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Thursday, March 29, 2007
The Phantom of the Opera
Things hasn't really been looking up.. especially with the onset of project deadlines and presentations.. I been losing my temper on more than one occasion due to the buildup of stress, causing some tension and friction with a couple of family members.. and coping with an Internet-less home for almost a week.. which means i have to lug my 2.7kg iBook to school almost everyday to school everyday to check my emails and project stuff.. plus the confusions..sighz.. i only wish i can find my answers soon.
And i went to watch The Phantom of the Opera musical on Sunday with my sis, feng.
L-R: feng & me outside the theatre awaiting for our Circle Door to be opened, pose in front of a giant poster of the musical, the insanely expensive but extremely beautiful programme which cost me 25bucks!
Honestly i wasn't as impressed with the musical.. maybe cos my expectations are very high for the musical, it being an internationally-acclaimed masterpiece and Broadway's longest-running production and the most-watched musical across the world and so forth... Having watched the movie version of "The Phantom of the Opera" in 2004, i expected much more out of the musical.. but was somewhat disappointed. Maybe it just takes alot to impress me now.. But the musical was all-in-all rather rushed through, the atmosphere wasn't adequately built-up to showcase the main characters-namely Christine and the Phantom's emotions. I suspected it had to do with the rather small stage Esplanade had to offer. At a point in time, i felt the stage was getting too crowded with too many cast members, the atmosphere was just not there.
However, i applaud them for the fantastic stage props and visual and sound effects.. It was certainly haunting to hear the Phantom's voice echo through the theatre.. However the stage is really too small to showcase the spectacular stage props the production had to offer.
Nonetheless, I was still moved by the beautiful songs of "All I Ask Of You" and "The Point of No Return", and the tears spilled when Christine kissed the Phantom and the Phantom sat alone in his underground home singing to his strange musical box of a monkey clapping a pair of cymbals in the last scene.
Phantom Of The Opera - "All I Ask Of You"
No more talk of darkness,
forget these wide-eyed fears;
I'm here, nothing can harm you,
my words will warm and calm you.
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears;
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you.
Christine
Say you'll love me ev'ry waking moment;
turn my head with talk of summertime.
Say you need me with you now and always;
promise me that all you say is true,
that's all I ask of you.
Raoul
Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light;
you're safe, no one will find you,
your fears are far behind you.
Christine
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night;
and you, always beside me,
to hold me and to hide me.
Raoul
Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;
let me lead you from you solitude.
Say you need me with you, here beside you,
anywhere you go, let me go too,
that's all I ask of you.
Christine
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.
Say the word and I will follow you.
Together
Share each day with me, each night, each morning.
Christine
Say you love me...
Raoul
You know I do.
Together
Love me, that's all I ask of you.
Anywhere you go let me go too
Love me...
that's all I ask of you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Phantom Of The Opera - "The Point Of No Return"
(Phantom)
You have come here
in pursuit of
your deepest urge,
in pursuit of
that wish,
which till now
has been silent,
silent . . .
I have brought you,
that our passions
may fuse and merge -
in your mind
you've already
succumbed to me
dropped all defences
completely succumbed to me -
now you are here with me:
no second thoughts,
you've decided,
decided . . .
Past the point of no return -
no backward glances:
our games of make belive
are at an end . . .
Past all thought of "if" or "when" -
no use resisting:
abandon thought,
and let the dream descend . . .
What raging fireshall flood the soul?
What rich desire unlocks its door?
What sweet seduction lies before us . . .?
Past the point of no return,
the final threshold, what warm,
unspoken secrets will we learn?
Beyond the point
of no return . . .
(CHRISTINE)
You have brought me to that moment
where words run dry, to that moment
where speech disappears into silence,
silence . . .
I have come here, hardly knowing
the reason why . . .
In my mind, I've already
imagined our bodies entwining
defenceless and silent -
and now I am here with you:
no second thoughts, I've decided,
decided . . .
Past the point of no return
no going back now:
our passion-play has now, at last,
begun . . .
Past all thought of right or wrong -
one final question:
how long should we two wait, before
we're one . . .?
When will the blood begin to race
the sleeping bud burst into bloom?
When will the flames, at last, consume
us . . .?
BOTH
Past the point of no return
the final threshold, the bridge
is crossed, so stand and watch it burn . . .
Shu Ling Estrella @ 1:11 AM ~*~ |
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Thursday, March 22, 2007
I haven't really been myself these few days.. else i wun be keeping late hours, either talking to my friends online or face-to-face.. blindly accepting wadever-it-is i have to do for project work when my tutorial mates, which means stimes i get the shittier part of the work and roles in presentations.. tired, freaking headache, perpetual feeling of like my body and heart is gonna collapse anytime soon. and this is coming from someone who needs sleep more than anything or else my body just won't operate...
haiz.. when is this gonna end? the last time i felt like this was 5 years ago.. and it was the only time i'm gonna be like this, i sworn then. a weak ling is just not going to work.
it hurts.. it's a perpetual itch.. tts all i can describe.. lucky the tears hasn't really come yet.
