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Wednesday, March 14, 2007
a confusing night of epiphany
had a conversation lasting 7 hours yest with S. hmmm... for the first time in my life, someone told me straight to my face the facades i have been hiding behind, how i am an escapist in every way of my life. hmmm. it was cold harsh facts dished out, no bars with-held. it basically negated the past 23 years of my life. hmmm. i am still trying to process my thoughts from the conversation, but ironically enuff, i am thankful to her for telling me stuff about myself so directly. Maybe right now i am still a drifter, having never found my true identity. Still easily impressionable by what others say to me. STILL trying to search for the elusive identity--or is escapism my true self? hmmm.
what i can say of now is, i will still be silly, bad-tempered, defensive, easily hurt and broken, definitely easily impressionable, think i'm very mature when i'm not sure if i am, act strong when i'm weak inside, and vice versa.
hmmm.. basically what i am trying to say is, maybe i really really got to really accept myself for myself. instead of pretending to care when i don't. or don't care when i do. instead of putting on a bravado front when i just wanna let flow.
There are stuff that maybe i feel S shun have said. or times when she said her piece and i felt it was deliberately hurting. or times when i felt she just enjoyed being dominant. times when i felt she would always think she is right, even if some of the stuff she said i felt was wrong. Times when i felt why couldn't i just sink back into my comfort zone. But then what she has said has truly shaken my world, like once in my life. instead of sugar-coated chatising, tenderness-covered criticisms, well-meant as they might be. Maybe i have been sheltered for my entire life, wanting and demanding too much attention, though not always getting, but still, my darlin' friends have given me the TLC i needed at times. In a way, i wondered, is it That-One-Above's gift to me---S acting as my conscience? cos i let my conscience be smothered even by my self-pity and defence mechanisms?
hmmm alot of questions definitely. I really dun want to think i have been living my past 23 years in vain. But S, thanks. u have given me the long-awaitened wake-up call, no bars held.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 12:59 PM ~*~ |
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