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Thursday, March 31, 2005
read at own risk. it may sound incoherent, or be related to ppl u r related to. i'm warning yall first.
actually i also dunno where to begin.
i think too much sometimes, but nowadays, i find tt the therapy to my thinking-too-much wud be writing. blogging it. it helps me see thgs in better perspective. writing in my diary when thgs get too sensitive helps too. but i rather like my blog now:)
stimes i wonder wad kind of account of my life am i going to give God when i finally meet him?
when Judgement Day arrives, what is He going to say to me? will He think my life has been satisfactory? worthy? am i going to defend myself? and on wad basis? the prob is, i dun even know who i am.
thats one of the urgent priority stuff i hv to deal with over the summer holidays--finding myself again.. and oh Father, pls help me.
i realise i am still rather raw from my friendship failures. rather those 3, or 2(since i dun see any basis of frenship with simin), that i have allowed myself to get super close to. rather, i am drawn. without realising that our characters wud clash so much to the point of bitterness, to the pt of no return. sigh.
i shall not deny it any longer. any free moment i have, i will inevitably thk abt it. aft all, they hv been so much a part of my lives. maybe i need sth soon to occupy me. but times when i'm not studying and fretting over term papers and tests and hanging out with other ppl, i will think. esp on my long 1-hr and 15-min long journey to school. i wun be doing anythg then except listening to my MP3 and looking at the scenery, and thots wud creep into my mind.
the prob w me is, i only see the probs after i am out of the friendship. how our chars clash, always with a gentle probing from cat, or rather, she just lay the facts down simple and plain for me. everytime a frenship fails, i always wud end up blamin myself. it muz be me. it muz be my fault. or in cat's words, i simply enjoy tormenting myself.
the problem stems from my insecurities. my deep-set insecurities. few frens can survive it. those that i let get really close to my heart cun. maybe the only one who has seen the full-blown rage of it and survived it is cat. we had our major quarrel b4, but it appears she is the only one who cud survive it. the other 2 just turned and left disgusted at some point. the other 3rd one left bcos the other 2 are disgusted.
i find it tiring even now to explain to friends how my insecurities come abt. they knew it exists, but like i said, few can survive it. then i realise actually i shun hv even bothered to explain. they'll just leave when they like regardless of how i feel. regardless the fact that it has been like that all my life, and i need their help and encouragement more than ever if they know it. i need, even if they cun und it, their acceptance of me as a friend still. i pleaded for understanding and help to help me overcome a prob that has existed all thru 20years of my life, but none of the 3 were willing to stay on.
maybe it's realli a prob i hv to overcome myself. i come to realise that there are some thgs in life i just hv to overcome myself. but what really disappointed me was that they just left. just like that. without a consideration. when i needed support the most. when i needed the encouragement. maybe i realli cant find a true friend who is willing to give me the luxury of time to help me and let me see the problem for myself. they were all impatient for it to happen, wanted it to happen. fast.
it's a problem with alot of humans. they want to see thgs happen fast. they are impatient for thgs to happen their way. acceptance and tolerance are very hard traits to master. i dun deny i'm always complaining that God dun answer my prayers fast enough.. till my cousin tells me of ppl who pray for the same thg for 20,30 years without giving up.
maybe the only being who can really tolerate us all, is only God. imagine Him seeing the whole world of ppl behaving in ways that anger, sadden, disappoint Him, and still He doesn't turn away. i'm guilty of only turning back to Him everytime i hv trouble of this sort, and turning back on Him when i'm happy and blissful.
actually was i ever truly happy? i rem once upon a time, when all i wanted to be was to be a simple heartlander girl enjoying simple happiness. somewhere along the way, frens with big aspirations of life, that innate hunger on thriving on life's complexities, that search for constant maturity based on life's everyday drama experiences, that belief that maturity is the way of life, is the top point of their lives, drew me in. i believe wad they believe, aim to attain wad they want. i believe their lives to be better than mine. i totally forgot myself. i try to get as close to their hearts as i can, believing them to be my epiphany to my otherwise boring and "superficial" life. i believe that wad i found in them is wad i want for myself, just that it was hidden in my heart.
but it dint work. i was not like them at all. i was in fact just blindly believing that i wanted wad they want, what they have. and maybe it has been like that all my life. i was never the leader-type, just the follower. i always set out to achieve the goals ppl set for me. set out to get wad ppl want of me. i desperately craved approval. but i never gain approval from myself, only of others. i savoured compliments, but each criticism that came my way had the ability to destroy me like a cancerous virus that creeps it way slowly but sure-fatally into my system. in essence, i hung over my criticisms alot, believing i'm a lousy human bcos of it, and did eveythg i cud to try to rectify it or defend it. i believe myself to be my criticisms, and wadever compliments i received will be forgotten as if they never exist. u can say, i was living a life on more negativity than positivity. whilst my frens built on their self-love theory, i never even had one to begin with bcos i was too concerned with the criticisms that made me feel i wasn't worthy of being a human, not worthy enough of God's love, not even worthy enough to have a place on this earth.
that was right. i never once questioned my worthiness on this earth, only my unworthiness. i collapsed each time my close frens pointed out my major flaws and turn away in disgust. just drop me like a hot potato. i always tot it to be my fault, and sank into self abuse and mental torture. i sank into what they term to be self-pity, and i admit maybe i was. i felt my whole world has crashed down on me cos the close frens i have given such a big part of me to left me. i tot them to be my best friends, gave them a huge part of life and heart, believe in their promises. their promises of "i'll never abandon you no matter what happened", "i wud always be there", You are like a sister, like family, someone i cannot do without", "we wud hv that trip mid-year, i promise".. i believe in all the promises. i had faith. but as words without actions wud be, they are all empty hollow mere utterances of words.