Hey, You-Up-There, gimme some strength to get on will ya? Keep my mind occupied with anything! anything else... gimme a 1000 essays to do.. or or.. i can't think of anthing else at the moment. haiz. Surely You can't be enjoying the sadistic pleasure of seeing the rest of us normal beings suffering from what You claimed to be the greatest thing in the world right? gracie is so gonna disown me. i'm doing this to my body again. and my other friends... haiz.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:57 AM ~*~ |
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Wednesday, March 14, 2007
a confusing night of epiphany
had a conversation lasting 7 hours yest with S. hmmm... for the first time in my life, someone told me straight to my face the facades i have been hiding behind, how i am an escapist in every way of my life. hmmm. it was cold harsh facts dished out, no bars with-held. it basically negated the past 23 years of my life. hmmm. i am still trying to process my thoughts from the conversation, but ironically enuff, i am thankful to her for telling me stuff about myself so directly. Maybe right now i am still a drifter, having never found my true identity. Still easily impressionable by what others say to me. STILL trying to search for the elusive identity--or is escapism my true self? hmmm.
what i can say of now is, i will still be silly, bad-tempered, defensive, easily hurt and broken, definitely easily impressionable, think i'm very mature when i'm not sure if i am, act strong when i'm weak inside, and vice versa.
hmmm.. basically what i am trying to say is, maybe i really really got to really accept myself for myself. instead of pretending to care when i don't. or don't care when i do. instead of putting on a bravado front when i just wanna let flow.
There are stuff that maybe i feel S shun have said. or times when she said her piece and i felt it was deliberately hurting. or times when i felt she just enjoyed being dominant. times when i felt she would always think she is right, even if some of the stuff she said i felt was wrong. Times when i felt why couldn't i just sink back into my comfort zone. But then what she has said has truly shaken my world, like once in my life. instead of sugar-coated chatising, tenderness-covered criticisms, well-meant as they might be. Maybe i have been sheltered for my entire life, wanting and demanding too much attention, though not always getting, but still, my darlin' friends have given me the TLC i needed at times. In a way, i wondered, is it That-One-Above's gift to me---S acting as my conscience? cos i let my conscience be smothered even by my self-pity and defence mechanisms?
hmmm alot of questions definitely. I really dun want to think i have been living my past 23 years in vain. But S, thanks. u have given me the long-awaitened wake-up call, no bars held.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 12:59 PM ~*~ |
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Saturday, March 03, 2007
a lost me...
Lately.. even as the flurry of activities died down to just academic work and frequent meetings with a couple of friends, i had more time to think or rather talk to people (namely, samantha) like yesterday.
There are times i really enjoy hearing feedback from my friends about myself, because they give me insights and at times, how to become a better myself.
But then there are times i realise there are just parts of my character that still remain with me till today, that i can't eradicate. And these are parts of my character (namely, my sudden bursts of temper that just shock or isolate people from me) that i find difficult/not knowing how to improve, and in this sense, do i continue to be myself (keeping this temper as it's my only outlet of venting) or try to eradicate this temper that has already cost me many friendships, especially trust?
I remember one incident when i felt so insecure within myself i asked flo, would u abandon me because one day, out of no reason at all, i blow up at you? and i remember she said no. because she remains one of the few friends who hasn't really seen that side of me yet. and though i take comfort in that statement, i still try my best to hide that side from these friends in fear of the consequences. Considering i dun meet this group of people very often, it is certainly not difficult. It is only people who meet me on a more frequent basis that suffered the brunt of my infamous "temper bursts".
Let me describe to those who hadn't experienced this side of me, although i am probably only able to give a skeleton of it, and not the full prowess of it. My temper comes in short, cold bursts. Because i am generally seen by all my friends as friendly, accomodating and most importantly, good-tempered, they would never expect this side of me to exist. More than that, it is not just merely "i'm getting angry so fuck off". Why do i say they come in bursts? They come fast and furious and one moment i could change from a smiling phase to a 'icy-cold angry' phase back to a grinning phase and then to a 'fiery' phase and back to a sweet-tempered phase and back to a 'frustrated-yelling-at-you' phase. All these can happen in the same short span of time, and because i am so absorbed in how i'm feeling, i basically dint care what the impact is on you.
