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Monday, May 30, 2005
4 days into the job.. and my feet are happily aching and my mind is drained but revitalised. never realise working can be a joy. or maybe its still in the initial stages of grasping the lil joys of learning all the multi-tasks of a ground crew member.
the only thg is, i'm still too shy to approach the other ground crew members to talk. as usual, my shyness acting up, whh some probably decipher as being arrogant.
urgh, just dunno how to walk up to a group to talk. there are still some who do introduce themselves, but other than those and when i work one-on-one with some, i just am v much by myself.
haha hopefully can break thru my shell soon. anyway, it all takes time. give it time girl!
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:49 PM ~*~ |
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Friday, May 27, 2005
being freer..
a close friend of mine whom i met 2 days ago commented, as we were talking about wad have been happening to us, that i look freer and happier, compared to my worn-out state in the past. she was sharing with me her woes on a close friend of hers, which i can only relate too well. (gal, stimes we are just too similar in our experiences huh.. rest assured tt i dun thk u r whiny or taking up my time rambling at all..hugs) and even as i hear her speak, i see an old me who gave myself too much emotional baggage on worthless things, things i shd hv better spent my time on. maybe thats why as time goes by, i just become warier of handing out my heart too readily, even though i dunno if i have gotten out of that or not. frens tell me i am always too willing to give my heart out to ppl who may not be able to give me wad i want, and hence i suffer. and now i am starting to see why. which was why as i was talking to another friend today on the issue of relationships, i see no more "tong hua".
dunno whether i'm reaching the stage where materialism is mattering more and more to me and seems more hardy and stable than any other thg i see. but right now, at least i know wad i want is stability. in the past, i dun even know or care wad i want whilst giving my heart and soul and spirit readily and blindly out. and ouch! wat lessons learnt.
"Rich Girl"(edited)
If I was a Rich Girl
See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
Think what that money could bring
I'd buy everything
Clean out Vivienne Westwood
In my Galliano gown
No, wouldn't just have one hood
A Hollywood mansion if I could
Please book me first class to my fancy house in London town
All the riches baby, won't mean anything
All the riches baby, don't bring what your love can bring
All the riches baby, won't mean anything
Don't need no other baby
Your lovin' is better than gold and I know
If I was rich girl
See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
I'd get me four Harajuku girls toInspire me and they'd come to my rescue
I'd dress them wicked,
I'd give them names
Love, Angel, Music, Baby
Hurry up and come and save me
All the riches baby, won't mean anything
All the riches baby, don't bring what your love can bring
All the riches baby, won't mean anything
Don't need no other baby
Your lovin' is better than gold and I know
[EVE:]
Come together all over the world
From the hoods to Japan
Harajuku girls
What?
It's all love
What?
Give it up
What? (shouldn't matter)
What?
Come together all over the world
From the hood to Japan
Harajuku girls
What?
It's all the love
What?
Give it up
What? (shouldn't matter)
What happened to my life?
Turned up side down
Chicks dat blew ya mind, ding, it's the second round
Original track and ting
You know you can't buy these things
See Stefani and her L.A.M.B
I rock the fetish people you know who I am
Yes ma'am, we got the style that's wicked
I hope you can all keep up
We climbed all the way from the bottom to the top
now we ain't gettin' nothing but love
If I was rich girl
See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world,
if I was a wealthy girl
Shu Ling Estrella @ 12:04 AM ~*~ |
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Thursday, May 26, 2005
a new experience
freaking tired now.. but yet happy. its the kind of feeling when all the energy seems to have been drained out of you, but ur muscles are aching in a very deliciously drained kind of way, and ur mind feels so thereupatically at ease and calm.
maybe its cos my mind has been rotting for too long.. too given to distractions and daydreaming and senseless imaginations that now it feels good to be able to put it to some use.
and i feel happy. really happy. i know this is too much gushing for one job, but its the first time i feel so happy at a part-time job. maybe cos it's an entirely new experience for me, having a kind of long-term part-time job. in the past, i just do one-off jobs. like each job wud only last for a few days. the money's good, but there's no real sense of belonging or permanency, like a hi-bye kind of thg.
maybe its cos i really hunger for some stability and permanency at this stage in my life. i know its sth one desire and not realistically possible all the time, but its still a hope i hold.
