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Monday, July 25, 2005
i cant stop my mood swings cant accept me for me forever acting someone else cover-up me to smooth things over and prevent quarrels and unhappiness within myself and realise thats only so much i can hold up cant express my real thoughts dunno how to express my real thoughts dun like me hate me dunno who i am want to trust in God dun want to trust in God no reason to trust in God kicking up a fuss over nothing making a fuss about something being unheard being treated as childish/rubbish dun want u to bother me want u to bother me dunno what they want dunno what i want talked down to throw all their tempers at me be the sandbag to pummel on when u r in a bad mood expect me to always understand cant lose my temper cant lose control no respect at all no self-respect dunno who i am dunno what i want want to be here want to be elsewhere dunno who i am love u hate u totally dislike u unwilling connection to u let myself be pummelled let myself be ignored no significance no importance care dun care care dun care DUN care just want to be alone be alone be alone depend on no one depend on myself hate dependence hate independence hate u hate me dun want my moods to be subject to u cant decide my own stuff u muz interfere cant have what i want what i like hate u hate u hate me more for i let myself be manipulated by u why do i let it happen oh for an existence of individuality and freedom cant be myself cant be me cant be i no i no me no myself no u no them no me no me no me no me
Shu Ling Estrella @ 2:29 AM ~*~ |
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Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Need To Be Next To You
I dedicate this song to all my friends who have that secret person living in their hearts(you aren't alone), whether it is someone you can't forget or someone who is near you, someone out of reach of you, someone you dare not express your feelings to, someone imaginary, someone just living in your heart. i dedicate it to the secret person living in my heart too.
"Need To Be Next To You"
(Theme Song Of "Bounce") I've run from these feelings for so long Telling my heart I didn't mean it Pretending that I was better off alone But I know that it's just a lie So afraid of taking a chance again So afraid of what I'd feel inside But I need to be next to you I need to share every breath with you I need to know I can see you smiling each morning Look into your eyes each night Here with you, Near with you Oh I Right here with you is right where I belong I'd lose my mind if I could see you Without you there is nothing in this life That would make life worth living for I can't bear the thought of you not there I can't fight what I feel anymore 'Cause I need to be next to you I need to share every breath with you I need to know I can see you smiling each morning Look into your eyes each night Here with you, Near with you Oh I I need to have your heart next to mine For all times Hold you for all my life I need to be next to you Need to be need to be next to you Share every breath with you I need to feel you in my arms babe In my arms, babe I need to be next to you
Shu Ling Estrella @ 2:31 AM ~*~ |
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it's been so long since a song sings to my heart. and it's a worship song of sorts, surprisingly. a contemporary worship song by Sixpence None The Richer, one of my more favourite bands. since normally i dun listen to worship songs. maybe it's the tune. or a plea.
"Breathe"
Take my sorrow and my sin
I will run into Your arms again
Hold me Father
Once again my tears are dried
By Your perfect love that's river-wide
Over-flowing
As I stand on its bank
With my arms overhead
I am overcome
As I breathe
The air of Heaven
Drawing in Your fragrance
When I breathe
I feel your fullness come alive
Inside of me
You're the breath that I breathe
Covered by the evening sky
I turn my gaze to where Your kingdom lies
Deep inside me
A silent whisper in my mind
Sweet surrender to Your love divine
Peace enfolding
In the stillness
I empty my soul
And Your healing presence flows
As I breathe
The air of heaven
Drawing in Your fragrance
When I breathe
I feel Your fullness come alive
Inside of me
You're the breath that I breathe
It's taking hold
It's second nature when I
Savor...
When I
Savor...
You
As I breathe...
Shu Ling Estrella @ 2:15 AM ~*~ |
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there are times i wonder whether my life has reached a standstill.. whether my brain/mind has stopped functioning in some manner cos everytime ppl ask what has been happening to me lately, i have nothing to offer.
yet i enjoy this. this is great compared to the emotional rollercoaster i was on in the past. it's so great i'm becoming lazy. slow-witted? so great i even like slacking my days away. watching endless tv, reading children's lit like Roald Dahl and chick lit like fashion mags and Robyn Sisman, participating in senseless arguments with my sister.
and yet i do miss my brain. i'm simply wasting my brain away. it came to a point when i even contemplated for the past 4 stay-home days that hey, life's great like this. life is my home. i dun even spend a single cent cos i'm not out. i dun mind life like this. just stay-home and do nothing. dun wanna even find a job when i graduate in future. just live life like this. what an irresponsible thought eh.
it's true my life has reached a stability. a stability i have always craved for. but yet this stability is wasting me out. or is it always that humans tend to hunger for that complexity in their lives?
urgh. but yet again. the worst part about staying home is the limited space ur mind is given to roam. other than the daily essentialities i have to deal with, my mind is dully revolving all those past memories and all those people again. to the point that i dreamt of them. and wake up either in disgust, or longing, or sadness. but not to the point of crying. maybe my life has become so dull that my eye-factories have forgotten how to produce tears. numbed. even when i miss or hate someone particularly, it's never intense or has staying-power. in a moment, all is forgotten. nothing has staying power with me any longer.
or maybe its the effect of being cooped up for too long. leading to hallucinations. dun even wanna care about what i wear, how many times a day i have bathed, or washed my face, or whether i work out anymore. dun even wanna check my emails. all these is only essential when i need to go out, meet a friend etc. then i have to bother about finding a presentable set of clothes to go out in(since i cant wear that old SCGS tee shirt with the big hole ripped in the shoulder), worry about the powerful damage of the UV rays upon my face, make sure i have cash in my wallet. and then i realise what a bother all these is compared to my laid-back lifestyle at home. and i just wanna stay home.
when have i become such a bum? it's not like i dun have people who care for me and want to go out with me. but.. life has reached such a standstill.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 12:08 AM ~*~ |
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Sunday, July 17, 2005
my b'day pics...
