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Sunday, February 25, 2007
Ol' feminist me...
This following entry was written for ol' me by Cat (she even disabled all comments on it to avoid nosy comments), and i gotten her permission to post it on my blog as a reminder to me of the beautiful people that exist in my life still.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
11:51 PM
I pray that God will make me more sympathetic. more empathetic. so that I will understand the loved who feel unloved, the blessed who feel unblessed. so that I will know what it means to cry for attention. affirmation.
so that I will not dismiss them but love them.
so that I know how to comfort, how to embrace, how to tell them they are precious. so that I can tell them the world's standards are lies.
that they are not worthless because they are fat and ugly.
that they are not unwanted and unloved.
so that I can tell them they are beautiful. that they are gorgeous and lovely. that we are beautiful and amazing, captivating and glorious.
I pray that God, you will heal broken hearts. You will wipe away our tears, shed and unshed. Dear God, show us that you love us, even when we are fat and old, wrinkled and unpretty, with saggy boobs and knobby knees. Dear Lord, please cast out those who bring us down with their evil words, their hurtful lies, their brutal contempt.
Dear Lord, please draw the weary and the wounded hearts to you. Love them, and help them turn to you, Lord.
(I really want to slap and roar at these evil pigs, *I hope they grow fat and awful so they'll suffer as they've caused suffering!!* but help me turn away!)
In His mighty name, I pray and ask. Amen.
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Thanks babe! Despite having been unable to meet ya as frequently as in the past, still miss all the girly talks we used to have over coffee in Coffee Bean.. sharing our common interests in Lit, getting very indignant and having long talks over feminist issues, and just basically talking about everything else under the sun. Cat used to be a great advisor to me(still is!). She could put things down in words that are often muddled thoughts in my head, and hence i always have to depend on her to articulate for me what i mean or feel sometimes.. Although my dear friend now is blissfully attached, i still appreciate the independent, free-loving and feminist streak in her(now who says an attached gal cannot continue to feel for feminist issues?).. Love ur latest entry babe! Will have a short snippet of it below.. In the past year, making more friends also enabled me to see a different side to women (as Cat had once again beautifully ('bu kui shi" Honours Lit student) hit the nail upon the head).. in the past, i was only used to my girly, uncompetitive batch of gal frens from my school.. although i kinda knew this side to women exist (stimes it's just wiser to act dumb or blur on these instances (tho irksome).. to avoid complications), i cud not put it down to words as Cat could do so. So will have a short snippet here. Looking forward to meeting u again soon cat babe.. and have another heart-to-heart talk. Don't discount the importance u still hold in my life k? hugz.
To be fair, a damsel-in-distress is fairly passé. It is now much more fashionable to be a fiercely independent woman who asserts that she is not a damsel-in-distress and then cleverly expose her vulnerablilites at opportune moments.
The predictable man will then proceed to melt and extend his primitive protection, whereupon the pseudo-damsel will pull herself up straight and look at him as though he has insulted her oh-so-fierce-independence.
THAT, of course, is calculated precisely to draw the fish closer to shore. And any direct confrontation of this covert trap--so irksome to those who know--will only serve up indignant puppy eyes.
Puppy Eyes will then choose
(1) ('suffering in') silence (which can be used to her best advantage--think along lines of 'magnanimity' and 'maturity' etc),
(2) complete ignorance of 'what are you talking about' (insert more puppy eyes), or
(3) self-righteous stance--complete with tossing of head.
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Love u babe!!! somehow u can just tell what's inside me, wad i need without me spelling it out! Wad would i do in the world without gal frenz?? Here's a tribute all u gal palz who understand me!! huggies!!
Shu Ling Estrella @ 10:06 PM ~*~ |
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Saturday, February 24, 2007
Love Story...
I came across this blog from a link on Cat's blog entry. Manz. the love story is so unreal and unbelievable. Maybe it's cos only the good stuff are blogged? But it was so unrealistically beautiful and sweet that I still spent an hour plus reading their entries. hahaha.. it's the kind of love story that leaves many green-eyed with envy, and yet at the same time, made ya still sigh in bliss and wish that such a love story belongs to u (me included=)). Initially I wasn't too impressed with the story of the courtship. It's only reading their little everyday entries that made my heart sigh.