maybe as time goes by, i may get so used to the repeated duties that it'll become habit and stale, but i dun wanna think about it before i have come to it. right now, i just wanna treasure the new experience and relish it totally. gain as much as i can learn.
it helps also that for the past few days, i have been trained by nice ppl. granted they are guarded(at this age), but there is still a lot of laughing and joking and sharing of experiences and information. my mind is so full i dun have a single minute during my job to think of anything else. in this way, the time i spent on senseless thinking becomes alot lesser, only till i have finished my job or before. but even then, i try to use the time to build up on knowledge for my job and hence am pulled away from those useless thoughts again.
i'm happy for now. really happy. simply happy. and it doesnt matter that i still got alot of thinking abt myself to do. i know the answer will be shown to me bit by bit. step by step. and right now, i just wanna relish this job and welcome it as a new experience for me. to see what it has in store for me. and i know as time goes by, i'll find what i am looking for naturally.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 1:19 AM ~*~ |
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Thursday, May 19, 2005
actually i always try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, when at the end of the day it does matter. and then now i have come to a point when i just numbify that moment, and convince myself tt it'll always be like that, thgs'll never change and i'll cont to feel like that and therefore i shd just numbify that moment and refuse to let the feelings and after-effects set in.
when will i learn to tell the world that i dun fucking care abt how u feel, i shd pay more care to how i feel? why do i always have to subject myself to the questioning and criticisms of others? and never feel the need to question them out of implicit trust?
cos tts the way i am. and unless i learn to accept it, or change, i'll keep hating myself. and i shouldn't.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 12:31 AM ~*~ |
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005
It is such a secret place, the land of tears.
-The Little Prince
i'm sure many of yall are well-acquainted with this classic. i myself have been introduced to it by frens, and i'm only halfway thru(those who know me well know wad a snail i am at reading).
i came across this line when i'm reading. and i wish to dedicate it to a friend, who may be feeling frequencies of going into the land of tears of late. and she may want to go to it alone. and wadever it is, i just hope after she had been there, she'll find her own peace.
the land of tears. i was a frequent visitor myself, esp in the last 2 years or so. i still visit it, but not so frequently now. an easy way to send me there is to provoke my vulnerabilities, my weakest points. in the past 2 years, more than those provoked times, i wud just stumble into it frequently and as unknowingly, more so than any other time of my life. to a point that i can't even differentiate the land of tears from the land of reality. my tears wud literally fall anyplace, anytime, without control, and few ppl cud stand it. but as for me, i dint care, the land of tears, more than a secret place, was a place of solace to me. a place when i could be myself and face no one else but myself.
now the land of tears is becoming somewhat like a holiday venue for me. somewhere this year, i lost my ability to cry. even at night by myself, i dun feel the prick of tears any longer. i haven't had a good cry in the longest time. and i keep wondering if it could be that i'm penting up my feelings or that i have been crying so much in the past 2 years that all the tears have been wrung out of me.
this line got me to think how many of its visitors really see it as a secret place. when one visits the land of tears, does he really wish to be alone? to be in a haven by himself? to be where he wud not be disturbed? or does he wish someone to enter the place of tears with him? to cry with him? to comfort him? to offer just the right amount of understanding and sympathy without being brushed off as irritating or insensitive?
most of the time in the land of tears, whilst i really wished to be left alone to give vent to my tears and emotions, but many a time, i also wish for a kindred soul who'll really be there with me, silently, or comforting, or affectionate, just smoothing my hair, hugging me and kissing away my hurts. someone like God's guardian angel. if it exists. i heard before that a guardian angel is sent to every human being, and i often wish i can see mine. so that in the dark of the night, i can see the light there shining with warmth and love just for me.
if only there's someone in the world that can truly belong to you. or exists just for you. am i being very selfish in my thinking? there are times when i feel everything is so fleeting, so unstable that i wish there's truly just something that belongs to me. it could be why nowadays this is manifested in the physical sense for me. i like to buy my own things. things i desire or lust after. instead of hoping for it as a gift, i wanna save it up and get it for myself. i dun wan or like to feel i have owed it to another person. bcos i am finding that sometimes, the emotional baggage that comes along with it is a heftier price i have to pay. its probably my only streak of independency too. i like knowing i have counted on myself to possess that expensive bag, rather than on a boyfriend or best friend.
