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Saturday, March 26, 2005
my days gone by...
the weeks are passing in a whirl. i'm beginning to get the "i havent really made full use of my semester" feeling again.
really just wanna hold on.. since i only have a lil over a year left in school. maybe i'm really scared of the world out there. i dunno wad to expect.
i been questioning alot on my life, wondering wad kind of life i really am looking for... stimes i feel i tend to rely too much or get too easily influenced by wat my frens want tt i start to picture it as my own life, or feel tt my life is just not good enough, not exciting enough, not meaningful enough.
for instance like a job. do i just want to be content with a 9-to-5 job, or a freelance job, or one of irregular hours and v proj-based? and do i want a job tt i hope i can rise to the top of the corporate ladder? pay increase will accelerate? or do i want one tt just pays me enough for my family to live on comfortably? or do i look for a job tt just pays me enough for myself to get by, so tt i can pursue my dream again-to be a professional archer? or do i want to own a lil shop happily selling thgs on this small island being a heartlander always?or be a voluntary worker?
lately i have been thkg abt my dream again, to be a professional archer, or even to be able to set up a archery school myself and bring the sport to others. i guess its one of those times when i start thkg alot to the past, and this happy memory stuck the most. i have nv really told many of you wad happened betwn archery and me. but i guess along the line, i just got v tired of the politics tt spoilt the sport for me. stimes i just wonder, how can a sport get so political? how can people, in wanting to attain power in the archery committees they are representing, or even to win prizes, show the ugly side of human nature in the fight for first place? sometimes it's such competitions where the players come to suffer the brunt of it. to me it is a v simple sport tt makes me happy in my pursuit to scale higher heights in the practice of it. but ppl, ppl in power(supposedly) makes it so, so political.
maybe i shd blame myself for giving up so fast too. but i really hope one day, i'll have the guts to pick it up again. maybe, the thg is, i have never forgotten the high i get when my bow is in my hand.
another aspect of my life i been thkg on is my own self. stimes i wonder if im really closed up. plain introverted or just self-imposed introvertedness. like my life is not busy enough, not exciting enough for a 20-year-old. doing nth except going to school, going hm to family and spending the occasional time with frens. stimes i wonder if i shd just pick up sth, a new sport or activity, be more active with my net grp, or go out to meet frens?
i thk the answer right now for me is no. this is my life. and for now, i love this life. and i guess tho it may sound boring and close-minded, i'm actually happy. no doubt i do get tt yearning or tt feeling of "i'm wasting my life" when i read of my frens making new friends, being v active in hall, or on church or so on and forth. but i guess maybe my busy frens do have their own longings too. so i guess as busy-ness have its price, my 'boringness' has its price too. i tend to think too much in my alone-time. but i'm happy all the same. and rite now, happiness to me is very impt.
it always makes me feel better to write all these out, cos i thk it helps me look at thgs in perspective. talking abt writing, i have a 2500-word soci of race paper due on monday, and i havent written a single word!!! oh groans.. next week is a nutcase. 3 papers sposedly due(but lucky one is pushed back), then one test worth 15% of the module!! i havent done too well on my prev 2 tests, so this is the last time i can perform.
i'm starting to look fwd to the summer holidays again. a summer filled with relaxing, swimming, tanning, cycling, look for a job, reading and self-reflection. a summer hopefully where i can take away some new sort of experience or lessons.
Shu Ling Estrella @ 4:03 PM ~*~ |
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