Check it out yourself.
http://colinandjo.blogspot.com/2006/09/chase.html
P.S. Apparently their story was published in this year's February CLEO issue.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 6:57 PM ~*~ |
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Friday, February 23, 2007
Going out TOO much...
Manz... This is NOT good. It's my one-week term break and already it has flown by.. without me having a proper break AGAIN. ahhhhh... and then next week, it'll be a flurry of deadlines to meet... project meetings... visits..
Already alone for this term break, I had a visit per day after the CNY hols.. come to think about it, NUS cheated us of our holidays a little. CNY hols is from Sat-Tues.. we are cheated of 2 WHOLE days.. hehz. and Wednesday onwards, I had my SW visits starting..
Wed: Urban Youth Visit to the Probations branch at the MCYS (Ministry of Community, Youth and Sports) building.. it was a fruitful trip. The deputy director did an excellent presentation and i got to know another sector of Social Work. It's certainly an interesting area of work-probations with the youths. Hopefully I can find out more.. or join as a voluntary probations officer. Motivation: there's a cute guy in the branch!!! hahahahahaha
Thurs: Visited the Centre for Forensics Sciences lab at HSA (Health Sciences Authority) for my GEK module: Forensics Sciences. Certainly an interesting area of work as well.. The labs were super hi-tech and hmmm.. how to say? systematic... the order of the labs--there were 7 in total: Criministics, DNA Profiling, Narcotics I an II, Toxicology and Document profiling. The last is DNA Database Lab whh isn't in the same building. We had the priviledge to be brought ard all the labs, altho not always allowed to enter for fear of contamination of the materials they held in the labs, chain of custody blah blah and so forth. Super cool la.. if u guys like to watch shows like CSI or crime-related movies, this is the kind of work these labs do--analyzing the evidence--except it's much hi-tech than wad they show in shows and much more complicated. Unfortunately, i will not able to consider this area at all.. cos THEY ONLY HIRE SCIENCE GRADUATES!!! Biased.. hehz
Fri: Visit to IMH... This visit was not as good as the one i had for SW2105 last semester, when i went with sam. I guess it's bcos there were too many students this time round--all 70plus of us... whh was why they were unable to give a more detailed description of the kind of work they do.. we were just brought around 3 wards..
And there goes my term break.. ewww.. covered by school work. Of cos it was the outings with the different grps of frenz that took the cake. Cos met them for quite a long period of time.. term break mahz.. the best time to catch up and have fun.. considering that all my deadlines are coming down on me soon... Hence these 3 days, survived on barely a few hrs of sleep per nite.. it's pretty nuts, considering that before last semester, i was never this mad before.. but the 2nd half of 2006 changed alot thgs for me---i met my OCBC grp of hang-out buddies, joined SW society, met my grp of SW buddies as well..on top of all my good ol' palz... I met these 3 different sets of frenz within 2 days--Wed and Thurs, after my visits.
Afternoon hang-out session at Settlers' Cafe. It was my first time to this cafe.. i have heard about it before from my other friends, but never had the chance to go there till now. it's certainly very fun.. u just sit there the whole day playing games that u never played before (mainly cos many of these games are very expensive).. i played this Lucky-5 game, Taboo and some make objects out of Play-Doh and u are sposed to guess the object game with the SW comm ppl. haha very fun. there were a couple more but i can't rem. The staff were very friendly too.. teaching us how to play. And it was v reasonable. We took the students' package--whh was about 6bucks from 2-6pm. And bcos one of the SW members was a part-time staff there, and another was the gf of the operations manager (hehz), we managed to get some discount too.. hehe..
