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Tuesday, July 25, 2006
There are times i feel i have to stop in my tracks and look at myself and tell myself that, shuling, u r doing a great job so far. don't stop. and continue to believe u are happy being who u r now..
And yet there are times when i feel i'm gonna be almost pulled back into that abyss i let myself fall in last year, cos doubting questions will crowd my mind: Do i really like me? do i really know where i'm going? do i still care much about what others think of me?talk behind my back? Am i being a self-centred piece of shit cos i actually thk ppl bother enough to talk behind my back? am i really as don't-care as the image i'm giving now? do i really mean it when i say i can be nasty to ppl i dun like? or fall back to my usual habit of trying to see the good in everyone? am i still such a follower? do i really mean it when i tell ppl i dun mind that i'm single? can i really see myself as the punkish-haired independent woman in future? the route i'm tracking? most imptly, am i always always always being honest to myself?
There are times when all the questions will just hit me like a wave and i just want to cry by the rubbish chute as i did before. cry with abandon. cry as if the tears won't stop.
Yet, i know, as ppl have told me, i have come a long way from that. I look happier now. in fact, i think i'm happier now actually. it is just those unsettling ques that'll hit every once in a while. So i'll just hold back my emotions and keep psychoing myself: shuling, u can do it. yes u can. no u aren't like before. u r much stronger so show ur strength in dealing with this, that, this...
But of late, it seems like the questions are hitting just that bit more. yet the circumstances ard me are just pretty nice actually. i have met a bunch of super-nice colleagues at work and clicked well with most, my relationship with my family is stable at present, and i'm meeting up with friends for chit-chats and all. so u see, it's actually quite good. so why am i questioning?
Stimes i wonder whether it is cos it is that much easier for humans to fall into that abyss and to sink into a self-piteous state and call out to the world and God: hey, have Yall forgotten me? whether it is just easier to stretch out that hand for help, than to help?
urgh, that sounds like a attention-seeking piece of shit. i shd STOP being self-absorbed. now, if only i can think of sth to do to deviate away from this. I'm spending waaay TOO much time thinking about myself when life cun be better rite now for me.
i'm just looking forward to meeting more friends and sharing in their lives again. and just to see the ppl out there and wonder abt their own lives.
some pictures of recent outings:
ok for some reason, blogger is havin a conn problem(again). so i cant post. i'll try again next time.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 10:31 PM ~*~ |
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Monday, July 03, 2006
a beautiful monday
Just had a great time with grace today... she did a belated birthday celebration for me... despite having tolled for the past week for her pupillage and having to go down for interview today.. very touched dear.. thanks:)
we had a good time..or rather i was the one having a good time shopping around whilst poor grace had to accompany me around in her formal wear and heels. I had to get more office wear(given my pathetic wardrobe filled with casual wear, i'll have nth to wear for the next one and a half months), and she accompanied me patiently around two marks-&-spencer outlets to get them... it is a good time to get great office wear from there.. as their sales cut prices by half or more. On top of that, i even got a new T-shirt bra and a pair of birkenstocks in pretty purple... oh manz.. i hope i can post the pic up soon:):) they are so damn pretty..
haha.. that being done, the sweet girl treated me to a fantabulous chinese dinner at Traders' Hotel's Ah Hoi's Kitchen. We had a delicious meal of kai lan in oyster sauce, honeyed glazed chicken and a huge Indonesian crab in chili sauce with fried mantou!! yumz yumz!! this was topped off with complimentary ice-cream and FanTasTic service by the service staff.. U never had such caring service staff who was always on hand to top off your iced water and enquire after your meal. the other place i received such fantastic service was at Summer House at Pan Pacific(whh mum treated us for my bday celebration). They folded your napkins up each time u leave the table and even provided a clothes rack for my sis' jacket.. ok it is not unreasonable to pay for such great service.. Grace, thanks for the wonderful meal..
Although our company was spent with few words, besides the updating and stuff, but I was really v v touched u went the extra mile despite your busy and bad week to make it special for me.. thank u. I enjoyed every single moment.. and i dunno wad to say oredi... just v touched and blessed and pampered.
thank you dear, i may have my demanding moments, and i'm grateful you dint take it agst me but showed me with your quiet actions that i'm remembered. and treasured. you showed me with actions where words cud not tk place. hugs.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:34 PM ~*~ |
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Got a last-minute call from a job agency last week, of which the following day I had to start work immediately in OCBC handling enquiries and verbal applications for the Titanium promotion. Basically it has just been a crazy few days of 10 hours of work everyday.. and since I have been sleeping most of my summer vacation away, my body is still making the nec'y adjustments to the changes.
I even had to spend my birthday working as I was unable to get off.
I guess my emotions have been shelved yet again.. or rather they have always been this unseen ungraspable whirl of thingies which i am unable to get under my full control yet. My need for attention, for peace in my heart, and a heart that longs to be more grateful, more appreciative, yet demands the tiniest bit of attention from everybody around me like a wailing baby. ouch. i even feel like a baby now typing this out. My need to shine in others' eyes. dwelling over eveything trivial even in front of strangers. I am serious, i cannot seem to get over that. not to bother too much, just to be self-comfy. No, i'm a nitpick. My need for companionship. A pair of warm arms and loving eyes.
No, i'm still a whirl of tangentless emotions. emotions that dun seem to take shape but pass like mists in a mountain, unseeable, untouchable.
Someone once told me that the best indicator of the importance of yourself in another's heart reflects in whether the person remembers your birthday. the day you are born. the day that some are probably thankful for your incoming presence to the world.
I have never really told anyone, or maybe some do know, some don't. But I do have special regard for my birthday. I want it to be brilliant from the minute it starts to the second it ends. This day is very important in my heart to me. I even kept a birhtday folder for all my birthday wishes in my handphone, for receiving of a fresh load of wishes a year. Because I felt it to be my special day, I thought the same for others too. Each good friend's bday is safely stored in my handphone calendar, and the minute the alarm sounded indicating the start of the birthday, I would send out the sms with a wish for the day to be special to the intended receipient.
Maybe I held too much regard for my own special day, or maybe as time goes by, like the old mementoes of a yesteryear kept in the cupboard, my wishes became lesser and lesser.
I am always grateful for every birthday sms I received, although it may seem superficial, because it simply tells me "On your special day, you are remembered". Or maybe at an older age, I should have lesser regard for my birthday and treat it as many others do, a day just as any other. A day which I should not use to measure my importance in another's life with.
Sigh, why do i feel so nitpicky over a like-any-normal day? i am being demanding i know. i am grouching over the eggs in my basket. i am demanding more eggs cos my basket isn't overflowing to the brim. Why? my appreciative being is missing.
I just wanna thank yall who remembered my birthday...:) U have no idea how a simple sms made my day that little brighter:)
p.s. the trip photos would be appending again.. cos i dun really have the time these few weeks to upload it unless i get a full free day.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 3:27 AM ~*~ |
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