I have been told that when i have this temper, it is written all over my face, even though it seems like i am trying to hide it. i am clearly just "bu shuang" and wanna "fa xie" but it is boiling inside me, and i attempt to hide it to little success. This happens especially often during periods of high stress--such as exam periods or periods of handling events. This is when family and friends around me both suffer the brunt of it, and more than a few times, more than a few friends have told me that they feel it is the last straw they could tolerate from me, which then leads to a loss of trust from them which then leads to a loss of friendship in some cases.
This phenomenon is described as, i named it, "the-side-of-shuling-no-one-to-this-day-can-handle". Basically, what happens when I am like the above describes is, there will be a tumult of emotions in me churning, a million thoughts building up to negativity in me spinning, to a point that I want to burst but I feel, out of consideration to the others, I feel I should not burst. But it is only recently that i find that all those emotions will still be written all over my face and body language. I AM DAMNED BU SHUANG. My body language and face will say "I'm clearly upset so u guys better do something about it". if you guys just ask me superficial questions such as about the weather or whether i have eaten or the most common "am i ok?" or just ignore me for the most time, the emotions and thoughts will continue to build till my face looks ugly, and i'll be a pin away from bursting but i won't. I am sorry to say in this case, I won't directly come out to you like some people do and say "I am damn angry. don't come and provoke me further. why is everyone arrowing me?" followed by spurts of tears. No i won't do that. I would cry angrily inside, angry over tha fact that everyone is ignoring me out of fear or anger towards me for displaying this side of me or not knowing how to handle this side of me or not bothering enough about me to actually ask further. Let me tell you then, this is the BEST time to show me some TLC. Probe just a bit further beyond the superficial questions and, depending on the degree of supression i am already at in my emotions, I may just spill everything out. All you got to do is just to probe a bit further. But to this day, I think the only person who has really done it with a certain level of finesse and know how to probe in a manner without tearing me apart is catharine. There are some who probe but are already angry or shocked at my temper already anyway. There are some who scolded me for losing my temper at them as they don't feel they deserve it (but this isn't even a matter of whether u deserve it or not. it is a matter of my problem). There are a great majority who just don't bother and let me mull in boiling anger.
Actually i wonder the purpose of my post. Is it just to make myself see things clearer for myself, or is it just cos i want u guys to be mentally prepared? cos u might be the next 'victim' of my vindinctiveness. I dunno. In the past, i try so hard to be a good person and eager to please everyone that I won't even dare admit i have such a side of me. It is only of late that i am starting to think about these sides of my character which i try so hard to hide within my personality. Even though i don;t confess to be all-genuine and real, but at least i am facing up to myself? I don't know. But let me warn yall beforehand, this temper of mine has already lost me my best friend, my close friends, the trust of some close friends, some friends in general, shocked some speechless, earned angry criticisms, or more commonly, many just kept their distance. It is to this date, my greatest weakness and at the same time, my most vulnerable point. You just need to use this in any argument (as my sis has done on many occasions) with me and you would win the argument hands-down. Yet at the same time, it is my only outlet of venting frustrations. Or rather, i haven't found a better solution.
If you think I should change this trait of mine just so i won't suffer so much, then i would say, you haven't been reading my entry closely enough. Is criticisms and scoldings what i need for being this blatantly honest with yall? Truth be told, it hurts when a friend leaves just because s/he cannot handle my temper, or tell me i have lost her trust because of it. And therefore it is very easy for people to say, "U just have to change it then you won't lose them! U deserve all these unhappiness cos you know what is wrong and you just refuse to change! if you loved your friend enough, you would change!" Enough. Let me ask you then. Would you try to change a person you love/have a soft spot for? Especially knowing it is the one weak spot she struggles with/fight with everyday?
And this is why I have come to the conclusion that maybe I hadn't found the person who loves me to that extent. I have alot of people who love me or claim to love me or told me they could depend on me but no one who loved me that much. catharine once very long ago told me that actually what i needed in my life is someone, be it guy/girl, to treat me as their first priority. My JC days remain my happiest days cos of M. then. But then not even she had loved me enough to condone my greatest and most vulnerable weakness. So actually I don't think I have found that someone to love me to that extent. And actually, for once in my life, I think i deserve to have that someone.
I don't know what u guys are going to make of it, and truthfully, i think i should not care anymore, even though in my depths of hearts i might. But then, i have to learn to love myself more and protect myself from those who have hurt me. I hurt people true, but then they hurt me too. Either through unacceptance or rejection of my temper. Slowly and slowly, i think i may wanna morph into my cousin, totally independent of human beings. Many have come and gone in her life, and she had learned over the years to take it in stride. At the moment, whether you guys choose to think yall need to talk to me, or just leave me alone, it's really up to you. Cos, i really have to learn not to give a fucking damn about it.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 10:27 AM ~*~ |
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