk of a professional career in storytelling!! heh.
so That marks my 2 weeks before sch begins again. and i'm having a hectic week this week again. Over the NUS modules. can u believe they actually can just change their pre-requisites for some modules and dun tell u. waste all my early planning and now i have to spend more time trying to appeal and re-organize my timetable again. and then there's the 3-day teaching tuition to my nephew who basically nearly mutilated my soft toys in his boredom..
and it's back to school next week to deal with my modules.
let's see what else i have on my agenda... life's been more busy lately and i'm actually happier..
Tmr: meeting flo dear for early-celeb of her bday!! lunch and pedi and shoppin!!!
meeting mum and sisters to treat them to dinner at Marriott. It really feels good to have money whh u earned to treat your family with. this feeling beats no other.
grace is coming back!! ring me soon babe!! really have missed you in this month or so.
saturday: gathering with jane and jiaying and ruth!!! watch fireworks at one-fullerton!!
sunday: tuition(again).
monday: lunch with sha or maybe, probably, dinner with both sha and zheyan!!
tuesday: school sucky school.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 12:23 AM ~*~ |
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Tuesday, August 01, 2006
mini-bday celebration pics(belated)
a mini bday celebration with family with chilli crabs and chocolate cake in our super dressed down state...
ying and me... no feng.. nv take any single shots with feng:(
 family shots.. the blurry one is taken by papa, who dunno how to use a digicam;)
 me blow candles and cut cake. oooh.. i look like a boy with head bent.
 retiring to our various activities after cake is cut. papa watching his teochew opera. ying and me watching "Qiang Wei Zhi Lian" in the room.
 mum and feng pose for camera...yummy!!
Shu Ling Estrella @ 4:50 PM ~*~ |
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kinda settled into a state where my body becomes used to the long working hours and little sleep.. in fact i find it easier to sink into sleep cos i'm so tired.. unlike times when I have to read my novel late till i finally feel the sleep angels dusting magic dust into my eyes.. or lying awake on my bed staring at the ceiling listening to the music drifting from my speakers till i feel sleep overcome me.. yep, work does alot of good for my sleep.
this is gonna be my last week of work.. and in more ways than one, i guess i'm gonna miss it, and yet be glad i'm leaving soon.
definitely gonna miss some of my colleagues, the new friends i have made.. there are some upcoming plans made with them, such as exercise plans, volunteer work, some meet-ups.. and i do hope they'll carry through. i have some experience in my past jobs where i lose contact with colleagues on the job after a while, but somehow i still wish that this will not be a repeat. i guess my faith still holds strong where friendships are concerned.
glad to be leaving soon cos the job just suxed.. the people mainly, as in the perm staff. the nature of the job. the office politics. it seems that this is unavoidable everytime we are squeezed into this constricted space of area and made to face each other, deal with each other. people are unable to see far, open up their minds. their hearts jus become narrower, the tolerance level decreases and the office politics come into play. and then i will wanna open up a window or run to the toilet or stand on top of a mountaintop and scream it all out. and yet the frustrattions and anger and tears have to stay inside, burning like a volcano. i HATE it. i dun wanna be a player in this. i wanna be happie ol' ling..
i have enough experience in me to know that this kind of politics always exists.. but yet i always hope, pray for something different. and yet i am always disappointed. always disappointed to find that people would rather engage in their little manipulative power games and aim daggers and arrows into people when their backs are turned. always disappointed to find that i cannot find a genuine smile in the office. in any case, i realise this isn't the kind of work i want. I want a workplace which is painted in sassy pink and baby blue. where the people can choose to stencil, paint or draw on the walls.. where everyone is allowed to wear what they want. i want a big big working place where there is no structure. where the desks dun come in one colour, one design. i want a place where the people choose their own desks and chairs and make their little home in the office with their soft toys and flowers and display pieces. i want cookie jars, chocolate jars and sweet jars to be placed all over the office, with signs saying "Eat, You are NOT fat". Most of all, i want genuine smiles to fill the office. dun want deadlines, competition, rewards nor punishments.
and i know i'm dreaming.. haha.. or maybe even being naive.
anyway wads been up? more meet-ups.. dearie cat!!! a long long talk over coffee and dinner... jiaying and ruth!! good ol' hawker food at AMK.. flo!!! dinner with fantastic service at Fish & Co at Bugis, and then a walk through the quaint shops of Bugis Street.. KTV with colleagues!! two weeks in a row some more..
and urgh, i have been diagnosed with gastritis again, on the last visit to the hospital-gastric in short. when i have been eating like a pig??
sigh.. i guess i deserve it. deserved all this stomach trouble. i mistreated it. in my own depression and worry over my looks and all. i starved it and subjected it to pills myself.. so well, i have no one to blame but myself now. for all the shit i'm going through for it. all the discomfort. bloatedness. the horrid endoscopies and the discomfort of having a tube pushed down your throat and your stomach gurgling with air. i deserved it all, and even with regrets now, i jus have to stomach (no pun intended) all this pain and discomfort.
and yet i still pray that God will give me another chance. the chance to see that i am trying to love myself more now and that i am sorry i mistreated the body He gave me.
ok lets take away all this stewpid grumblings and see if i can upload the photos i promised in the last post.
cat, leon and me in a catch-up session at Ajisen Ramen
KTV with OCBC colleagues at KBox Suntec. Singing was good but the service sux and we are probably blacklisted as my colleague said cos we had 2 managers chase us out on our last session! haha
At work...
 zijia and debi on the line...
 zheyan caught by surprise...
 ling "shan kai" from a shot...
 my work area.. we dun have a fixed one.. haha thats mine for that day...
 my stuff.. i always bring alot of stuff around..
Shu Ling Estrella @ 2:26 PM ~*~ |
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