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Sunday, May 01, 2005
sick after exams...
i cant believe it. never been sick after exams before. this got to be the first.
maybe it is the unusually crazy weather this semester. or my bad sleeping and eating habits. anw i'm sick. on the first day of my holidays. bleargh.
i remembered when i put down my pen signalling the end of my 2nd semester, 2nd year. there was no feeling of relief or excitement tho previously was telling alot of friends that i cant wait for it to be over. whh was weird. cos normally i do really feel v relieved. i just felt like i'm suddenly emptied of something, and the intensity and huge emptying out felt so sudden that i was robbed of any feelings of relief or excitement. just suddenly faced with the feeling "yeah, so now what?"
i went hm and spent the entire nite clearing out my side of the room. filing away the notes of this semester, repacking my cabinet shelves to accomodate the new notes, sifting out the course packs and texts i want to sell next semester, putting away notes and letters.. wiping down my desk and organizing my cds. actually there's still a great deal of throwing i havent done. throwing out expired skincare pdts and stuff i haven't use for. decorating my cupboard covers with new pictures.. maybe will do it later. glanced thru some old notes and letters and making a mental note to do some sifting later on in the week. reading some of them reminded me of some old memories and for the first time, there wasn't sadness. maybe i was too drained to feel much at that time. but for once, seeing thru those words, those promises. i was numbified. mere scrawlings on white paper.
i thk the habit of cleaning rite after exams cud be acquired of an old fren. it's her habit too. but as time passes, i find that cleaning after a chapter in your life is theureupatic. the sight of a clean and tidy space empties one of a heavy heart, prepares ya for yet another chapter. and buried in the midst of cleaning, i sink into the realm of memories and reflect on that past chapter. i rem the first time i cleaned, how tears kept falling and falling as i refused to let go of the emotional baggage, as i packed them into box upon box of memories and question my items of memories for answers. following that first time, it became easier and easier to throw away thgs that are no longer of use or sigce to me. the boxes of memories became lesser and lesser. as time passes, the attachment to the pieces of paper, plastic, metal or glass diminishes, and i could unthinkingly just fill up 4, 5 bags of thgs to be thrown or given away.
i closed yet another semester yesterday with a sudden feeling of directionlessness and overwhelming emptiness. staring at the now-spotless warm brown desk with the few selected ornaments and the increasing collection of cds, i picked out keane and allowed their soothing tunes to lull me into an unthinking sleep.
woke up at 11plus am with a sore feel to my throat and a runny nose and discomfort in the chest area. the past weeks of trying to be more healthy by drinking more water had not helped. downed more water and mum's homemade herbal tea. and the throat was protesting more and more towards the end of the day.
bleargh. i do hope it's just temporary reactions to post-exams. bleargh. who falls sick after exams?
i dunno why. for once, i actually still wish i still have a couple more exams to mug for, tho i dint exactly mug v hard this time round. like a feeling of anomie as described in sociology--a state of meaninglessness, and nothingness, like having nth to do with my hands, or mind.
i know i do have a list of post-exam plans. maybe the feeling of settlement has yet to settle. maybe i'm still smelling the exams. after all i do still have frens unfinished with their papers. maybe i just dun wan face the feelings.. tired. tired. tired.
i wish i just have a nice tub filled with soap bubbles and flower petals to soak in now, to close my eyes as music drowns my senses, to feel the bubbles sliding over my skin and the flower petals filling me with their powerfully sweet smells. as i sink into a realm where i dun have to think. dun have to feel. dun have to be aware of . even for just a minute.
i think actually at the end of the day, the answer to it all is: i am not happy.
when was the last time i had laughed wholeheartedly in pure spontaneous happiness? i'm only trying. trying to resurface, and the water pressure is pushing me down each time i try to resist. for a split moment, i just want to surrender and stop fighting with myself. to drop for a pause and admit that i am unhappy. and it isn't even 100% kind of unhappiness. intermingled with some bits of happiness. dun remember how to be truly unhappy or happy anymore.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 6:50 PM ~*~ |
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