i wish.. i wish.. i wish.. that i'm not becoming escapist or detached or disillusioned. but right now, at least i can be proud enough to say that this is my way of life now and i like it. and in my land of tears now, i can safely be there by myself and not hope for any more miracles. no hope, no expectation, no disappointment.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:19 PM ~*~ |
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listen, or shut up
i'm fat.
or rather i shd say im big-sized.
like i have ever been thin b4. but this is quite serious. cos i have gained like 10kg since i entered uni.
when my cousin came yesterday and said "oh my goodness, what shock have u gone thru? i tot u were ur sis grown thinner!", i know i have to do sth.
its qu bad la. cos in the past, at least i cud fit into the largest sizes at nice boutiques. now i'm bursting like a dumpling in them. and my jeans and pants start getting tighter and tighter.
and its no joke on the wallet when i have to keep buying to replace. and spore dun exactly provide many clothes for big gals either. its either they do, and they look v ah-soh, or they come at hefty prices. for instance, a pair of jeans for the big sizes at dorothy perkins cost 80bucks. when my slim frens cud easily get a nice and cheap pair for 30bucks or under. its almost like they are punishing u, telling u, "u gotta pay for ur size. else lose tt fat if u wanna spend less".
i know there may be some ppl who may be disgusted at the obsessiveness abt weight. but whichever size one is at, i believe it is an issue with all. just how hefty u rate ur prob on the scale.
like any big-sized gal i guess, i long for a day when i can fit into nice clothes. have a nice variety of clothes to choose from. rather than be limited by my choices. and wallet. cos i cant afford that 200-buck dress that is made for a big gal.
to my fellow frens sharing the same views as me, u und where i'm coming from? lets work to losing tt baggage k.
to ppl who cant und still, forget it la. i shan't even want to brg out the whole drill abt the pot-calling-the-kettle-black anymore.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 1:34 AM ~*~ |
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there's this overhanging thg abt love...
not in it myself, but whenever i see my frens bothered by it, i'll be like "wad the hell, L-O-V-E? what have u done to these sensible, rational and some even exceptionally brilliant ppl?"
there's this thg abt love i'll not understand.
how it can get hardy ppl mushed up, how it can mess up perfectly systematic ppl's lives up, how it an wring all the tears, laughs, emotions out of u, how one can say "i dun want it" to it and dun mean it, and how it can just get ppl to fall under its spell(whomever it may be).
bloody love? or powerful love? or helluva love? or plain irritating love?
no wonder God says "love is the greatest of the three".
it sure has a lot of power in its hands, esp when it concerns boy-to-girl.
no wonder He made like Adam and Eve first. a husband and wife. attracted to each other even as wars between sexes ensue later. not a family. like Noah's family. not friends. not teacher-disciple. not brothers, sisters, cousins. not business associates, acquaintances.. and on with the list of the thousands of human relations.
love is the greatest of them all.
the meaning of love is becoming toooo... tooo.. limited. and yet wide. oh hell, i dunno.
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i can feel the jealousies arising again. i just wanna pray that one day they'll understand. they'll know where they are comin from, where i'm comin from. they are one of the closest ppl in the world to me. the ones that wun give up even when we say we are. even when we say its the last straw. the ones that's only stable in my mortal life. a stability i'm beginning to be disillusioned doesnt exist in any other human relationship. a stability i can't find nowhere else.
now i know where they are comin from, i wanna be patient. pray for patience. pray that we wun spend the majority of our lives tger in jealousy, or comparisons. and even when they want to throw in the white flag, that God will soothe us all. give me more patience. grant them more love.
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blessed be those seeking for peace. or answers. in a never-ending journey of seeking, may our hearts be linked in some way or another.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 12:28 AM ~*~ |
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Wednesday, May 11, 2005
i do hope i am not startin to sound too bimbotic on my blog. in all honesty if i am, pls feel free to give feedback.
fucking irritating trait to be bothered by wad ppl thk.
maybe i'm getting too bored at hm. hoping to start work on new job plus yoga classes soon.
i been reading frens' blogs alot lately and it's feeling to me like they are living centuries in months.. or days..
the thought-provoking processes, the experiences, the unsaid tots coupled with grief, sadness, poignancy, short bursts of happinesses...
once such a lifetime had been avail to me. now i'm living out wat wud prob'ly be a much-craved-for simple, uncomplicated and uneviable life.
a simplicity i had so craved for. so why i am in yearning for sth to happen?
man is never satisfied.