Sha and me at TCC cafe.. a few mins' walk from Settlers' Cafe (OCBC grp, we can organize an outing to Settlers' soon yeah? hee) We met for dinner at the Banquet food court at Clifford Centre at Raffles' Place to have our fave Hongkong curry noodles.. ahhh.. reminds us of the good ol' days of working at OCBC where we went on our food hunts ard the area, scouting for good food to eat during lunch-time. hehz. After that it was hang-out session at my fave TCC cafe opp. the OCBC building.. nua-ing in the bean bags and talking the evening away. It's been a long time since i hung out with sha babe, and just talked. And it's amazing that given the span of time we hadn't met up in, we could find so much to talk about.. updates.. about the stuff we had been going thru these few months... reminds me of the days when i used to work the same shift as her in OCBC and we would yak away thru the boring time we had to wait for customers to call us up... hehz. Here's some crazy shots we took... Sha suggested we do funny faces for once.. and then we were laughing at how like malleable dough my face can be. Cos it's so fleshy, u can mould it around like Play-Doh into diffnt expressions. hehz. i like the last shot the best.. we were sposed to act angry with each other, and sha cun hold it out.. so it came out with tt horrible expression on my face hahahahahahz
The last crazy outing is with my angelz... sammie, vonnie and karrie!!!! plus jingyang.. hahahah... we went to KBox on Thurs nite--ladies' nite. Actually we wanted to just hang out with our baby--vonnie--who's back on a short break from her exchange to HK. So happpppie to see her.. still as sweet as ever my dearie von. It was another first for me.. this KTV.. besides it being the first KTV outing with the angelz, it was the first time i went so wild and crazy in KTV!!! haha... totally fits in with the theme "Ladies' Nite".. we were having our private clubbing session inside the room--jumping about and dancing on the sofa and screaming our lungs out.. poor vonnie's throat got worse i think after the session. We were damn high.. led by our squad-leader, sammie.. she was the one who led us on the "dance-floor" as we screamed and danced to all the fast tracks. Too bad i dint get any of the crazy actions we had on camera.. as i was pretty high myself hahaz.
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think it'll be a long while before i get this crazy again... had never let down my hair so much in the past.. before meeting these friends.. always been oh-so-prim and proper.. and guai.. and never stay out late hahah... it's certainly fun.. this side of life, glad i had a chance to actually go so crazy and experience this type of stress-relieving activities. In a way, it also helped to distract me from the unhappy events and stuff in my mind from the past few days too... so although some ppl may think i have gone a bit far, this time round in my play, as i had never been like this b4, I DUN FUCKING CARE. But it's time to return back to my books again.. sigh. Hope i can recover enuff over this weekend to face the dreary sem again.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:56 PM ~*~ |
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Tuesday, February 20, 2007
If a home doesn't make sense, nothing does.-Henrietta Ripperger
Yest night, I went back to the self i was two years ago. I came across this entry.....
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Beautiful night. A little humid. But as i dressed myself, i felt, maybe for once, i could be beautiful. I had carefully built my image over the past year, choosing clothing that appeals to me, even if the clothes stimes earn weird/critical remarks from my family (cos they are very un-mainstream), carefully building up my self-confidence.. but then..
"wahz... wads with your hair? where u go and do one? that hairband (stars hairband) too bling-bling le.. dun match"
"wahz.. wad happened to you? there was a period i remembered u lost weight! (sec school period-10 yrs ago) u looked so pretty then! now ur arm is twice the size of ur arm then! why u put back on all the weight?"
"aiyoz... , why u never help ur elder sis put on make-up? ur one so nice.. u never help her put? oh ya, put le oso no use. her face beyond repair oso"
"i should have told you u r ugly when u were a kid. As the chinese superstition says, telling kids they are ugly when they are young, the reverse will happen. they'll grow up to be beautiful adults. now ah.. too late le..."
"wah.. ur face so big, cannot fit into the camera lens"
Or either cousin standing on either side of me, and whilst talking, they'll squeeze my fleshy arm. or sitting down, squeeze my thunder thigh.
Actually these sort of comments should not bother me. i hear them every year. from people who are related to me, but i only see once/twice a year. but then, some of these comments also came from people whom i have lived with since i was an infant too--my cousins. maybe i felt i should have gotten some sort of acceptance for the way i looked. hmmm.. but no. anyway, at this age when u r fat, unbecoming, unable to fit into mainstream clothes, dunno how to make-up and boyfriendless, u r still bound to suffer such ribbing---loser.
