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Saturday, September 17, 2005
let me walk away from reality...
oh life... what a hand u deal us at times..
you patted and you pampered, and you uproot and let us fall on our butts.
you reward and you praise, and you insult and make a mockery of us..
you guide us on the righteous path, and tempt and lure us into hell.
you make us laugh and sweeten our hearts with beautiful memories, and tease and taunt us with memories we have to let go of.
oh life, take a stand. don't torment me so... leave me out when i screamed 'halt', and leave me alone when i plead for rest.
oh life let amnesia overcome me... if it is the only way i can forget to remember those memories. erase all the mementoes, leave not a single scrap for me to hold on to and yearn for.
life, don't take away my happinesses so fast... let me learn to relish and cherish them better. and when i have savoured them, erase them from me so i won't yearn for them in times when i can hardly hold back my tears any longer.
life, if you must, let me keep the memories in a forgotten part of my soul. let me not unlock the key to the box repeatedly, and allow the memories to eat away at me.
life, heed my plea please..... at the moment, i think i still have enough willpower to restrain myself.. but only that bit more, that bit more.....
listening to Green Day's "Wake Me Up When September Ends", i wish to fall into a never-ending dreamless sleep forever and ever and ever...
"here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends"
Shu Ling Estrella @ 4:00 PM ~*~ |
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Wednesday, September 14, 2005
i'm wearing the same "ETERNITY" tee i got last year. typing on the same laptop i bought myself when i was a freshie. sitting at the familiar ole table that had belonged to me for the past 11 years. hugging the same bolster from childhood.
yet everythg feels so different. why, as we grow up, do thgs start to evolve around u before u even hv the time to catch your breath, blink ur eyes?
i hate this everchanging intangible inconstancy.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 1:50 AM ~*~ |
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Tuesday, September 13, 2005
"For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine.
Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
How often must it love, how often hate!
How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
Conceal, disdain — do all things but forget.
But let Heav'n seize it, all at once 'tis fir'd;
Not touch'd, but rapt; not waken'd, but inspir'd!
Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself — and you.
.....
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;"
Alexander Pope "Eloisa to Abelard"
actually i oso dunno why.. i dun feel the need nowadays to blog anymore. or the want to. bcos now my thots are fast and furiously charted in my mind, searing imprints tt i keep coming back at my own wish, and nowadays, the imprints seem to have grown so much and seared so much that i cant even keep track of each thought or memory anymore. so even wad u read here is prob'ly going to be the tip of the iceberg, or of shuling's mind anyway. of cos there was also the couple of wks or so of internetlessness in shuling's house, where i have succeeded in breakin down my comp, killing my line and frustratin my dad, my sis and myself over the modem-cum-router i have bought in order to enable more points of internet access at home(to accept internet access via my laptop too) so i can do my work better and watch my webcasts w'out hogging th PC at home. of cos, being a comp klutz, i succeeded in killing just abt all the techno-able stuff at home and running back and fro Singnet, the modem company and Dell, before reviving each of them one by one, with help of my sis, and the driving to the modem factory by dad, twice, to get the modem and CPU connected again. and with my own hands, i have even been able to gain wireless connection on my laptop and learn some stuff abt IP addresses and what-have-you. and i was sposed to be a tech-clueless gal. main thg i wanna brag abt is: i did it myself. MYSELF ok. unlike some spoilt brats who just have to whine to daddy to get that fixed. ok im being a lil mean here. but after all, i have to handle all the wiring myself, so i shd be given some space to brag rite? and i was the one who paid every single fucking cent for the god-damned modem-cum-router and have my dad whine at me for all the trouble with the internet connection, not the other way round. so i wanted convenience. but hell, it was for some god-damned peace at home too to minus the inevitable fights over the comp. anyway enough bitchin oredi. i have my internet access right where i want it and as long as it gives me no further problems, i'll be happy with it for now.
watching "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" for the third time, i still fail to grasp the storyline totally, yet it grips me more and more each time i watch it. a story that i fail to understand, yet feel connected to in the most absurd way, and now i actually have to analyse it on paper in 500 words. urgh. tt totally kills my movie.
i keep waking up at night in the past couple of weeks again. except for the times night safari tired me out with its routine frustrations, of whh i can fall into a dreamless sleep better, my thoughts have managed to finally translate themselves into detailed, dreamy illusions and fantasies in my unconscious and left me either suddenly waking up in cold sweat in the middle of the nite to a dark room all by myself, or waking up feeling more despaired and alone than ever. either way, it guarantees a state of dazedness, panda eyes, and a perpetually-struggling-to-keep-awake state for the rest of the day. tts why i hate to sleep on days i dun work, or basically hv nothing to do that day.. like no school, no activities.
ok there's work too, whh i have been seriously neglectin, after all the promises to do better for this final year. whh i really hv to keep reminding myself to upkeep. and an hour or two of just studying today and yest has convinced me that it is really the soothing therapy i need now to balm over the searing and numbing pains i dun want to think abt.
seeing is inevitable i guess, when i'm faced with what would send back more searing imprints. i hate travelling back in time, cos my memory is too photographic when it wants to be. even till today, i can close my eyes and tell you every single little detail of the house i spent my happy childhood in, and how i slept on a thin mattress every night against this wall that has an uneven protruding of cement from it, which looks like a knob that i can close my hand around, next to my aunty, breathing in her earthy scent, and wishing life would carry on like this.
there are times when i wish i wun fall so hard, even if my fallings-in are so short, so temporary. cos though its short, i fell too intensely, that i can remember each and every single detail too well too. it is only recently that memories of yesteryears have started to run together, with my willpower not to let myself think too much of, yet right now, memories of recent, that happened all too recently, are the ones tormenting me, disintegrating me slowly from inside.
humans can be so so disgustingly pathetic. i remember a line from my fave tv series, MARS, how this guy said,
"Human is just a useless mass of body moving lifelessly, not beautiful at all, no scrap of dignity at all........"
there are times i keep rewinding this statement, reading it over and over carefully, cherishing and relishing it in my heart, cos i cun help thinking how true it is. human is made to go through the mechanical processes of a life mapped out for him. the emotions that cross his life is what he claims to hold the dignity to his life, makes his existence worthwhile, or is it? do we paint a too-wonderful picture of this dignity of life? pui. pathetic.
i can only pray with time, with more willpower, that i can suppress these recent memories into nothingness, or at least blurred images, like i did with those of yesteryears. whatever it is, i just dun wish to be so emotionally tired anymore.
p.s. i'm finally gonna meet up with some much-needed-to-meet-up ppl again--cat, u...u... i oso dunno what to say. just this for now... hugs.. till thursday. grace, flo, syl, till we meet again for our chatty-chat, cant wait to see yall again, my dearest frens! leon and mariko, yall owe me a beeeeg, beeeeeeg meal.. like good sushi or authentic western coupled with haagen dazs, hahaha, plus the matchmaker's gift!!!wahahahah.. i'm gonna bleed yall dry.
and i love you so,
"my darling clementine,
my darling clementine,
my darling clementine....."
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:22 PM ~*~ |
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