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Saturday, March 03, 2007
a lost me...
Lately.. even as the flurry of activities died down to just academic work and frequent meetings with a couple of friends, i had more time to think or rather talk to people (namely, samantha) like yesterday.
There are times i really enjoy hearing feedback from my friends about myself, because they give me insights and at times, how to become a better myself.
But then there are times i realise there are just parts of my character that still remain with me till today, that i can't eradicate. And these are parts of my character (namely, my sudden bursts of temper that just shock or isolate people from me) that i find difficult/not knowing how to improve, and in this sense, do i continue to be myself (keeping this temper as it's my only outlet of venting) or try to eradicate this temper that has already cost me many friendships, especially trust?
I remember one incident when i felt so insecure within myself i asked flo, would u abandon me because one day, out of no reason at all, i blow up at you? and i remember she said no. because she remains one of the few friends who hasn't really seen that side of me yet. and though i take comfort in that statement, i still try my best to hide that side from these friends in fear of the consequences. Considering i dun meet this group of people very often, it is certainly not difficult. It is only people who meet me on a more frequent basis that suffered the brunt of my infamous "temper bursts".
Let me describe to those who hadn't experienced this side of me, although i am probably only able to give a skeleton of it, and not the full prowess of it. My temper comes in short, cold bursts. Because i am generally seen by all my friends as friendly, accomodating and most importantly, good-tempered, they would never expect this side of me to exist. More than that, it is not just merely "i'm getting angry so fuck off". Why do i say they come in bursts? They come fast and furious and one moment i could change from a smiling phase to a 'icy-cold angry' phase back to a grinning phase and then to a 'fiery' phase and back to a sweet-tempered phase and back to a 'frustrated-yelling-at-you' phase. All these can happen in the same short span of time, and because i am so absorbed in how i'm feeling, i basically dint care what the impact is on you.
I have been told that when i have this temper, it is written all over my face, even though it seems like i am trying to hide it. i am clearly just "bu shuang" and wanna "fa xie" but it is boiling inside me, and i attempt to hide it to little success. This happens especially often during periods of high stress--such as exam periods or periods of handling events. This is when family and friends around me both suffer the brunt of it, and more than a few times, more than a few friends have told me that they feel it is the last straw they could tolerate from me, which then leads to a loss of trust from them which then leads to a loss of friendship in some cases.
This phenomenon is described as, i named it, "the-side-of-shuling-no-one-to-this-day-can-handle". Basically, what happens when I am like the above describes is, there will be a tumult of emotions in me churning, a million thoughts building up to negativity in me spinning, to a point that I want to burst but I feel, out of consideration to the others, I feel I should not burst. But it is only recently that i find that all those emotions will still be written all over my face and body language. I AM DAMNED BU SHUANG. My body language and face will say "I'm clearly upset so u guys better do something about it". if you guys just ask me superficial questions such as about the weather or whether i have eaten or the most common "am i ok?" or just ignore me for the most time, the emotions and thoughts will continue to build till my face looks ugly, and i'll be a pin away from bursting but i won't. I am sorry to say in this case, I won't directly come out to you like some people do and say "I am damn angry. don't come and provoke me further. why is everyone arrowing me?" followed by spurts of tears. No i won't do that. I would cry angrily inside, angry over tha fact that everyone is ignoring me out of fear or anger towards me for displaying this side of me or not knowing how to handle this side of me or not bothering enough about me to actually ask further. Let me tell you then, this is the BEST time to show me some TLC. Probe just a bit further beyond the superficial questions and, depending on the degree of supression i am already at in my emotions, I may just spill everything out. All you got to do is just to probe a bit further. But to this day, I think the only person who has really done it with a certain level of finesse and know how to probe in a manner without tearing me apart is catharine. There are some who probe but are already angry or shocked at my temper already anyway. There are some who scolded me for losing my temper at them as they don't feel they deserve it (but this isn't even a matter of whether u deserve it or not. it is a matter of my problem). There are a great majority who just don't bother and let me mull in boiling anger.
Actually i wonder the purpose of my post. Is it just to make myself see things clearer for myself, or is it just cos i want u guys to be mentally prepared? cos u might be the next 'victim' of my vindinctiveness. I dunno. In the past, i try so hard to be a good person and eager to please everyone that I won't even dare admit i have such a side of me. It is only of late that i am starting to think about these sides of my character which i try so hard to hide within my personality. Even though i don;t confess to be all-genuine and real, but at least i am facing up to myself? I don't know. But let me warn yall beforehand, this temper of mine has already lost me my best friend, my close friends, the trust of some close friends, some friends in general, shocked some speechless, earned angry criticisms, or more commonly, many just kept their distance. It is to this date, my greatest weakness and at the same time, my most vulnerable point. You just need to use this in any argument (as my sis has done on many occasions) with me and you would win the argument hands-down. Yet at the same time, it is my only outlet of venting frustrations. Or rather, i haven't found a better solution.
If you think I should change this trait of mine just so i won't suffer so much, then i would say, you haven't been reading my entry closely enough. Is criticisms and scoldings what i need for being this blatantly honest with yall? Truth be told, it hurts when a friend leaves just because s/he cannot handle my temper, or tell me i have lost her trust because of it. And therefore it is very easy for people to say, "U just have to change it then you won't lose them! U deserve all these unhappiness cos you know what is wrong and you just refuse to change! if you loved your friend enough, you would change!" Enough. Let me ask you then. Would you try to change a person you love/have a soft spot for? Especially knowing it is the one weak spot she struggles with/fight with everyday?
And this is why I have come to the conclusion that maybe I hadn't found the person who loves me to that extent. I have alot of people who love me or claim to love me or told me they could depend on me but no one who loved me that much. catharine once very long ago told me that actually what i needed in my life is someone, be it guy/girl, to treat me as their first priority. My JC days remain my happiest days cos of M. then. But then not even she had loved me enough to condone my greatest and most vulnerable weakness. So actually I don't think I have found that someone to love me to that extent. And actually, for once in my life, I think i deserve to have that someone.
I don't know what u guys are going to make of it, and truthfully, i think i should not care anymore, even though in my depths of hearts i might. But then, i have to learn to love myself more and protect myself from those who have hurt me. I hurt people true, but then they hurt me too. Either through unacceptance or rejection of my temper. Slowly and slowly, i think i may wanna morph into my cousin, totally independent of human beings. Many have come and gone in her life, and she had learned over the years to take it in stride. At the moment, whether you guys choose to think yall need to talk to me, or just leave me alone, it's really up to you. Cos, i really have to learn not to give a fucking damn about it.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 10:27 AM ~*~ |
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