in the meantime, i'll still just indulge in some bimbotic fantasies yeah?;)
Shu Ling Estrella @ 1:18 AM ~*~ |
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i'm fucking in love with this tote bag by kate spade.
been lookin and lookin for a nice tote bag and fell headlong for this.
asking price by yahoo auctions is SGD300.
fuck. hope i can earn enough to get it.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 1:16 AM ~*~ |
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Tuesday, May 10, 2005
:...(
my sis just broke my clinique happy heart perfume. *heartache* barely halfway thru the bottle.
and i hv to clean up the broken glass and remnants after her. now there's an overpoweringly sickly sweet smell in the room.
stimes i wonder why i do that. offer to pick up other ppl's messes, takin others' faults upon me. putting all the unhappinesses upon my shoulder.
bleargh. im disgusted with myself.
and its my perfume tts got broken. the perfume i paid for with my own money.
oh well, at least i saw it all the way from buying it, cherishing it, using it to its deathbed.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:38 AM ~*~ |
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i got the night safari job!!
or at least selected for the first round..
grins.
cun stop grinning.. or gushing abt it to 3 frens online tonite.. ahhhh!! really happy.
never been so happy b4 upon getting a job.
cos at first i tot it was just plain filling up application form and wait for reply. then they say hv to talk for 2 mins in front of all the interviewees, whh actually only got 12 ppl.
for those who know me well, u wud know i freak out at talkin in front of alot of ppl, or presentations. going red, stammering, cold sweat, butterflies in stomach. when i hear got to talk, i really tot i cun make it.
but i did!! at least for the first round of selections. i hope i dun screw up at the training later.
i know it isnt a big deal to many. but it meant alot to me. really alot. like i was smiling immensely and skipping on my way hm.. heh. felt like i just been given a whole shot of confidence booster and s1 just placed alot of smiles into my heart. heh.
i'll fill u yall in more later ya.. just so happie!! and wanted to share the happiness with yall.:)
Shu Ling Estrella @ 12:32 AM ~*~ |
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Sunday, May 08, 2005
aaahhhh....
go on, make me happy..:)
Chocolate Buffet
The Fullerton Singapore - Chocolate Buffet
Where:The Courtyard (tel: 6877-8129)
When: 8-11pm every Friday and Saturday
Cost: $24+++ (adult); $12+++ (child)
What: Since 2002, chocolate lovers have been indulging in treats such as the chocolate mango yoghurt mousse. The drink station with its premium chocolate-blended drinks is the highlight.
The Courtyard features a rapturous buffet of over 20 tantalising and luscious chocolate creations on Friday and Saturday evenings. For a blissful end to a hectic week, wind down at The Courtyard with this array of comforting desserts and indulge the chocolate lover in you. Experience the unforgettable Chocolate Fountain, accompanied by fresh fruits and marshmellows.
Complement the chocolate delights with Michele Chiarlo Nivole, a sublime and delicate dessert wine. 'Nivole', meaning 'clouds' in the Piedmontese dialect, suggests the wine's bubbly and elegant quality.
The Chocolate Buffet is available from 8.00pm to 11.00pm, at S$28 per person or S$36 with a glass of Michele Chiarlo Nivole wine.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 7:02 PM ~*~ |
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a fun-filled week...(:
wed, 04/05
 zitian ended her papers.. so we went for a ktv session tger with cat. the silly gal dun let me take any pics of her. so i got no choice but to sneak a pic of our ktv diva(featured in pic;>) when she was absolutely absorbed in putting her powerful vocals in action to a heartwrenching love song. heh. she'll be so pleased to hear this heh.(note to you: girl, u still haven't finished filling in me..) ended the nite shopping with zitian at the clementi interchange shops for office wear. doesn't sound v believable but we actually managed to find shops selling. the hardworking gal is starting work the day after her exams. cue to find job. but i just wanna laze awhile more(pig's tail and snout sprouting). anyway hope my interview with night safari comes through. thur, daytime, 05/05
  spent the day with one of my all-time closest-cum-hang-out pals, flo!!! the poor gal was suffering from red-eye infection tt day and so pics taken a lil blurrily to hide the fact. haha ok blame it on my lousy photo-taking skills la. we had a scrumplicious meal at swensons' at bugis. i still swear that bugis' swensons' is one of the best outlets around. great service plus plentiful servings of food. i had the cheese and mushrooms omelette and sarsapilla(a root beer nicer than the ordinary root beer)while she had the fish and chips(with coke). being carnivorous, we replaced our veggies with fries. hiak. we even ordered side dishes of rodeo wings and prawn dippers. yum! it ended with complimentary coffee ice-cream for flo(as part of her executive lunch promotion) and i had the celebrity brownie, whh i cun finish since i was nearly bursting from the lunch, whh is qu sad, cos the outlet has one of the warmest, fuzziest brownies. i made flo try the seaweed(weird rite) wrapped ard her ice-cream and her reaction was classic. shd have caught it on cam.;)
 after walking ard some(we both are on a tight budget so cant shop much:<), we decided to rest our tired feet at the tcc cafe situated outside the building, very quiet. flo enjoyed a hazelnut frappe whilst i had the Sea of Passion, a raspberry-tinted fruit concoction. we relaxed to the cool music and quiet environment whilst chattering. for once i do talk.. sharing about our experiences with friendships and view on human relationships in general. it is always a comfort talking to this ol' pal. felt like i can really be myself and relax with flo. flo dear: thanks for listening to me rant again and for giving me the encouragement all this time when i needed it. and just for knowing wad to say to soothe my fears and insecurities. u have been a real rock!!hugs..:)
 flo contemplating her drink...