But then, being the homey person i am, hearing comments from those tt matter still hit. Though i was able to handle some of these comments better with some finesse, but it still hits. Hard. anyway, i jus wanna go home tt nite after a bruised evening, then i ran into a quarrel with my immediate family memberz on the way home.. oh wellz. tt really brought down all defences. another bruising to an already-battered ego. i had no more left in me to fight. I guess if i had reached home without quarreling, the nite mite have turned out differently. cos after all, i am so used to the relatives' ribbing le. But family's comments hit the hardest. and she chose the best part to hit as she knows me best--my weakest point--my personality. i had no more energy to fight really.
On the top storey of the deserted multi-storeyed carpark, i sat against the white-washed wall, tears streaming down my neck, gazing at the empty, fathomless skies, searching for a star. why do i like stars so much? this was the main reason... they are always there. but tonite, even the stars had abandoned me. i felt chilled. leaned towards the wall, wishing it had arms to put around me. even if the arms may be brick-cold and hard.. but i wun mind. cos i jus need some solace then. the tears fell silently. cos i dun even have the energy in me to scream. to cry out loud. and bcos i dun, each wave of tears tt came felt like a stab to the heart. the more i cried, the more i felt the pain to my heart. cos it wasn't a carthartic kind of crying. it was more a self-pitying kind of crying. i hadn't cried like this since more than a year ago, when i walked out of those shadows. Tonite, the shadows beckoned again. Pulling me into their engulfing, cold depths. Whispering to me that a guardian angel is but a myth of God. "Unaccepted. Unaccepted-able, Unacceptability." Unaccepted for myself. Or maybe there was no myself to begin with. I am not me. I felt these running thru my mind as the cold winds chilled me. Unaccepted by the basis of my being, the makers of my foundation. Un-understood by the beings that i believed to be most impt in a life.
There were a dozen names i could call from my hp, and the friend would be conforting me in an instant. Even as i sat there alone, i remembered each and every's promise to be there for me. But why dint i call? Not since 3 years ago. I had given out pieces of my heart to friends, old and new, even as i walked on from 3 years back. But i had never given my whole heart out again (unlike what my immediate family likes to think--my friends are soo much more impt and so forth).. no i never. Not since M. had I had a best friend again and hence, see no need to put my whole heart out on the line again. And thus, since M., no one has ever put me as their No. 1 either... and who could i call then to pour out everything? who could i call that would understand in an instant how i was feeling? who could feel for me and cry for me, as best friends do? I never felt that kind of closeness since M., where someone had a soft spot for me and even before i asked, would have called before and after my visit to check on how i am. Even though i had come into some close friendships since her... but I dint feel like reaching out for help. Cos no one had a soft spot for me, or would understand. In the end, i may end up feeling even more alone as the friend tried to reassure me and comfort me in the usual manner but they cun come to me as i needed.
My mind was so torn then that i cun even feel the existence of my shell. If someone had come to assault me then, i dun think i would have fought back. In some perverse part of my mind, i would have just let him in order to gain the attention i needed.
But nothing happened. Soon, my hp rang. My parents. Called to ask where i am as they wanted to go out to do some praying at a temple for CNY and i dun have the house keys (lent them to my cousin who is staying over at my parents' house for a few months), so i have to go home before they go out. Although the waves of tears hadn't gone away, i tried my best to wipe the tear stains on the sleeve of my new Zara top (the top i had felt so beautiful in when i put on that night, but now i felt looks like shit) before walking home. Arrived at the door of my parents' house. My face was blotchy-red but expectedly, my parents carried on their conversation as if they didn't notice me. i stared at the blotchy face in the bathroom mirror. Ugly. The comments were justified. The face that stared back at me was grouchy-looking, blotchy, red, bloated, pimply and the eyes were out of shape. I went to bed with Mr Pink and then penknife i used 3 years back. After i hear the house door click shut, i ran the penknife lightly over the fat white flesh of my wrist. It was so fat i cun see the veins. Pressing the penknife deeper enabled me to see the transparent top layer of my skin. i waited for it to slice deeper so the blood would flow. So the pain would ease the ache. But i dint dare. Even if on normal days, my watch would more than cover the scars, but i dint have the guts--weakling. I only dared made light enuff scratches that would itch and leave bubble-like swellings tt would ease into a red mark the next day. I laid down with Mr Pink in my hand. Mr Pink only have 'compassionate' crossed pink eyes. No ears, no mouth. I felt comforted. He's the only being that understands me. He looks at me puzzledly with his crossed eyes. I allowed his puny hand to wipe away the fresh spate of teardrops. His hand is so puny one teardrop wetted his entire hand. I fell into a dream-filled sleep where i was loved in the dream. i was not fat in the dream, i was happy and innocent and filled with love and people were drawn to me. I dint want to wake up.
