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Friday, August 12, 2005
Lesser than Me
There are times i wanna scream, look at me!!i need attention!!! there are times i wish to pass by as unnoticeable as possible.
there are times when i feel lesser than me, when i feel i'm not actually as good or great or impacting as i wish myself to be. there are times when i feel i will not affect people but on the other hand, people very much affect me, in the things they do to me, say to me, think of me. times when i can mull over it for days on end, before realising that i'm wasting my time.
i like to think i have come far. that i'm trying to shake off the shadows of yesterday and walk into the now. there are times when i think i have matured. but in truth i dun think i have. in truth at times like this, i sink back into my self-pitying self that i'm so guilty of and think i am lesser than me.
when people's words, thoughts, impressions of me start to affect me, i know i have sank into this stage again. a time when i think that actually my existence isn't that important at all. a time when i realise if i'm not around, people wun grieve so much, people are not affected so much, they will but not so much ya know? it will be a matter of time before this familiar face is wiped out from their systems.
this is a time when i'm very affected by the words of a 17-year old colleague, when i start opening my eyes to the fakeness of the real world i am living in. when the choice between 2 drastically different modules reflect a me everyone is used to. when a 17-year old's eyes are even sharper than me in this sense. a time when i realise i'm still a puppet. i do what people want me to do, to be, and the only miserable person at the end is myself.
too affected by what people say to me, think of me, and i thought i have improved over the years on this, only to realise i am back on square one.
not easy being me. or rather i dunno how to be me. or rather everyone is so used to the quiet, introverted, safe, old me they are used to the things i think, do, say and express. they know my choices before i do, maybe cos i'm also used to asking for their opinions. even when their choices dun work out the best for me. becos even i'm used to my comfort zone, so used that even when i suggest doing sth out of my ordinary, no one will believe i will follow through, cos i am a very safe girl. whatever extraordinary thoughts i have are only entertained up here(points to head). i never will dare to carry out, and such a cycle repeats itself so often that i let it repeat over n over again that even i am used to such a arrangement.
the me is what i let everyone think of me as and mould me as. i will never dare to step out of my comfort zone. never. cos i never try.
it comes to a point when i realise my experiences come to zilch. when people think of me as a impressionable girl and i never step out of the image. when people are used to me and i never want to change bcos people are used to me and i'm affected by what they think of me. my experiences are nothing to be learned from, nothing to be heard of.
this is the reason why i wun ever earn any respect anywhere. least of all myself. i dun even like the me i'm talking abt now. i can't even think of a single redeeming quality i have. there is a reason why she gains respect from her and i dun despite her displaying the less good-girl qualities, the less sensible qualities. there is a reason why everyone listens to her though they hate her. there is a reason why she looks like a bittergourd and people gte scared or concerned for her and when i look like a bittergourd and people think i am throwing a senseless tantrum. there is a reason why i'm not respected. cos i dun even like me.
yeah. i may be guarded, anti-social resulting in a fierce and unfriendly appearance which i dun like. yeah i may be sweet and compassionate to my good friends. but yet, something's missing. something i have pushed away and evaded ever since i lost it and care to think of it. and i let myself be stepped on. cos everyone believes that's me. in a nutshell. resistance repels people, and i hate repelling people. and resistance is after all, only temporary.
i cannot remember the last time i had feel treasured bcos i'm in someone's life and did sth worthwhile. maybe i have really gone from bad to worse. from shy n inconfident to self-pitying to sth even less than vermin.
why have it come to this? i'm tired of asking if it isn't worthwhile trying to be me, or breaking out of the safe me, or to attempt to be something else totally different. to do what i want would culpitate to selfishness, to step on others would be vicious, to charm others would be manipulative. i know it aint easy being yourself cos there are bound to be people who'll dislike you, and whilst i know it'll be like that, i cant help wanting to be well-liked, and not hated. or i wanna to be proud of me, to let others call me a bitch but i'm a happy bitch. i love being a bitch. that kinda attitude. but oh, the safe old me doesnt want that to happen!
there are times when i have absolute faith in God, and absolute denial of Him. a time when i feel at least only He can love me, and others when i feel i have been God's mistake, that He made me an empty vessel, to be filled as pleased by those around me.
and i so desperately want to be loved. maybe thats whats missing. but havent i been taught oso that whenever u crave or obcure a certain happiness, there's a certain sacrifice involved as well. whether others or you have to pay for it is insignificant, but the sacrifice is still there.
or maybe like cat said, i needed that someone, regardless of gender, to regard me as the most-important one in his/her life. maybe i have missed that feeling(not the person).
or maybe i am more suited to be a hermit, being undependent till the end of my days. so no one can affect me with their opinions of me.
and at the end of the day, i still have to walk out of this myself.
or at the end of the day, i actually realise i am actually nothing special, nothing great, nothing out of the ordinary, just a nobody, acting out or being a
Me.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 11:19 PM ~*~ |
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