my flaw was i dun have self-love. and my problem was i cannot let go easily. i "na(3) de(3) qi(3), fang(4) bu(2) xia(4)". and to the close friends, my problem became the fatal flaw and the ending to the friendship. in time, my sentimentality and sensitivity became my undoing, became flaws, being caring and giving became annoying traits cos they dun thk i thk for myself, self-pity became superficiality and self-absorption, inability to love myself became the major point of their disgust. worst, my new interests, just pure unadultearted interests in skin care, aerobics were thought to be hankering after superficialities in life. they cun und. even though they can spend time having their little indulgences in shoes, own skin care, clothes, own looks, own sports of jogging and swimming, my interests in the same areas were tot to be hankering after sth superficial in life. they cun und. they cun. they cun.
and their comments bothered me. i tried hard to explain. only to realise they have already formed their own conclusions of me and there is no need of explanations. they weren't willing to stand in my shoes and think. they never did actually. my life and character were what they thot it to be. they cun und my pt of view, neither are they willing to try. i understood where they were coming from, so i never hate. i was disappointed, but i never hate, cos i stood in their shoes and try to picture what they think, but they never did the same thg. never never never. my hate only came when cold, disdained comments dripped out as if she has never known me. when she passed her comments only based on wad she had heard. i had heard comments abt her, but i always reserved my comments. at least more than once did i try to stand in her shoes and think where she's coming from. even when my frens were angry with her then, i still reserved my comments. cos i knew where she's coming from. i have lost touch on her experiences and who she has become, so i reserve my comments on her character, lest i pass wrong judgement. but i shun hv expected the same treatment yeah? she spared no sarcasm and tots on who she thks i have become thru her frens.
and still it hurts. let go let go my frens comforted me, its not worth bumping into these forces of hurt that'll undo u further. i will. i will resurface sometime. please, just give me time. i need alot of time. alot alot of time. please dun be impatient with me. or if you feel u cannot wait, then just tell me if u want to leave. but please tell me straight to my face. dun hv a cold war with me. dun ignore me. break it to my face. i cannot handle sudden disappearances.
actually i realise maybe i am stronger than i tot i am. after all, i survived the failure of those close friendships without technically having someone to fall back on. cat was there to give me a reality check. ida was there to encourage. flor was there to comfort. sylvia was there to listen. my frens gave me wad they felt i needed. but i still picked up the pieces of my broken heart and move on by myself. i have to move on by myself. ask wad i want from life myself. but i moved on myself knowing i have to make the journey myself. when i lost my best friend, i dint have a boyfriend to fall back on. when i lost my next 2 close friends, i had no best friend to go cry about to. when i came face-to-face with my character issues, i faced them on myself. i was alone. but i cna proudly say i took on the independent journey myself. i pick up the broken pieces of my heart and now am trying to piece them back. myself.
i know i'll have the strength to move on. somehow. i know i have this strength in me somehow. i may still hurt now, but i know i'll see the light breaking through the shadows someday. i have learnt so much. learn never to lean on a person completely. learn that even the closest peron to your heart cud still take ur heart one day and smash it to pieces. learn that in times of adversity do u really see who are ur true friends. none of my 3 close friends have passed the test. they turned away in adversity. i was willing to fight. but it takes 2 hands to clap after all.
i dun deny i do still need ppl. need my family. my cousins and nephews. need my friends. need God. i need ppl. but i have to learn to know how to deal with what i want out of people. not what people want out of me. cos thats the surefire way to self-destruction.
if God made this world and there's room for everyone, there's room for liars, cheats, betrayers, backstabbers, thieves, robbers, rapists, terrorists, angels, saints, martyrs, all kinds of human beings, then surely there is a place in it for me. surely in the zillions of acres of sky, i can find that bit of sky that belongs to me. that place that says 'reserved for shuling".
i need ppl. and i need to learn about other people. cos when u think u r suffering, there's always someone who is suffering more than u. life is not made up of just one's personal dramas..thats what i called true self-absorption. i will find myself soon. and i welcome anyone who's willing to make that journey with me. and i wanna know and enrich myself through others' lives too. i wanna give again to people, and have people give me back in forms of making me a better person, to broaden my horizons. i wanna be a heartlander, but i believe a heartlander has her own experiences too. who says u only grow mature through travelling the world or having big aspirations? God made this world for all kinds of people, and surely He loves the little heartlander as much as He loves that big aspirer.
i will find myself. i wun be beaten down again by what others dun understand of me. dunno me. cos now i know, i need to know myself first.
shuling is currently a peanut-butter-and-chocolate-oreo-lover who is seeking simplicity. and who will find it.
i have been tainted by self-absorbed complexities of others, and fail to appreciate the simple thgs God has granted in life. but i believe i can make my way back again.
i will not stoop to your level and drop disdained comments like you have done based on a one-sided story. maybe you have mattered most to me at a point in time. but your words left me looking down on you. and now you don't even deserve the smallest piece of my heart. there are more deserving people of it. i may not carry it out now, i may still hurt from you. but i know i will be strong. at least i have made my journey without total dependence on anyone any longer. i have made it without a boyfriend or a best friend. i have made it through my help.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 6:44 PM ~*~ |
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