Unfortunately i had to wake up eventually... and then the ling-of-the-night-before ceased to exist. In the light of day, the shadows slipped away and i was able to put on my careful meticulously-formed mask again. A mask i believed one day, i will come to own. Because, what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
love,
ling
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..... in my sub-conscious. The ling u read hadn't been this emotional in a while. So dun mention any of this when u see me on my usual days k.. i like the present me more. The before-CNY, post-CNY me... the surrounded-by-loyal-friends me, the ling that had tried so hard to walk out. the ling that may one day grow stronger and less self-pitying.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 10:27 PM ~*~ |
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Friday, February 16, 2007
14th Feb blues and happenings...
I simply loved grace's blog entry on V-day... it's a singles' sentiment... she was quite brutally honest n down-to-earth in tt entry abt how V-day is crap (esp when u r a single and how all those lovey-doveys shd DIE) wahahahhahaa..
tt being said, i was sooooo not looking fwd to going to school tt day.. but had little choice due to my heaviest module this semester, Urban Youth Work.. got lecture and project presentation in tutorial.. the day before, when i was in school, i had to fend off stewpid ppl who kept handing out some nonsensical pamphlets plastered with cheesy messages and hearts, avoid all the grossly-saccharine sweet wrapped-up bouquets.. and then bumped into this stupid arch of pink and white balloons some society decided to obstruct the AS6 walkway with, TWICE. when i bumped into it a second time on my way to lessons, i tell ya, i was damn tempted to tk out sth sharp and poke all of them. BLEARGHZ. evil me hahahah. needless to say, the actual day itself was worse. There were mini red hearts dangling through the entire AS1 walkway, MORE bouquets of flowers carried around by starry-eyed gals and on my way to school, i even saw this guy who alighted at the Jurong East MRT interchange holding a bag behind him. it was open and i saw a pink iPod nano inside. MANZ. if u buy an iPod nano for a V-day gift, what do u buy for her birthday? Tiffany and Co.? Cartier?
hahahhahaz.. im being sour grapes. anw, tt nite, went clubbing with sam and karrie.. and a bunch of guys-sam's buddy and our uni frenz. Mainly it was cos sam requested to go club for her bday celebration. Zouk was blardy crowded.. and after dancing and drinking there awhile, we moved on to Phuture. I generally liked R n B music better so Phuture appealed better to me, though it was much more crowded than Zouk. Thk us gals were especially high tt nite.. some boundaries were crossed.. maybe its the whole clubbing effect on top of the whole sucky being-single-on-V-day syndrome. I dint drink alot.. cos i know i cant hold my liquor.. after a disastrous incident 3 yrs back.. in fact i realised i dint like the taste of alcohol tt much after all, so was jus sipping on the drinks offered around. In a sense, i was probably still the most clear-headed gal in the grp hahaz.. the music was intoxicating but tho i got high enuff to move along with the music, it wasn't high enuff to let myself go totally. still all in all, it was a fun experience. Sam, hope u had a blast k for ur early bday celebration=)
anw, wad else did i do this week? alot of CNY clothes shopping. i got 2 new tops from Zara.. quite pleased with my buys though it burnt a huge hole in my pocket..