Shu Ling Estrella @ 2:45 AM ~*~ |
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Wednesday, July 13, 2005
DO visit...
Please give support.. go visit this website. all jewelry pieces are made by the talent and creativity of xianyu's sister and you can even request for any special designs.
prices are very reasonable and i even have a pair of earrings i can show u guys which is of her handiwork.
http://spaces.msn.com/members/crystalline-series
Shu Ling Estrella @ 10:36 PM ~*~ |
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Sunday, July 10, 2005
i have to apologise for my slowness in updating. as it is, nowadays, honestly, i'm just too lazy to blog.
first of all, condolences extended to the multiple blasts in London 7/7. the horror notwithstanding, my first concern was with my aunt's safety in London, and her husband as well. Thanks be to God, my aunt was on the earlier train to work, the affected train came only minutes after hers. She returned our email, phoned us to assure us of her safety, and how she could still hear the commotion and she's making arrangments to go home.
The London blasts, horrifying and shocking as it was, somehow hauntingly reminded me of sth. i remember one of my friends mentioning how it is that as Judgement Day draws nearer, the world would experience unexpected and unlikely tragedies, a revelation in the Bible. how true is it? as of now, even the horror and grief is intolerable, immense, as the world experiences a tragedy after another.
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- i like to thank all my good friends who made my 21st bday a memorable one for me, those who joined me in my small cosy party, thanks! this day was made memorable bcos u guys, who have walked through all these years with me, was there with me on that day.
first of all i have to thank my beloved family!!! they made this celebration possible by slogging in front of the stove the whole day and helping to entertain my friends, esp to ying who convinced my mum to have the party for me in the first place!! haha... am so happie.. and she really slogged in front of the stove the entire day and played mahjong with my friends. and to my beloved mummy for rushing about the whole day to make sure there are enough food and stuff, and my sweet lil sis for just being so helpful thru'out the party as well, and keeping an eye on my pesky but absolutely adorable nephews! and my cousins for attending. hugs to them all..:)
xianyu: thank you thank you thank you, my most beloved longest-time friend! 12 years of friendship, thank you for walking through all these years with me.. love you!!
cat: thank you dear.. for making it for the party and bringing me out last tue! haha.. my dearest friend, who has seen through the worst of me and still with me.. hugs.
ida, yh: i'll never regret my years in SC bcos of u two.. thank you for showing me a lasting friendship all these years... muacks!
ruth: thank you dear, for ur everlasting faith and patience with me, and for always listening to my woes... and just being a good buddy.. AJ has brought me a huge gem in you.
von: thank you my friend for joining me on this day. glad we kept in touch this year through swimming! and may our p-sch camarderie continues!
- i would like to thank also my dearest JC friends ruth and jiaying who had already planned an early surprise celebration for me a week b4 my bday shared with jane's belated bday and we all went ktv-ing, joined by leon as well. this little JC gathering brought me lots of smiles and happiness too, as i looked at my JC friends and marvelled at how the changes hadn't changed our friendship. how we met so little and still hung out like long-time buddies, easily sharing in songs, jokes and laughter. thanks to jiaying, who planned the celebration despite her illness, and ruth for being my constant friend and guide and sis-in-Christ. Bless you both, my dearest friends, who stood by me through some of the worst times in my life and never gave up on me.
meeting-ups with friends are still on-going. last week, i met cat, zitian, pat, grace. coming up will be tina and flo dear!!
cat: haha second msg. thank you dear... really. thank you thank you thank you.. for not giving up on me, and continued to hold my hand so firmly all these years. for your understanding, tolerance, patience, wise advice and listening ear, cheers!!love ya.. and i hope on your path of new-found love, you'll be happy and find what you have been looking, waiting for. and thanks for your bag, stars and treat!!!:)
zitian: dunno if you'll read. but thanks dear.. u have been a good friend to me in uni, and showed me that in uni, i can still find good pals. cheers to our final two sems in NUS tger, and to future groaning over soci mods tger, and pigging out!;)
pat: my dear friend, do ya check my blog? haha.. anyway just wanna thank you for spending a lovely afternoon with me, though rather short.. anyway dear, you are looking so pretty and feminine and radiant.. it's so diffnt fr your tomboyish JC years.. i'm glad dear, you have stayed with me all these years too.. been with me through some of the roughest patches, and never gave up on me. cheers to a lasting friendship ya? though our meeting-ups are few, but glad our closeness remains.. look forward to the Night Safari trip!!
grace: my dear friend, i'm glad we took that second chance tger. cun have done it alone. and glad that u are there through my 21st and cheers to growing and devt in our friendship. thank you for co-sharing that perfume(i'm loving it!!) and for shopping with me the entire day. i sure hope we have more days like that to look forward tger!:)
pics and more details pending..;)
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:29 PM ~*~ |
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