me sipping blood demurely.. u'll see the fangs soon. hiak. thur, nite, 05/05
 spent the evening with grace, whom i haven't met since the dreary Bangkok trip, and where our friendship really got strained for a period of time. in fact, despite the online msn conversations, i was still filled with apprehension about the outing. well thanks to brave ol' me who took the first step to speak to her(hahaha, my big-blown head), we are back on track. gal, many a time u mentioned that u tot we cud never be friends again. my thinking wasn't as far-fetched as yours since i tot we did have a friendship, and friendships can't be so easily broken.(ok save that sore experience) but i hope we are back on even ground yeah? u r rite. slow and steady is the step. i do hope we can start with a clean slate and truly forget the unhappiness of the past yeah. else it wun be fair to either of us. the nite was peaceful, filled with sharing of what had happened in the past months, evaulations, changes of viewpoints, realisations, just a comfortable conversation calming in its own effect. as we enjoyed curry katsu rice(whh for some reason is spicy) at nooch and smooth-as-silk haagen dazs ice-crem gloriously sliding down our throats, we had our first face-to-face conversation in months. it feels the same yet it has changed in some ways. i still teasing her, about her new Guess handbag whh is too big for her, and with our viewpoints changed in some ways... gal, thanks for introducing to a new night view of singapore haha. dint noe that the scenery of boat quay and esplanade and the fullerton is so splendid at nite. heh. the walk was littered with more conversation and enjoying a rare night breeze as we contemplated whether to take the boat ride from boat quay and visited the fullerton hotel's washroom just for the fun of it. haha, i still stick to my comment that the armchair inside the washroom is nicer than mine at home. heh 
night view of the Fullerton.
fri, 06/05
  met up with my dearest SC pals, da and yh at the coffee club, Holland V!! heh. tho i have seen ida constantly thru my exam period, and thanks to the hardworking gal, at least i do get some studying done when i studied with her. da: really glad that u moved back home this time for the exam period, at least i see ya more often when i hardly see ya during the sem. heh. and thanks being my "sense-knocker" when i need it and the silent support. yh: girl!! hope this time u dun get my bloggie addr wrong heh. wish u aren't such a busy lil bee. hardly see u at all until ur 2-months-belated gift i can only give u that day. heh. still, it was a fun afternoon. being with my SC pals take me right back to the memory lane of a carefree, worry-free period, where we reminisced about THAT terrifying history teacher *shudders* and our ol' frens and classmates and our happy times tger.
  had baked bolo pasta(whh is fantastic by the way...must try) and mocha vanilla frappe. getting fat from all the rich foods this week!!! sat, 07/05
 Ahhhh... my absolute fave Macs breakfast... the Big Breakfast!!! with iced milo!! it totally made my day! havent had it for ages.   had breakfast with my good ol' JC pals, jiaying and ruth at AMK's Macs. again, dint see them ever since the exams. it was a fun morning of catching up and as we cun thk wad to do after, we went...........