went out with flo babe.. flo!! do u see ur name here finally?? grinz. flo complains i nv blogged abt her.. but its cos WE NEVER TAKE PICS!!! (and when i dun blog for a long while, i usu remember events or who i went out with by the pics i took) then when we wanna take tt day, we were so engrossed in shoppin we totally forgot to take. anyway dear, here's a tribute to u anw:):) we also tried bakerzinn for the first time. the food is good but v ex.. so we just had their pasta for lunch without tryin their acclaimed desserts, whh looked damn good but too freakin ex le.
met gracie too.. b4 she flew off. it was just a short dinner at sushi tei in paragon but was happie le. i wun see my stabiliser for a month!!! anw dear.. have a good trip, i know u have been looking forward to this for ages.. AND U BETTER GET SOME DECENT REST THERE I'M TELLING YA..grinz
my dearest gracie and me at sushi tei paragon
my galz, sam and karrie and me, outside zouk. look how face is like a monkey's butt when made-up!!!! no wonder i dun like make-up haha. but still thanks karrie for helpin to doll me up. i like the eyes. the whole bunch of us-minus sam's buddy-before entering zouk.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 3:21 AM ~*~ |
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Monday, February 05, 2007
peace again...
hmmmm.. so much has happened since i decided to step down.. ok not really too.. abit lazy to update here.. anyway most of u guys know abt it too...:)
let my pics speak for wad i have done recently..
Social Work Week in school (17th-19th Jan): the response was pleasantly enthusiastic and better than expected.. Many came to congratulate the committee on the hard work. Highlight of this event was the huge jigsaw with pieces of quotes to be uncovered by the students to reveal a collage of the SW students in NUS.
Social Workers' Day (20th Jan): Although it was a rainy day, the SW crowd who turned up at *scape were unfazed. i had a fun time doing outreach near cineleisure area with karrie.. happy that i celebrated the first SW day with the buddies i made in SW: sammie and karrie.
KTV outing (25th Jan) with OCBC kakis: hanging out with the OCBC bunch is always fun.. and now zy has his 'revenge' after getting his own digicam.. he can 'pay back' for all the times i took unglam pics of him.. hahahaah.. that nite was retro (debi and zy) VS modern (janey and me) theme... debi started to choose all the oldies and janey and i were choosing all the latest teenage-bopper songs... such as Farenheit.. hehe
Janey's b'day (4th Feb): Yest nite zy and i celebrated janey's bday for her at Changing Appetites at Marina Square. It was my first time to Changing Appetites and i muz say their dishes were really varied and good. i highly recommend the calamari.. think it's the best i had so far.. it beats even Fish & Co.! Then we started taking silly pics.. i shall not embarrass zy by putting the stupid pics we took of him here (after he has been so nice to me on sat nite heh.. btw zheyan didi, thanks so much for talking to me tt nite.. u r a great pal=)).. we bought a princessy ribbon hairband for janey and i had a similar one.. so we were taking very "act-cutesy" pics of tt heh.... sha babe met us later for a short while for fries and lemon tea at Macs.. the NY decor at Marina Square was beautiful.. i like the way they hung up the lights.. the colouring they used.. has a very dreamy effect.. i remembered they did sth similar for Christmas...
Grace: then there's the meeting-ups with gracie babe.. stimes it's just for a quick tea or dinner.. stimes longer for studying.. gracie is growing so much more feminine nowadays.. now that she tries to doll up more ala korean-style with her newly pierced ears--wearing all the cute korean earrings.. although our time tger this semester is more of snatches of time, but still managed to stay in close contact of each other's lives.. thanks babe, for accompanying that day on sat, with all your glam makeup and hairdo... it muz have been so darn embarrassing.. thanks for coming down for me=)!
thats all the updates for now.. this semester is gonna be a real heavy semester for me academically.. and i hope i can pull thru it.. just praying that all the travelling up and down wun kill me soon. heh.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 8:12 PM ~*~ |
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Thursday, February 01, 2007
| You Communicate With Your Ears | 
You love conversations, both as a listener and a talker.
What people say is important to you, and you're often most affected by words, not actions.
You love to hear complements from others. And when you're upset, you often talk to yourself.
Music is very important to you. It's difficult to find you without your iPod. |
it's true, esp the last part. can't travel anywhere without my iPod.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 12:39 AM ~*~ |
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