KTV-ing again!!!!!!!!!!(haha my 2nd KTV session this week)  another pop diva at work!!!
we practically duped ruth into going KTV-ing with us. not only had the poor girl had to endure my squawking-bird singing voice, she cun understand a single word jiaying and i were singing. when we finally got her to take the mike at an old English song, i had to take this rare scene down on picture. heh. one thg tho, as it was an impromptu decision to go KTV-ing, we were frozen cold( and i mean literally) in the spastically-cold KTV room. i could not feel my fingers for a good ten minutes when we left. and the sound-proof of the room isn't very good. for a few minutes, we could hear a guy squawking worse than me... haha.. but it was a good deal. we had more than an hour over our time and paid less than ten bucks each!! jiaying kept on and on sayin its such a good deal.. muz go again.
my JC pals may not always be there or super close to me. but yeah am thankful tt we do make the effort to keep the friendship going after JC and tt they were always there to bail me out when i'm in trouble with their encouragement and prayers, no matter how lousy a friend i have been at keeping in contact. gonna end this entry with a quote jiaying just sent me online, whh she said she dedicated to me, haha. *sheepish grin* thanks gal. "The glory of friendship is not in the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is in the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him." i have really been v blessed. i need people, as i told some friends before, and the feeling of being needed back feels good too.:)
Shu Ling Estrella @ 1:18 AM ~*~ |
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Wednesday, May 04, 2005
my fren asked me to read a blog a couple days back on her to-be ex and give her some feedback. and in his blog, i saw many shadows of myself... the way he handled his emotions, the way he blogged, the subtle hints and innuendoes. on-the-surface-happy-but-actually-just-not-happy.
maybe it is only when u see all the thgs u dun like in another and whh parellels in u tt u realise how u have been.
manz what has my blog been like?
self-pity, anger, bitterness, overly hung-up on the past?
i remember tellin my fren:
you can't hold on to something which is already not there.
i thk the best person to tk this advice is myself.
how tightly i have held on to nothingness, only to realise the only one i'm hurtin is myself, looking at the bloody red marks the fingernails have dug into my palm.
i still dunno whats the meanin of loving thyself, but its a project i hope my frens will partake with me.
please dun push me away shd i get frustrated or outburst at u in my frustration to und the concept or to stop having faith in me.
that's all i ask for.
on a brighter note, i went shopping today! not exactly shopping for myself but more for my frens' bday gifts. i have a couple frens whose bdays fell during the exam period and one whom i havent seen for months. so i decided to do it in one go! and i picked up the 5 pairs of jeans (no u dint read it wrong) i bought on a crazy stint with my 2nd sis last week whh were sent for alterations. so yes, i am set back qu a bit by the amounts spent. i was almost tempted to step into MJ to grab another cd but decided agst it in view of my depleting account. job needed soon!!!
shoppin by thyself is revitalising. i had alot of time to myself picking and pondering and choosing and deciding. remembering all my friends' likes and dislikes. all the memories shared. a long siggghhhh...
ok bed now. gonna wake early for swim tmr and ktv with zitian! gonna tear the roof down manz! heh
Shu Ling Estrella @ 1:03 AM ~*~ |
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Sunday, May 01, 2005
Of a life loved and lost
She stared into her handheld mirror
and pondered upon the promises of yesterday
She looked into the mirror
exploring the new-made lines
memories of a life gone by
she packed her mirror into her box of memories.
Paused.
pondered.
Picking up the mirror again
she hurled it against the wall
watched her memories shatter into a thousand pieces
she knelt among the broken pieces
attempting to piece her mirror back again
she picked up the first piece
a fragment of her face stares back at her
she picked up another
and another
and another
and watched the pieces form a broken image of a face she cannot recognise
she let the pieces slid through her hands
watched the pieces flirting with her skin in thin red lines
caught the last piece before it fell.
the moan was full and long
before she closed her eyes to the buzzards swimming in her head
she watched the puddle of blood and tears forming at the box labelled 'memories'
staining the remembrances of yesterday
she could not hear the voices above the realm of waters
their slippery hands lost grip of hers
as layers of water washed over her last consciousness
she found herself hugging her box of memories
taking them away with her to the eternity beyond
Shu Ling Estrella @ 8:32 PM ~*~ |
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cabbage rice
had rice cooked with cabbages and mushrooms and mini taiwanese sausages just!
it's mum's new try-out. she learned it from a tv programme. it's a very simple dish where u just dumped all the ingredients into the rice cooker with the rice. it tasted mild and not too salty. loved it!!
with my fave potato and carrot and tomato soup for dinner!!
conversation with mum and sis floating in the background.
as i ate my second helping of cabbage rice, i remembered all the lil simple thgs in life that balanced out the feelings of my previous entry, and suddenly i dun feel tt sick anymore.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 8:12 PM ~*~ |
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sick after exams...
i cant believe it. never been sick after exams before. this got to be the first.
maybe it is the unusually crazy weather this semester. or my bad sleeping and eating habits. anw i'm sick. on the first day of my holidays. bleargh.
i remembered when i put down my pen signalling the end of my 2nd semester, 2nd year. there was no feeling of relief or excitement tho previously was telling alot of friends that i cant wait for it to be over. whh was weird. cos normally i do really feel v relieved. i just felt like i'm suddenly emptied of something, and the intensity and huge emptying out felt so sudden that i was robbed of any feelings of relief or excitement. just suddenly faced with the feeling "yeah, so now what?"
i went hm and spent the entire nite clearing out my side of the room. filing away the notes of this semester, repacking my cabinet shelves to accomodate the new notes, sifting out the course packs and texts i want to sell next semester, putting away notes and letters.. wiping down my desk and organizing my cds. actually there's still a great deal of throwing i havent done. throwing out expired skincare pdts and stuff i haven't use for. decorating my cupboard covers with new pictures.. maybe will do it later. glanced thru some old notes and letters and making a mental note to do some sifting later on in the week. reading some of them reminded me of some old memories and for the first time, there wasn't sadness. maybe i was too drained to feel much at that time. but for once, seeing thru those words, those promises. i was numbified. mere scrawlings on white paper.
i thk the habit of cleaning rite after exams cud be acquired of an old fren. it's her habit too. but as time passes, i find that cleaning after a chapter in your life is theureupatic. the sight of a clean and tidy space empties one of a heavy heart, prepares ya for yet another chapter. and buried in the midst of cleaning, i sink into the realm of memories and reflect on that past chapter. i rem the first time i cleaned, how tears kept falling and falling as i refused to let go of the emotional baggage, as i packed them into box upon box of memories and question my items of memories for answers. following that first time, it became easier and easier to throw away thgs that are no longer of use or sigce to me. the boxes of memories became lesser and lesser. as time passes, the attachment to the pieces of paper, plastic, metal or glass diminishes, and i could unthinkingly just fill up 4, 5 bags of thgs to be thrown or given away.
i closed yet another semester yesterday with a sudden feeling of directionlessness and overwhelming emptiness. staring at the now-spotless warm brown desk with the few selected ornaments and the increasing collection of cds, i picked out keane and allowed their soothing tunes to lull me into an unthinking sleep.
woke up at 11plus am with a sore feel to my throat and a runny nose and discomfort in the chest area. the past weeks of trying to be more healthy by drinking more water had not helped. downed more water and mum's homemade herbal tea. and the throat was protesting more and more towards the end of the day.
bleargh. i do hope it's just temporary reactions to post-exams. bleargh. who falls sick after exams?
i dunno why. for once, i actually still wish i still have a couple more exams to mug for, tho i dint exactly mug v hard this time round. like a feeling of anomie as described in sociology--a state of meaninglessness, and nothingness, like having nth to do with my hands, or mind.
i know i do have a list of post-exam plans. maybe the feeling of settlement has yet to settle. maybe i'm still smelling the exams. after all i do still have frens unfinished with their papers. maybe i just dun wan face the feelings.. tired. tired. tired.
i wish i just have a nice tub filled with soap bubbles and flower petals to soak in now, to close my eyes as music drowns my senses, to feel the bubbles sliding over my skin and the flower petals filling me with their powerfully sweet smells. as i sink into a realm where i dun have to think. dun have to feel. dun have to be aware of . even for just a minute.
i think actually at the end of the day, the answer to it all is: i am not happy.
when was the last time i had laughed wholeheartedly in pure spontaneous happiness? i'm only trying. trying to resurface, and the water pressure is pushing me down each time i try to resist. for a split moment, i just want to surrender and stop fighting with myself. to drop for a pause and admit that i am unhappy. and it isn't even 100% kind of unhappiness. intermingled with some bits of happiness. dun remember how to be truly unhappy or happy anymore.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 6:50 PM ~*~ |
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